Thank you all for such kind messages.

Perhaps its the anonymity of this forum or delerium from lack of sleep that is letting me be so honest and open about my feelings at this time. It is too difficult to share these thoughts with people face to face. It is also great to have somewhere to go at all hours of the night when I can't phone family and friends who are sleeping.

I'm sorry to burden you with my sadness but perhaps in a small way it might be able to help someone else who may be experiencing a loss.