This is quite long, I don?t know how to tell this without starting from the beginning, My life has just been turned upside down & maybe sharing this, knowing someone might read this & maybe someone might say something to stop the turmoil in my head.
Looking at my calendar? counting days 1, 2 ,3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 9, 10, all the way to 34?.my heart racing? ?How many days in a cycle? I knew the answer but a question I had to ask, I?m up to 34?. A flutter of hope a smile not possibly hidden?. 1 week late?. 1 whole week late!
I cannot begin to describe the complete joy of seeing those 2 lines? I screamed I jumped around I have never felt happier?. It?s happening!
My besties could only giggle at me having to keep re-testing for 3 days?. They know me too well, something I wanted so much was happening, something amazing and magical.. I just had to keep confirming to myself, it?s real! I am pregnant with my first baby, I am going to be a Mom. We are starting a family.
The instant love I felt for my ?little? was overpowering?. Pure Magic!
My first visit to a GP, I was so nervous, I wanted to know absolutely everything, Going by my last period I should have been approximately 5 weeks, and we booked my dating scan for the 9th July? I would then be approx 8 weeks.
My scan showed only very early pregnancy.. only 6 weeks J?.. So an Internal Ultra sound was done relieving my worries, a strong heart beat, my ?little? was there, and beating? It real! It?s happening!
Weeks went by, my boobs began to get very sore?.. I read so many books, I followed all the ?rules?.. People would laugh at me for being so strict.. I just wanted to do what was ?right? to ensure my ?little? got the very best start. I am a very fit and healthy 26 year old?.
Around 3 weeks after my scan, still no morning sickness, and my boobs stopped hurting. I don?t ?feel? pregnant I want to ?feel? pregnant?. Everyone told me it was normal, everyone told me, your lucky, this pregnancy will be a breeze for you?
Tuesday 4th August I wake up and head for a shower?.. it felt like I had wet myself, I undress and my world begins to fall apart, blood down the insides of my thighs, I panicked I screamed Nooooo, Noooooooo?. This is not happening!
My mom took me straight to the ED, after many questions, have you got pain, how much blood, what colour was it?.. I had no pain, nothing at all, I panicked I didnt look at the colour, to me it seemed like a lot, what else just tell me everything is ok.
I was sent to the toilet to check the blood, I?ve stopped bleeding. The nurse assures me this is a good sign, you have no pain, and no more blood, it?s a good sign. A doctor arrives, questions, questions, questions, over and over the same ones, I don?t know!! Just send me for a scan, I need to know. They didn?t, they sent me home because I was not in any pain.
I went straight to my GP, who ordered me an Urgent scan. He was too quiet. ?Im sorry? those words stabbed straight through my heart. For once in my life I can honestly say I was truly happy, and it had all been ripped away from me with those two words. My baby had no blood flow or heart beat and had not grown past 8 weeks.
He returned to tell me my GP sends his apologies but cannot see me until the next morning. The sonographer tells me to go straight to ED if I lose too much blood throughout the night or feel dizzy or sick?. Cheers mate, got a measuring cup.
I had no idea what I was about to go through.
2am I start cramping, it increases in strength, duration and frequency to the point I cannot walk, I cannot stand, or sit I am screaming and crying in pain. I thought I was dying. I can honestly say I have never felt pain like that in my life. Around 7am my Best Friend who had stayed over hears me & finds me buckled on the kitchen floor, I think it?s time for the hospital I think something is seriously wrong, I try the toilet, so much blood, massive clots, the pain is unbearable.
Into the shower?.curled up on the floor, I need to go now I cannot take the pain anymore I don?t understand what is happening. It felt like I needed to poo, I try the toilet again and it all comes out, the sac with my poor angel, I need to throw up.
The pain lessons within about 15 minutes and I know thats it, I feel so empty. I was having labour contractions for 5 hours. No-one told me I was going to have to go through labour pains. Why wouldn?t anybody prepare me for that?
My GP sent me to a specialist, and he was fantastic, he explained so much to me, he was sympathetic and caring, finally someone making the realisation sink in but giving me information I needed. No scientific answers as to why my baby didn?t make it though, my partner will ask me why?. Lifes just cruel & unfair?
The internal scan showed I had a ?Complete Miscarriage? my cervix had closed and I had passed everything. He also confirmed what I went through was just like labour and the sonographer is not allowed to give you that information as they are not Qualified. I am so angry with this. Someone should have warned me or made sure a Doctor or Specialist spoke with me.
