Backing up what Bath recapped from the book (I have GOT to borrow this book from my ABA group library!), the chemistry is the hormones Cortisol and Adrenaline. Unfortunately, boys tend to produce more of this than girls do when stressed. Just like in birth, or any other potentially stressful sicho, production of endorphins just cannot happen at the same time as adrenaline, so the kid's gotta calm down first.
I haven't read the book , but it makes sense what Bath says. Maybe because I HAVE studied a bit of the hormonal and developmental processes I may be using it subconsciously in my responses to Oscar. I also take a brief moment to get 'in synch' with my inner knowledge (which you may even describe as 'the vibe', and I believe that I'm hardwired to know what to do, so I allow my brain to access those hidden recesses!), which calms me down and enables me to deal with Oscar sensitively to his needs at the time (I kind of feel 'zen' and centred, how corny does that sound?). Sorry if that sounds airy fairy, I'm no parenting author! Essentially, our kids are very much at a stage where they are copying us, or 'modelling', so when their little bodies send them off on a tantrum, we can help them modify their behaviour by showing them how we expect them to act.
Oscar has tanties and I don't see them as being manipulative, I see a kid who is frustrated and can't speak his mind, and even if he could, he's just in such a state that it wouldn't make sense anyway! He usually has tanties when he's tired. If his tanty isn't over within a minute (tired for bed or not), I hold him and reassure him so that he doesn't get worked up and then follow that momentum. I also employ a great diversionary tactic that never fails, in the event that soothing him isn't working...his Tupperware Shape-O! Works every time. I don't ever want him to think that I don't care about what he's going through, not at this age anyway.
Going to bed hasn't been an issue for some time now. Probably because for so long, he went to bed when I did. As his bedtime gets earlier and earlier, he is ok with being put to bed when he's tired. He realises he's going to bed and has a plaintive cry (becoming less frequent) for about 30 seconds when it's DP putting him to bed, and he's off in la-la land in no time. As I began to compose this response, DP was putting him to bed and he was out like a light, and DP lies in bed with him till he's off. When it's DP, he usually needs a dummy. When it's just me, if he's REALLY tired, lying down next to him will work. Otherwise, if he's not completely over it but needs to sleep and it's just me, I get out my trusty Ergo, pop a 'baboo' in his mouth and that usually finishes him off!
BTW, he has only since yesterday started to articulate "baboo" in relation to my boobies, it's very cute. He has been feeding like a demon lately - probably since he got sick. I don't mind, it's really helping my boobs shrink, oddly enough. He just finds and feeds at night, too, just like I dreamed of 12 months ago! I'm just as besotted by him as I was then - when do I get over this stage?? I feel like a love-fool!
Nic - that is NOT good doula behaviour! Ask Kelly! My goodness, the point of a doula is continuity of care in a system that throws us from one professional to the next. I would be looking at some sort of complaint if talking to her didn't resolve it in the first instance. You may even decide to go for broke and ask her for a partial or full refund. You can't be expected to just hand over money for nothing in return. Please dont' beat up on yourself for hiring a doula - this one just let you down, and I've never heard of this happening, though I'm sure it does. I would definitely bite the bullet and ask her what happened to her services that you paid for. Probably best that you haven't spoken to her yet, you want to be calm and collected as possible, even though you will be emotional - that's ok WRT an LC - they are good value for money. They have an internationally recognised accreditation for which they sit an exam, and it's not easy. If you hire one and she's not good, you can complain to the IBCLC (certified LC's). Plus, it's about $100 for an LC, not $700. For ABA, you can go along to meetings and not be a subscriber, and if you like it enough to keep going, then you can decide if you want to be financial (getting the quarterly magazine alone makes it worthwhile!). Getting that initial contact is the most important thing, though, so don't think about money at this stage, just get in touch with someone trained to talk about breastfeeding difficulties and feelings, ok? It's free of charge and they are very willing volunteers. The subscription fee that I pay and that others pay helps to fund the volunteer training (they do a counselling course specific to breastfeeding and it is a Registered Training Organisation, so again, if someone does the wrong thing by you, you can complain), so it's not like you have to pay upfront for the expertise. Please don't let money be the object in the way of your goals - there are already enough obstacles you have to deal with that money can't pay off, if that makes sense. I KNOW how hard it must be to count up the profits from 2 to 3 parties and feel like you've thrown it to the wind - it's not easy and it's possible that you can overcome this fear to get the right conversation happening with the right people.
Sorry all, this is a long email. I've gone and picked up my Thai take-away and eaten it in the process of writing it! It's DP's birthday today and we went out for lunch to a pub tavern, cleaned out the campervan and got the hungries again (we've wagged fire brigade!). A good, lazy day was had.
Hi to everyone else!