ok, so here's the deal. My parents dont approve of my boyfriend. Weve been together a year and a half and I KNOW he's the one for me. Theres a certain somebody in my distant family who used to be mine and my boyfriends boss. A disagreement occured and because my boyfriend quit, this family member wanted to get even. Rumors were spread, resulting in my family disliking my boyfriend. Anyways, I am a student in college and we really want to get married, but since I am still financially dependent on my parents(insurance, school, etc) I'm afraid that if we elope, when they file their taxes they will find out. Because I DEFINATELY don't want them to find out for a coule of years (like one or two). THey'll be ****ed either way, my dad has even said that there's a possibility he'll cut me out of the family if I stay with him (make the big committment). So either way I go they wont like it, so I'd rather not walk down an isle that I have to drag my dad down. Is it possible they will find out this way?
If you are still financially dependent on your parents, why would you want to deceive them like that? Once you are married you should be independent - so I suppose you should either bite the bullet and wait until you have finished school, or get married and say goodbye to the financial support of your parents.
If he is the one for you, he will still be the one for you in a few years with or without a marriage certificate. Don't rush, enjoy your time together. You might find that your parents do like him when they get to know him and then your wedding can be a fun day for all. You don't want to get married and then have to hide it from people. What's the point in that?
I agree with the above posts, dont do it now. It will only cause more trouble within your family. Give it a few years and hopefully over that time, your parents will learn to like your partner. Besides whats the point in getting married, if you are still financially dependent on your parents, you wont be able to live with your new hubby. Give it time and it will all fall into place, you wont regret it.
Thanks for your advice! I wrote that post in desperation! It was more venting than me actually thinking through making that big of a decision! It just kinda felt like my life was falling apart...losing my family. I've thought about it alot and actually some new problems have arose...they just never stop. In order for my fiance ( and yes we are engaged now...the fam still doesnt know ) to get the experience he needs for his career, he is joining the army. So now there will definately be no rushing into a marriage without my parents knowing...I'll just tell them when the time is right (about a year until I graduate) and that way if they want to help me plan a wedding then I would love to have them there! If not, then sadly I'll prepare to plan a very small but beautiful wedding myself and be with my future husband. I can't wait. Any suggestions for easing the engagement on my parents?
Umm, I'd say to live your life well, do your best to graduate with the BEST marks in the world, work hard so your parents can see you are growing up and can make good decisions for yourself.
If you are still together after you graduate, and everyone can see your DF has been working hard towards his career and you are happy together......well as a parent I couldn't argue with that. Hopefully they won't still be sucked in by the family member that caused trouble, and they will see thats in the past/or untrue, and you can start reading bridal magazines with your mum...
have you thought about asking your family what it is that they dont like about your bf? It might help if you sit down with them and tell that you love them lots and also love your bf alot and you would like to know why they dont approve of him as he has done no wrong by you (if this is the case). When you talk to your family, try not to get defensive, stay calm and listen to what they say, keep breathing (and dont get emotional eg. cry or get angry as it wont help).
You might be able to clear some things up in their minds and if it doenst work then your in no worser situation than what you were in before.