I am a mixture of emotions, my heart feels so heavy, my body very very empty. I wanted to be a mother with all of my heart, it has been taken away from me and I cannot stop wondering but why me? In my own complicated mind, my life has been a struggle emotionally & mentally, nothing seems to ?work?. When I knew I was pregnant, everything was better, nothing else in the world mattered except my ?little?, I felt complete. Now I am another statistic? I am the 1 in 4?. I told myself, you only ?think? these things happen to you, this pregnancy is magical and you will have a strong & healthy baby, You will. But It?s gone?
I have so many fears. What If my partner doesn?t want to try again? He has not spoken to me about our baby since I started bleeding; he hasnt held me, he hasn?t shared how he feels? If he feels anything? Maybe he blames me? Maybe I blame me?
I don?t know how to deal with this? I have lost my first baby? I want to scream, I just don?t understand why this happened.
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and best wishes your way...look after yourself.
Just a quick thought about your partner - perhaps he is just taking some time to process what has happened? Men+ often grieve differently to women so while he may seem withdrawn and a bit distant, maybe he is just coming to terms with what has happened in his own way?
Your story made me cry. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, nobody should have to go through that much hurt and pain and you should never blame yourself! sometimes they can't explain what happened and it will just hurt you more if you blame yourself. And i agree with SS_Storm in that your partner is dealing with it the way all men deal with things, he probably feels that he needs to be strong for you and he just doesnt know how to handle it all.
Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts... I am a waterfall of emotions and go from being ok and think, yep I can do this. To breaking down and not knowing how I can get through the pain.
My partner has still not given me any reaction... after tue he did not even come home until I begged him on Friday.. he did for a couple of hours but if I tried to talk about it would tell me to stop winging at him or he would go back out... which he did a few hours later, I asked him, dont you know what I am feeling.. he said "dont you f'n know I have feelings too" I guess this is just his way of dealing with it... pretending nothing has happend?
My best friends have been amazing... and so has the vodka lol... I just wish my love would give me something... I hope he will soon.
I think perhaps it may be hard for him as he was so excited and told so many people about our baby.. where as I only told my best frineds and family.. Perhaps me being over cautious, over stressed that somehting would go wrong.. caused this to happen? I just wish I could go back I wish with all of my heart my little was still growing inside me. I feel like I am dying inside.
Hi,
I'm Briana.
I understand what you're going through so much.
Except my miscarriage was a more a still born then anything.
I was about 13 weeks when the ultra sound technician person told me my baby had no heartbeat or blood flow.
That day was so horrible and it haunts me in my dreams every night.
The dad never wanted her either which broke my heart.
I was shocked at first when I saw those double lines on the pregnancy test but then I realised I wanted to be a mother. But that day, when I went to have my ultra sound I saw her and started crying but then got told that dreadful news; i was so angry.
I wanted to hurt someone.
To this day my heart still hurts so bad.
And its even harder seeing the father at school.
I'm only 16 you see and so I'm pretty much forced to see her father at school and I know she would have looked like him.
I am trying very hard not to allow myself to blame either myself or my love for losing our baby. I dread the day I lose it and scream at him and voice all the things that go through my mind.. would not be fair at all and it would kill him, though really he has most likely thought it all too at some point. I guess it is hard not to blame yourself even though I suppose in the back of your mind you know it's not your fault. Maybe..
I had made the decision to speak with a support group or a councelor but to be honest I think the support I am getting just from reading your replies and other Angel Baby Mummies stories is about as good as it gets. I cannot thank you all enough for your kind words & support, just knowing people are reading about my baby and aknowledging what I went through helps.
I suppose at some point the sun is supposed to start shining again? I really hope it is soon, I am so tired emotionally, my body is exhausted from going from one extreme to the other.
My partner has at least been home all week and just having him to snuggle up to is almost enough, at least he is home right.
Yeah I get what you mean.
I still blame myself everyday or every time I think about my baby girl.
I miss her everyday and not a day goes by where I don't think of her and the 'what ifs'.
Deep down inside everyone knows that its not really their fault, merely fate or their body just isn't ready. But it still hurts and it does get frustrating.
Hell, I'm going through my second miscarriage at the moment and I just can't stop crying.
My 2nd miscarriage in 5 months. It really is heartbraking even though my partner doesn't even want a baby at the moment.
Its good you have your partner to snuggle up to.
I just get mine to put his arms around me tight and he just lets me cry if I need to. He encourages me to cause he knows it will help. And I'm a stubborn girl who always refuses to cry.
I'm here if you need to talk to me or if you want to talk privately I'll be more then happy to give you my personal email.
I am sorry to hear about your loss and I hope that it will get easier for you.
I myself have unfortunately suffered miscarriages and the pain is indescribable and is not forgotten.
I cross my fingers and toes in the hope that it gets easier for you.
10 weeks & 2 days - happiness smashed
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