A Dad for only a second..from the States.

[HudsontheBoxerdog]

Greetings all.

I realize that this forum is Aussie based, so I hope being a local American isn't shunned upon too much. In a nutshell, I found this site more encouraging and promising than the other related sites.
And let me apologize in advance for any possible grammar errors...it's past midnight and I can't sleep.

I'll attempt to explain, in short, the long-winded story.

Everything, for the most part, is normal with the pregnancy during the first 7.5 months. The only oddity was that the baby was in a breach position...and the doctors said that she might flip around when delivering time comes around. No real big deal to us, we just figured she was starting both her mother's and my stubborn attitude a little early!
Well, as time went by, our girl still hadn't flipped so the doctors were scheduling a C-Section. Still, though a small concern, we were fairly certain everything would work out on its own.
Two days after our last doctors visit, my wife starts having major contractions, and they are close together. Thinking it was the big day, we head to the hospital.
Soon enough, they hook my wife up to those contraction/heartbeat monitors and that's when the floor just dropped from under me.
They couldn't find the heartbeat with the little Doppler machine, they couldn't find any movement with the ultrasound. I requested three different doctors opinions, but they all found the same unfortunate results.
My wife was 8.5 months along with no problems. We even felt her move the night before. So somewhere between in the middle of the night and the morning portion of the day of giving birth, my daughter had passed away.
So being a stillborn, the doctors advised still having a vaginal birth rather than a C-Section, despite the baby's breach position.
So after a few painful hours of labor, my wife was able to give birth to our kid. Without a doubt, she was the most beautiful thing I've have ever laid eyes on. She was just amazing.
So we held her for a few hours, talked to her, wished her well, and told her that we would see her soon.

I guess my reasoning for writing is an obtuse form of comforting myself. I'm not really sure how anybody copes with such a loss...or are you?
How does one rationalize the odds of this happening with two perfectly healthy, drink free, drug free, smoke free, mostly stress free, happily married adults? It's never happened before in any of our family lines. It just shouldn't have happened.

And of course, the doctors haven't a clue on what might have happened.

Maybe I need to take my wife on a getaway vacation during our hiatus from work...I've always heard Australia is nice.

With my small and feeble attempt at humor aside, thanks for reading my note.

[LisaL]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I am sending y ou big hugs right now and while I havent had a loss after the first trimester I can only imagine how you and your brave wife must be feeling at the moment.
There are a few women here who have had stillbirths and I hope that you will be able to share more with them and gain some strength from their stories and how they kept going after saying goodbye to their precious babies.

You have come to the right place, and it doesnt matter where you are from, the BB girls (and some guys) will all be here for you.

take care of yourself and your wife right now and know that your daughter lives forever within your hearts and her spirit will always stay close to her mummy and daddy.

:hugs:
Lisa

[CatherineL]

OMG - I am in tears.. that is the sadest thing i have heard! I am sorry for yours and your wifes loss Hudson.. BB is a very supportive place - glad you found us! All my prayers for your little angel.

[klee]

your words sound all too devastatingly familiar, I am so sorry for your and your wifes loss. To come so far and to have your daughter taken away is just so cruel, no words can describe the feeling. I am only two months into my journey after the loss of my daughter Phoebe, my pregnancy was almost perfect, if one could be, so I am feeling your loss as though it were my own. I know no amount of words can comfort how you are feeling, I guess just take heart (if you can) in knowing that you, your wife and daughter are in teh thoughts of so many here at BB.

[Willow]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.

I must say although I can feel how much pain you are in, it is so good to see a dad post in M&L, I don't think I've ever seen it here on BB before. I don't know how, but it truly does help to get it all out, so keep posting.

Losing my baby at 12 weeks broke my heart and I was in a very bad way for a very long time. I cannot imagine the pain you and your wife are experiencing right now. There are lots of mum's on BB that have unfortunately shared your experience and i hope they will post shortly to offer some words of encouragement and support.

The only thing I can say is to take it one day at a time or one hour at a time if that's what you can manage. That's all you can do.

Your little girl will always be with you, you will carry her in your hearts.

[Tracey]

I am also very saddened & heartbroken for both yourself & your wife...

I cannot ever imagine anything more painful to happen to a couple...

I think a trip to Australia would be lovely, I guess your both trying to cope with the emotions & grief... So for now I wish you every strength you can muster to support each other to deal with such a horrific outcome...


Fly freely princess

[L-net]

Dear HudsontheBoxerdog,

Words are inadequate to express the deep sorrow I truly feel that you and your wife have lost your precious daughter. It's a wound that is felt deep in your chest and takes it's time repairing, if at all. From what I have been told by others who have suffered similar losses decades ago, it never heals completely. I am sorry you are having to deal with this tragic event.

I lost my daughter 9 months ago and still feel the pain of her abscence in our family. It is something I am trying to absorb into my life as I feel it has changed me as a person.

How do you cope? One day at a time. Find a good counsellor, talk about her with your wife and anyone who'll listen, allow yourselves to cry and cry and cry for however long it takes, get to understand the stages of grief (one step forward, two steps backward), give each other the space and time you both need to grieve as individuals, journal your feelings, write her a letter, create an album for her, plant a tree...the best advice my counsellor gave me was to cry whenever I felt like crying. Don't stop yourself from doing this.

