another EDD coming up

[briggsy's girl]

i haven't really posted in the miscarriage and loss threads much - i've replied to others, but haven't ventured over here with my own story. i guess i've let the TTC side of my journey take the front seat, but lately it's been getting harder and harder to do that. the anniversaries of important dates are at the front of my mind, and really getting me down lately, so i thought i'd venture over here for a little support and understanding

we've been TTC for three years, and have three little angels. next week is the EDD of our third, an IUI miracle that just couldn't stay with us. making it harder is the fact that it's my dad's birthday - and my family seem to have forgotten. it was all important when we were pg, even though it only last a few days - but now, no one cares. no one understands why i don't want to join in the excitement of my dad's birthday (we're not close, so i wouldn't anyway, but HELLO!!!). i'm so sad and feeling just completely lost. it seems that all our important dates relating to our poor lost angels is a date that i can't forget for other reasons. they're important to others so it's in my face and i can't just hide!

our first BFP was the day before anzac day - we lost our angel on my nana's birthday. would have been due on new years eve. our second angel was lost the day of my kitchen tea. our third was conceived via iui on my great nan's birthday, bfp on my niece's birthday, and would have been due on my dad's birthday next week...

i'm about to embark on another FET cycle and i'm so wanting it to work, but also so scared of it going wrong (or going right and then losing another angel). we face FET being on my nan's birthday, the third anniversary of losing our first angel. i don't know if that's a good sign, or whether i'm tempting fate. our last two transfers have been on significant dates (my pop's birthday and my aunt's birthday) - and no good result.

i guess i'm just feeling lost. i'm scared and i'm just trying so hard to find a place where i can go into this FET with positivity, but how can i do that when i have been there so many times before in one way or another - and i still have empty arms and a broken heart?

[Willow]

BG, just want to give you a huge babe....

Anniversaries suck, there's no two ways about it. It's also hard to understand why a day that is soooo important to us is just forgotten by those close to us. I guess it's really hard for them to understand...

Funnily enough, my mum and a close friend of mine always remember the date we lost our angel...it was St Patrick's day apparently. I had no idea until this year when I asked my mum how she always remembered it. I'm not sure why, but this anniversary isn't the hard one for me, it's my EDD that kills me every year, but for them, it makes sense that I'd be at my saddest on the day we lost our baby. Obviously it was probably the worst day of my life, but to me the day she would have been born into our lives is much harder to cope with.

I hope this cycle finally brings you what you so desperately deserve.

Hang in there babe...

[Lynn]

Big big hugs to you babe

Anniversaries are so hard and there is no easy way to approach them or get through them. For most people it is the lead up that is the worst as you think of all the hopes and dreams and the what ifs. It is so hard when you have significant dates and you feel that they play a role - Cooper's weeks turned over on a Tuesday and he was born on a Tuesday. I was shocked to discover when pg with Ethan that he too clocked over another week on a Tuesday. I was adamant that I didn't want him born on a Tuesday. I hope this time your nan's birthday brings you good luck.

Nothing in this journey is easy but we are all here for you and I just hope that this cycle brings you the miracle that you so truly deserve.

Stay strong babe :hugs:

[briggsy's girl]

thanks so much for your responses ladies. I think DH has realised how much this is getting me down at the moment. he's coming home tonight for the night to be with me, and is coming home on tuesday so that he's here for me for the EDD on wednesday. at least i'll have his snuggly shoulders to cry on...

[butterfly_warrior]

I have to agree with Lynn - the lead up is worse than the actual day.

I don't know that there's any easy way to get through those dates and times. Other than taking a big deep breath and just pressing on with life.

What ever happens, BG, know that there are many of us here thinking of you and willing to lend you some strength to get you through this.

I'm glad DH will be around a bit more to help you.

BW

[mrsmac]

I think the other ladies have expressed things better than I could, all these anniversaries are hard, but remember we are all with you in spirit and thinking of you.

[Lynn]

I'm glad your DH is coming home to be with you because you will need him. Have you thought about doing something on this day? Or buying something in memory of your angel?

[briggsy's girl]

Lynn, we've planted a rose near our front door for our angel, named Angel Face, and another couple - the Children's rose, and the Bonnie Babe's rose in the same garden bed in honor of our angel. I wear a bracelet permanently that DH bought me after we lost our angel (it's only been taken off for EPU last year), and we're both planning on getting another tattoo but it's been delayed while we go through treatment...

DH just asked me our plans for Wednesday - i initially said stay in bed, cuddle, and cry all day. but i'm realistic - it will be hard, but i need to do something proactive for us on the day. i'm thinking roast dinner, and the day outside tending our baby's garden beds (we also have Mother's Love and Memorium roses in our front yard for our earlier angels, together with Joyfulness and New Era as our inspirations in that garden bed). we'll rip out the few weeds that are in there, give the roses their autumn haircut, and plant spring bulbs as something positive - won't see the real results for a while, but it will be a start of something new...

i'm sure we'll be expected to make a show at my parent's place for dad's birthday - but it's a 40k round trip to hear dad say "it's just another day" then put his hand out expecting a present. it's NOT just another day, and they either get it, or they don't - but either way, we're spending the day as US.

