Just because she's ok when you leave her doesn't mean it isn't separation anxiety - I'd say that's precisely what it is, only manifesting later on in her absolutely jo and relief to see you again and her anger at any suggestion that she should not have you at those times. It sounds hard for you, you're doing a lot working and meeting her needs - her response is natural and understandable, but so is yours. It's really hard to find a good place of give and take.

With boundaries it may be necessary to be absolute. And this (probably) means finding resolve in yourself to accept some distress and crying on her part. You first have to get yourself to a point where you are ready for this.

Try, also, to think of it like any other boundary that you set for her. There are safety things, obviously, where you will brook no debate. She must wear a seatbelt, for example. She might hate it, but it has to happen. Then there are other things on which you won't compromise, for your own reasons. Maybe there's a particular 'thing' that she wants, but which she cannot have because she might break it. If you say no, you remove her, you take it from her, she might be angry, she might be aggrieved, but you stick to it anyway, because it's the boundary that you've decided on.

Sometimes it helps to think of the breastfeeding relationship in these terms, also. She can have milk, but no twiddling (if she twiddles, the milk stops. She'll need reminding for a while). Some kids like an alternative, something else to twiddle, or maybe just being able to touch mum's chest as they feed. She can have x number of feeds and no more. or at x time, but not at y time. you explain it to her, you ready yourself, and then you stick to it (allowing for some flexibility for illness or ****ful days, or whatever).

Be kind and patient with yourself. You're doing a great job of meeting her needs. She obviously sees you as a very important and necessary source of comfort. that's a good sign. It will get easier with time, even if nothing else works. Remember the ABA if you need to talk to someone. You will find the counsellors on the helpline a great source of suggestions and support 1800-686-268. It doesn't matter if you've called them before, you can call again and talk to someone different and get a different perspective.