Is it cold in here? Cause my feet are freezing...

[Lolli]

Hi all,
Two weeks and 6 days til I get married and suddenly I have cold feet.

This is it. This feels permanent in away that one and a half kids and a mortgage does not. The way the man is now is the way he is, nothing will change... but is this enough, for the rest of my life? Do I really trust this guy enough to marry him? It all suddenly feels like a Very Big Deal and that's kind of scary.

And, oddly enough, it really only just sunk in that I'm changing my name. Which I'm happy to do but atm it feels weird- weird to say, weird to write.

Ok, I've got that out now It's not like I'm not going to go through with it, I think I'm just having some last minute mental adjustments to the situation.

This is normal... right?

[Lulu]

Ummmm, I do think its normal. But I also think sometimes we should listen to that liddle voice.

The hard part is working out what is naturally cold feet (prospect of change etc), and what is intuition. Buggered if I know how to work it out - all I have is hindsight

xoxoxo

[Arimeh]

I've been told its normal? However I should have listened to the little voice on the first marriage and not gone there.

2nd one I didn't get any cold feet or anything, but maybe thats cos I knew how easy it was to get divorced? LOL

Plus I didn't change my name the second time round

[kelebek]

I have heard it is but as someone who has never gone through it can't really say much more. and I am sure it will all work out. I can see you standing up in the middle of the ceromony holding onto DS1 proudly showing off bump

[ezymay]

I think its normal Lori. I was pretty numb all my wedding day and ppl kept asking is I was going to do a runner!!!! But we have been married nearly 5 years now.
I haven't changed my name though well sort of. I have changed it with medicare and the health fund but that's all. Its a real issue for DH and I really struggle with it. I am attached to my name and am not keen on dh's ...more that I'm not keen on sharing it with some of his family members.

IMO I think kids are more of a committment than marriage, you are in each others lives forever then!!! Without kids you could leave and never have to see each other again.

Sorry I'm not sure that's very helpful???

But I think your wedding will be AMAZING and just the icing on the cake of your lives with the 2 special little ones you've created!!!

[Marlene]

I've been told its normal? However I should have listened to the little voice on the first marriage and not gone there.

2nd one I didn't get any cold feet or anything, but maybe thats cos I knew how easy it was to get divorced? LOL

HAHAHAHAHA....same here!!

[Astrid]

I accidentally put our invites in the bin I wonder if that was a warning sign about the marriage?

I think to an extent it is normal. Is there anything else you are feeling?

[Nelle]

Can you write down some pros and cons? It might help to get things out on paper? Why are you marrying your DF? Why shouldn't you? Are the cons things you can work through, or are they deal-breakers? Because I think it's better to deal-break before saying 'I do' - but I also reckon most people get cold feet at one stage or another - it's an enormous thing you're doing, to make the covenant to spend your lives together, so I think it's encouraging that the cold feet indicate that you're thinking about all this, you have an idea (well, as much as anyone can) about this great adventure you're getting into.
I know about the 'what if's', and the cold feet - but I know that there's no such thing as 'Mr Right' - just 'Mr Right for Me'.

Wishing you all the best as you work through it all. xo

[Fleur]

I think it's normal, especially if you are focusing on what an enormous commitment it is. I had cold feet at about the same point.
I married DH when I was 19 and I remember asking (older, long married) friends the same thing - how do I really truly know? I got around it by figuring if we had 5 good years it would be worth it. Not to say I wasn't committed but I was trying to be practical. 12 years later i can clearly see myself spending the rest of my life with DH. But I didn't know that then.

I guess what I am trying to say is - yes, marriage is a huge thing, that most of us expect to be forever. But we don't always know at the time. Live the life you are in at the moment - if you love him & trust him now, go for it, enjoy it & be happy. There are never any guarantees, make the most of now.
On the other hand - if that voice gets louder & starts screaming at you - maybe reconsider

BTW, the answer I got when I asked how do I know was - imagine he is in an accident & you have to care for him for the rest of your life. Can you imagine doing it? Can you imagine walking away? Would he do it for you? - (I found that a really daunting thing to be thinking about! but it was an interesting idea)

[aussienic]

I have to say while I didn't feel like that I do believe it is perfectly normal.. It is a huge change. I didn't find marriage has changed us as such but it is so permanent

ps I will have to PM you my number so you can mms me a wedding pic

wow 2 weeks to go.. How exciting

[Lolli]

Thanks girls. Some very useful advice

How do i explain it? I love the man like crazy. He's my best mate and I can't imagine life without him. I know neither of us are going anywhere, we are in it for the long haul. I accept him with all his faults and he accepts me with mine.

