another EDD coming up

[briggsy's girl]

i haven't really posted in the miscarriage and loss threads much - i've replied to others, but haven't ventured over here with my own story. i guess i've let the TTC side of my journey take the front seat, but lately it's been getting harder and harder to do that. the anniversaries of important dates are at the front of my mind, and really getting me down lately, so i thought i'd venture over here for a little support and understanding

we've been TTC for three years, and have three little angels. next week is the EDD of our third, an IUI miracle that just couldn't stay with us. making it harder is the fact that it's my dad's birthday - and my family seem to have forgotten. it was all important when we were pg, even though it only last a few days - but now, no one cares. no one understands why i don't want to join in the excitement of my dad's birthday (we're not close, so i wouldn't anyway, but HELLO!!!). i'm so sad and feeling just completely lost. it seems that all our important dates relating to our poor lost angels is a date that i can't forget for other reasons. they're important to others so it's in my face and i can't just hide!

our first BFP was the day before anzac day - we lost our angel on my nana's birthday. would have been due on new years eve. our second angel was lost the day of my kitchen tea. our third was conceived via iui on my great nan's birthday, bfp on my niece's birthday, and would have been due on my dad's birthday next week...

i'm about to embark on another FET cycle and i'm so wanting it to work, but also so scared of it going wrong (or going right and then losing another angel). we face FET being on my nan's birthday, the third anniversary of losing our first angel. i don't know if that's a good sign, or whether i'm tempting fate. our last two transfers have been on significant dates (my pop's birthday and my aunt's birthday) - and no good result.

i guess i'm just feeling lost. i'm scared and i'm just trying so hard to find a place where i can go into this FET with positivity, but how can i do that when i have been there so many times before in one way or another - and i still have empty arms and a broken heart?

[Willow]

BG, just want to give you a huge babe....

Anniversaries suck, there's no two ways about it. It's also hard to understand why a day that is soooo important to us is just forgotten by those close to us. I guess it's really hard for them to understand...

Funnily enough, my mum and a close friend of mine always remember the date we lost our angel...it was St Patrick's day apparently. I had no idea until this year when I asked my mum how she always remembered it. I'm not sure why, but this anniversary isn't the hard one for me, it's my EDD that kills me every year, but for them, it makes sense that I'd be at my saddest on the day we lost our baby. Obviously it was probably the worst day of my life, but to me the day she would have been born into our lives is much harder to cope with.

I hope this cycle finally brings you what you so desperately deserve.

Hang in there babe...

[Lynn]

Big big hugs to you babe

Anniversaries are so hard and there is no easy way to approach them or get through them. For most people it is the lead up that is the worst as you think of all the hopes and dreams and the what ifs. It is so hard when you have significant dates and you feel that they play a role - Cooper's weeks turned over on a Tuesday and he was born on a Tuesday. I was shocked to discover when pg with Ethan that he too clocked over another week on a Tuesday. I was adamant that I didn't want him born on a Tuesday. I hope this time your nan's birthday brings you good luck.

Nothing in this journey is easy but we are all here for you and I just hope that this cycle brings you the miracle that you so truly deserve.

Stay strong babe :hugs:

[briggsy's girl]

thanks so much for your responses ladies. I think DH has realised how much this is getting me down at the moment. he's coming home tonight for the night to be with me, and is coming home on tuesday so that he's here for me for the EDD on wednesday. at least i'll have his snuggly shoulders to cry on...

[butterfly_warrior]

I have to agree with Lynn - the lead up is worse than the actual day.

I don't know that there's any easy way to get through those dates and times. Other than taking a big deep breath and just pressing on with life.

What ever happens, BG, know that there are many of us here thinking of you and willing to lend you some strength to get you through this.

I'm glad DH will be around a bit more to help you.

BW

[mrsmac]

I think the other ladies have expressed things better than I could, all these anniversaries are hard, but remember we are all with you in spirit and thinking of you.

[Lynn]

BG thinking of you this week

[briggsy's girl]

today has ended a lot earlier than i expected - was feeling so low at work i ended up leaving at lunch time. my boss looked at me like a had lost my mind when i said to him i just wasn't coping, but every second call i could hear babies crying in the background, and when i explained why, he shuffled me out the door. was leaving and rang to see when DH would be home - and he was about 5 minutes away from work, so stopped in just to give me a hug before we drove home. have just arrived home and am feeling very odd. feel like i need to cry, but just can't. it's all feeling like it's stucked and i just feel sick!

[butterfly_warrior]

BG, sounds like my state of mind from last night was contagious.

Know that I'm thinking of you, and I meant what I said earlier, I have plenty of strength today so I'm express posting a bucket load of it down to you. Of course, I'll probably need it back to get myself through Friday, but we'll worry about that when we get there.

There's also plenty of and in the package for you. Hang in there!

BW

[Lynn]

BG - it is ok not to cry. It may come and it may not. It doesn't mean that you don't care about your angel. It just means that you have so much emotion that you don't know what to feel. Just let yourself be

[paradise lost]

Oh Hun

I don't know how i've managed to miss this until now

I know that feeling of not being able to cry, like the sadness is pressing down on you so hard it's just numbing and huge.

Just hold onto the fact that however you feel or think or act this day is right. Be gentle with yourself and let the emotions play out as they will, there is no "correct" way of doing this. The loss is too huge to take on when it happens, every day after, ESPECIALLY the special days, anniversaries, would-be-birthdays, days of loss, there is more pain to digest. When you lose a baby you go on losing every day they are not with you.

I always tell myself, when i'm having a cry over my lost littlies, that the sadness and whatever i do about it (your plans sound very positive) is my only way of being able to be close with those babies. So i embrace it. Ok, other people might think it's daft to still cry over a baby lost 6 years ago, but that baby WAS and in my heart will ALWAYS be.

Huge hugs hun. I wish i were there.

Love

Bx