Leasha...you did the best you could and that's all anyone can ask of you...and all you can ask of yourself :hugs:

As manta mentioned, first births are such a "learning curve". In no way do I mean that to diminish what you've experienced, because so many women experience the same thing. It's very, very hard to get your head around exactly what you're going to need in labour before you've done it. People can tell you but without that experience to draw on it really doesn't make alot of sense.

What's most disappointing is that caregivers are often completely oblivious to what a labouring woman needs as it was in your case. I've had lots of my mums relate their obstetricians responses when they've told them they're having a doula "what a waste of money", "what do you need her for that's what midwives do" "WE'RE here to take care of you emotionally too"...the whole gammut. But with the way birth units are set up they can't. They can't sit with a woman and her partner through every single contraction until her baby is born no matter how much they want to. Birth support is a skill, and most partners don't get the opportunity to learn really useful birth support skills either, especially not if they've only taken hospital classes. So what happens is that the people with the knowledge don't have the time or resources to support you, and the ones with all the time in the world (partners/other support people) don't have the knowledge. So poor mum is left floundering with people all around her and no real support.

Keep talking about your birth leasha it's really important that you work through what you feel.