But I guess it's those faults that are giving me cold feet... I think i imagined marriage to be perfect and that's what bothering me. He is not perfect. We are not perfect. We fight like cat and dog. And we do have some trust issues there- while I know (I think I know) he would never cheat on me, he has been caught lying about who he's with, where he has been. We're woking on it. I'm taking heart in the fact that this is still relatively new- we've been together less than three years, and neither of us expected things to move this quickly. All relationships are a work in progress and he knows what he's done.

BTW, the answer I got when I asked how do I know was - imagine he is in an accident & you have to care for him for the rest of your life. Can you imagine doing it? Can you imagine walking away? Would he do it for you? - (I found that a really daunting thing to be thinking about! but it was an interesting idea)

Such a good question jasp. And the answer is... yep, we would do that for each other. And we'd find a way to laugh about it too

ETA- hehe Nic PM your number, I'd love to show off a piccie

[Nelle]

I guess a good question then is: Are you people who will work hard on your marriage?
As in, if there's an issue, will he work to make things better or say there's no problem? My dh isn't perfect (sorry sweetheart), but I think what will keep us together is our willingness to work through things, to go through counselling, marriage courses, schedule in dates, etc.

[Lolli]

I guess a good question then is: Are you people who will work hard on your marriage?
As in, if there's an issue, will he work to make things better or say there's no problem? .

Another good question. I think the answer is yes. Dh can be a little slow to realise there is a problem, but once he does he get it, we work through it. We've talked about this one and we know it's not easy- sometimes, you need to work at things, talk through things, and compromise.

Another tick for the pro's list

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I didn't get cold feet. I knew there were problems and there would be problems, but I knew we'd get through them together and be old together and be grumpy together.

Yes, there have been times I have wondered why I did it - but he's my husband and we do work well together - when we have to! We're looking forward to a Liebling-free weekend next month so we can reconnect properly: dates are VERY important and the lack of babysitters has not helped our relationship at all.

Marriage isn't that scary. Mortgage was scarier for us!

[AngelPunks]

I had major cold feet and in hindsight (which as Lulu says is a wonderful thing) I should have listened to the little voice (which wasn't so little - it was screaming at me).

If you have mechanisms in place to work through your problems and realise that you work on a marriage each and every day - then you have the building blocks in place to make this a success.

Good luck with it all babe

[Epacris]

LR - I never got cold feet, so I don't know how you feel, but I did want to say that from what you've said in your last few posts, I reckon you and your DH to be seem to have a real relationship! And real relationships are the best kind!

You love each other
You work on things
You care for each other

It doesn't get any better than that. And can I please see a wedding pic too. I LOVE wedding pics. I'll PM you.

[Vintrar]

You already have kids together!! Marriage is the easy part!

I felt no different the day after I got married and didn't really even feel like it was that big a deal. I adore my DH and I'm very happy we are married but really it doesn't change much.

The prospect of having a child with him is so much more daunting and definitely permanent. You've already done that, so whats the fuss? Since you already have kids together, you're already bound for life regardless, so your marriage is just a beautiful, symbolic act and an excuse for a bloody good party. Enjoy it!

[Fleur]

But I guess it's those faults that are giving me cold feet... I think i imagined marriage to be perfect and that's what bothering me. He is not perfect. We are not perfect.

Lol, LoriRae, I challenge anyone to show me the perfect husband, wife or marriage
For me - and this has only come with time - the faults & imperfections in each of us is what makes this special.
I know that he knows and loves all of my quirks & faults, and viceversa. And we have had sooo many ups & downs over the years, & issues to work through, some of them really major. The fact that we have done this and come out the other side just makes everything seem sweeter now.
I actually feel more comitted now than the day we got married (there might be something wrong with that? I don't know )

But from what you say... I love the man like crazy. He's my best mate and I can't imagine life without him. I know neither of us are going anywhere, we are in it for the long haul. I accept him with all his faults and he accepts me with mine.
....That right there is as close as you are going to get to the recipe for a 'perfect' marriage...to love each others faults & to laugh together, to be in it for the long haul..you can't ask more than that