Well, I guess you could say my family is very different...some of the above posts say I should be financially dependent from my parents and that will show that I'm responsible enough to get married...it doesn't just work like that. My parents are pretty smothering ans strict. They love me so much, as I love them dearly too, but they have worked so hard to give all three of their children equal opportunities in life. I respect and appreciate them for that, however they are not exactly letting me become independent. They have always paid for everthing for me and always told me to not worry about it I'm in school and shouldn't stress out. Well, I look at it this way. I'm in college. I'm an adult. I want to be independent and be able to stand on my own two feet before I get married and depend on my husband. I want to learn how to pay bills and have my own insurance and loans. And believe me, I have tried discussing this with them and have stated my reasons calmly in the hopes that they would let me take on more of my own resposibilites. If I were to just do it anyways, it would be a slap in the face to my dad. He has in his mind what he wants me to do with my life, who he wants me to marry, when he wants me to get married, who I'm friends with, I mean I chose my college based on the choices HE gave me! And I understand he wants the best for me but if there's ever a time that I don't do exactly what he wants me to do he gets so hurt, sometimes angry, and always dissapointed. Here lately, its been anger about every decision I've made pretty much. I've taken out my own credit cards and I schedule all my own medical appts and take care of all my school information, but my parents refuse to let me pay for anything! I don't feel like anything I have is really mine or atleast my choice. so I know Lulu2 thinks I'm decieving my parents, but that's kinda the only way I am able to make decisions without my dad getting so mad that he will cut me off...and I don't mean financially I mean out of their lives. It's kinda hard not to get emotional when I talk to them about it because I either lose the man I love, the one I feel is the only one for me, or four people who I love more then life itself. They are giving me an ultimatum, and I am trying to hold out as long as I can, not discuss it for fear I'll be put on the spot and make the wrong choice. So with these posts, I've been trying to see what I want to do. At first, I thought well maybe I can just get married but keep it to myself just long enough to figure out how to tell them so they dont try to talk me out of it and make me miserable....but then I realize before I even logged back on that it was definately a dumb Idea and would hurt them more than I already have in their eyes. So then I thought, well an engagement would be the best way to go and then things will hopefully calm down in my DF's absense and then I can gradually hit them with the news! So now that I've had plenty of time to think about it and talk t over with my DF, we have decided that's what we were going to do. Thanks for all the advice! I'm really trying to financially seperate from them. I finally got my own phone plan and cradit cards and stuff...but they still treat me like I'm in middle school. I am a mature adult and am dealing with all of it the best way I can. I don't want to hurt anyone, and in my family thats something that is extremely hard to do. But again, thanks you guys! You've given great suggestions, most I've tried! I guess I'll just have to try harder! if thats possible!!!
It sounds like you're in a bit of a bind! And it does sound like you're trying your best to respect your family as well as trying to win a little independence for yourself.
I wonder if there's anyone outside your immediate family whose opinion your dad respects who can talk to him for you and explain that what you're asking (in regard to wanting to pay your own bills and be more financially independent) is perfectly reasonable?
If not, I wonder if you could negotiate a particular age at which he would be more comfortable to let you do your own thing.
That's not to say that I don't think you're mature enough - from the sounds of it, you're very mature, I'm just trying to think of ways that would give you what you want and keep the peace.
In terms of marrying your BF, I think as others have said, take it slow and give him every opportunity to win over your family. Not so long ago, it was common for people to marry young so that they could 'get away from' their own family and a lot of unhappy marriages ensued. So it really is worth biding your time and trying to chip away at gaining some independence for YOU first.
It's more my viewpoint that time is a factor here. It does sound like your parents are having a bit of trouble letting go, maybe dads a little controlling though! One one hand you are in a great position that your parents support you through your degree but it can't be too great having so many conditions placed upon it.
So if you do your best gaining the education they are paying for (and seem proud to do so), there will be a time you can say "mum, dad thanks for everything but its time for me to fly the nest, and go off on my own" they simply can't argue (if they are reasonable people). Hey, its not like you are sticking tassles on your boobies and heading off to Vegas with your 45 year old boyfriend lol!
You are doing all the right things, and it can be hard to please everyone all day long, just remain true to yourself, and make a great life for yourself - at the end of the day your parents will want you to be happy....not hanging off a pole in Vegas....hehehe.
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HELP! Should I elope?!?
) to get the experience he needs for his career, he is joining the army. So now there will definately be no rushing into a marriage without my parents knowing...I'll just tell them when the time is right (about a year until I graduate) and that way if they want to help me plan a wedding then I would love to have them there! If not, then sadly I'll prepare to plan a very small but beautiful wedding myself and be with my future husband. I can't wait. Any suggestions for easing the engagement on my parents?
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