I hope both you and your wife visit again. We'd love to know your daughter's name and hear every raw emotion you are feeling.

Be kind to yourself,

Lynnette x

PS: Australia is a nice place to come to!!!

[Amity]

Oh Hudson, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter.

Please feel free to share your grief with all of us. A burden shared is a burden lessened.

[DoulaRelle]

I am so so very sorry for the loose of your precious baby girl. My thoughts are with you and your wife, at this difficult time.

Be kind to yourselves, and never stop talking about your little girl. We would all love to hear more about her.

Hugs to you both.

[bettyboop]

So sad to hear of your loss.Best thing you can do is love and support each other though this sad time.

[briggsy's girl]

i'm so sorry to hear you're going through this - it's something no one should ever have to endure

my thoughts are with you, your wife, and your family at this time. there are some lovely ladies here on BB who've been through a similar journey who'll be able to offer you so much support Hudson - take care of yourselves, allow yourselves to grieve your precious little girl

hugs to you

[satya]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you will find some comfort from this forum as many of us have. I have a work colleague who has just gone through something similar to what has happened to you (with just two weeks to go) and we are all so worried about him (and his wife) and what to say to him when he returns to work as none of us have dealt with such a late loss before. I hope you have good friends and family who will rally around you to give you the support you need, but if not, I know you will find it here.

[bailey99]

Dear Hudsontheboxerdog,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious daughter. My daughter was also stillborn 5 months ago at 33 weeks. I know there is nothing that can said or done to make you or your wife feel any better, but honestly it does get a little easier with time.
Take care.

[Hope]

Dear Hudsontheboxerdog & wife,
Words can not express the sorrow I feel for you both, I wish I could help you take the empty feeling away. I will be thinking of you both as you grieve for your beautiful baby girl. Goodluck.
Hope xo

[tommysmum]

Dear Hudson

I am so sorry to hear of your beautiful girl - i know it is not fair and very hard to cope at this point in time. Time though does help - it has to. Make sure you have good support and talk to everyone and anyone about it. You might find people close to you don't know what to say and you may not get "the attention" you deserve. So don't be shy to talk about it (if you can) - i have found talking about it (personally i find it opens peoples eye up about what can happen) and i tell you it does help.

We lost our little boy on xmas night (15 hours after my waters broke i had a massive bleed). He was kicking all night until i got to the hospital (only 10 min) away and he was gone. The docs can't pinpoint what happened to us either (although we know "the bleed" killed him - but what was it we will never know...).

Treasure the moments you had with your daughter and if you have photo's show them off - you are still proud parents even if you don't have her in your arms.

A holiday is a fantastic idea - we escaped straight away (from the million phone calls etc) and it was the best thing we did, although very short and a very emotional time. Australia is a beautiful land - but don't come to Sydney until this monsoon stops - it is dreadful.

to yourself and your wife and your angel girl....(what is her name) ???

[tiggy]

Hudson,

I am really sorry to hear that your little princess died. We lost our son three years ago and some days are still a struggle. There is not alot that I can say, certainly nothing that will ease your pain. I think Lynnette said everything beautifully. Talk about your baby girl to anyone who will listen, take one day at a time and be true to yourself and to your wife. It's the only way to get through this. Don't worry about the expectations of others. Do all that you need to do to honour your daughter and her little life.
I'll try to get my DH to come and give his perspective.

I am wishing you strength and peace as you walk your path.

[DBT]

I'll try to get my DH to come and give his perspective.

Hi Hudson,

I'm kind of new here too, but as you can see, this is the right place to come to find people who will understand how you are feeling ... now and also later on.

One thing that sticks in my mind is how people's expectations of you can become a problem a few months down the track. Many people who have not experienced what you have will expect you to get on with things eventually. Unfortunately this expectation starts building waaay too soon.

No doubt its too early to for this, but if you sense it happening, it's important to set aside other's expectations and find people with a better understanding of the grief process. Often the best people are the ones that have travelled the same path.

I think you will find a lot of empathy here. It's important to share your thoughts and feelings with supportive people. Also focus on the important things: Family, relationships.

All the best.

Dave.

[Baby~amore`]

Dear HudsontheBoxerdog
thank you for sharing your daughter's story.You are still a daddy !

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter ,please share her name if you feel able.Yes,Lyn said it well.They all have.

I can only echo what previous people said and especially Dave -

One thing that sticks in my mind is how people's expectations of you can become a problem a few months down the track. Many people who have not experienced what you have will expect you to get on with things eventually. Unfortunately this expectation starts building waaay too soon.

especially for a man too.

Hold your wife tight and talk to each other too.Though you will grieve differently.Be patient with each other.

God bless you and give you both strength.Draw on your great personal strength as you continue this journey.It does get easier yes but some days it will seem like it happened yesterday.

It is hard for people to understand what we go through unless they experience it themselves.. Our lives seem to drag on slowly, while everyone else is going on as normal.. you feel cheated and cannot believe what has happened.. Why me?? wishing you can wake up, as if it were a bad dream.. but it isn't and we learn to live gracefully with only memories.

Trish
"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"