[Willow]

BG, that sounds like a lovely day. I always stay close to home on our anniversaries...I feel safer that way because I never really know how I'll feel until the day.

Last year I was very pregnant (L was born about 2 weeks after the anniversary) and I found this VERY hard, anxiously awaiting the arrival of one baby and mourning the loss of another. I just hung around home and cried a lot and then went out and brought the 'angel' pandora charm for my bracelet. I wore it on a necklace around my neck from that day until I brought L safely home. It was very important to me to wear it during my labour, it helped me to somehow feel like our baby was included in that special day and that she was watching over us. Now I wear it on my bracelet between my 'girl' charm for DD and my 'boy' charm for DS; one for each of my babies.

I'm sure however you spend it will be just perfect

[mako]

BG I'm sending you huge too. The day you have planned sounds beautiful. I'm sure your little angel will be with you too.
Anniversaries are really tough and I know what you mean about nobody else remembering. My dh doesn't even remember our angel babies dates or anything. He tells me its his way of "coping" and he thinks I should be the same I just can't forget as easy as that iykwim.
Anyway I just want you to know that we are all here for you and don't worry about your dads comments or anyone elses for that matter.
It really sucks that these date are all significant for other reasons too. My 1st angel was lost 1 day after my nan's b'day and 2 days before Christmas, so people never understand why I'm not happy at that time of year

Take Care BG and wrap yourself up nice and tight with your DH.
I wish you all the very best for your next FET too

[Lynn]

BG it sounds like you have a beautiful day planned. In the lead up to Coopie's first birthday I said that I just wanted to be alone and spend the day in bed crying. Then I changed my mind and wanted to do things in memory of Cooper. I invited the family over and cooked a roast and made candles and bought flowers and other things and I have to say it made the day such a memorable day. Although I would have preferred Coopie to be with us, I'm glad that I can look back on his first birthday and remember the things I did other than thinking I just spent the day in bed. Perhaps leave visiting your dad until the next day and use this day as your angels day. Do what you need to do on the day - big hugs

[jen805]

Briggsy's girl--I definitely think you're right about doing something proactive on the sad day of your anniversary. Laying in bed feeling sad will only make the day drag on. Doing something in commemoration of your beautiful angel will make happy memories on that day instead of dwelling on the sad memories! I hope you find the peace that you deserve and long for. Had my m/c the day before my b-day, so I know what you mean about celebrating one person's life, when you're still reeling from the loss of another. Maybe your family hasn't forgotten your loved ones lost, maybe it's their way of trying to take your mind off the tragic events of that date. I also think it's impossible for people who haven't been through a loss of a child to comprehend what it is that we go through. I think they feel that it's better not to bring it up, than to deal with having to come up with the right things to say. Wed. is the 6 wk. anniversary of the day of my m/c, and today I would've been 19 weeks, so I can appreciate exactly how hard anniversaries can be Thinking of you and praying for you to feel peaceful on your sad day!

[~Raven~]

BG. Thinking of you.

[Lynn]

BG thinking of you this week

[briggsy's girl]

today has ended a lot earlier than i expected - was feeling so low at work i ended up leaving at lunch time. my boss looked at me like a had lost my mind when i said to him i just wasn't coping, but every second call i could hear babies crying in the background, and when i explained why, he shuffled me out the door. was leaving and rang to see when DH would be home - and he was about 5 minutes away from work, so stopped in just to give me a hug before we drove home. have just arrived home and am feeling very odd. feel like i need to cry, but just can't. it's all feeling like it's stucked and i just feel sick!

[butterfly_warrior]

BG, sounds like my state of mind from last night was contagious.

Know that I'm thinking of you, and I meant what I said earlier, I have plenty of strength today so I'm express posting a bucket load of it down to you. Of course, I'll probably need it back to get myself through Friday, but we'll worry about that when we get there.

There's also plenty of and in the package for you. Hang in there!

BW

[Lynn]

BG - it is ok not to cry. It may come and it may not. It doesn't mean that you don't care about your angel. It just means that you have so much emotion that you don't know what to feel. Just let yourself be

[paradise lost]

Oh Hun

I don't know how i've managed to miss this until now

I know that feeling of not being able to cry, like the sadness is pressing down on you so hard it's just numbing and huge.

Just hold onto the fact that however you feel or think or act this day is right. Be gentle with yourself and let the emotions play out as they will, there is no "correct" way of doing this. The loss is too huge to take on when it happens, every day after, ESPECIALLY the special days, anniversaries, would-be-birthdays, days of loss, there is more pain to digest. When you lose a baby you go on losing every day they are not with you.

I always tell myself, when i'm having a cry over my lost littlies, that the sadness and whatever i do about it (your plans sound very positive) is my only way of being able to be close with those babies. So i embrace it. Ok, other people might think it's daft to still cry over a baby lost 6 years ago, but that baby WAS and in my heart will ALWAYS be.

Huge hugs hun. I wish i were there.

Love

Bx