feelings of grief

[~TT40~]

Thankyou everyone for replying and sharing you experiences!!!
It's good to hear what little things I should avoid, and other things I should really try to achieve.
Thanks for lettting me know that being able to hold your baby if possible and have a piece of hair and hand and foot prints and photos etc would be really important, even if they don't seem so at the time.
As much as I wish I don't have a client (or any women) to experience this I do feel more prepard and capable of being there when she needs me.

~Tei

[diannescruffy]

Hi Teirae, I had a stillbirth at 24wks and what I would like to suggest is that you encourage a mother to see and hold her baby after birth as it helps so much with the grieving process. During my 27hr labour I was asked this question and I don't know why but I said I didn't want to even see my baby. I think I was in shock, but I had a great midwife who persisted with me and encouraged me to see my baby, which I did in the end and I am forever greatful to her for encouraging me. My midwife was fantastic and she was not only my nurse but a friend. Also another thing I found really difficult was organizing a funeral. Having to ring many funeral directors to find out what services they provide (as with babies they vary greatly) I would always cry when asked questiong and couldn't reply. If the hospital could suggest a good reputable funeral director this would help greatly as it is very hard to have to make arrangements to bury your child. I'd just like to commend you on your research and trying to make things easier on grieving mums.

[tempus moriendi]

Because I felt so out of control of my own body, I needed to grieve by being left alone when I felt like it and reaching out to other people when I felt like it and not on other people's time tables.

[PrincessLeia]

Hi Tei,

I am currently having a miscarriage so all of my feelings are still very raw at the moment.

I went to emergency at my local hospital on Australia Day as my doctors were closed. The comment by the doctor that annoyed me most was 'most people don't even realise they are pregnant and think they are just having a late period'. I was 'only' six weeks pregnant, but what my she didn't understand was my husband and I had been trying for 6 months, I was regular like clockwork, so after I missed my period I took a test straight away. We were so excited and for the last 2 weeks we thought we were having a baby. So I felt like I was inconveniencing them because technically I shouldn't even really know about the pregnancy yet, or so she thought. Because of that 'only' six weeks remark, I too felt like I was not 'qualified' to express my grief over a 6 week pregnancy, so it was comforting to find other forums where women felt the same.

She too used the word foetus instead of baby, which upset me too. (As my husband just said to me, for 6 months we were trying for a baby, not trying for a foetus. We weren't saying to our family, we are having a foetus that will eventually grow into a baby, we told our family we were having a baby.) It was also called a 'threatened abortion' which I was most upset about. An abortion sounds like I didn't want the baby to begin with which was so very wrong.

There are two things that I grieve about the most. I had bleeding with my first pregnancy, so I had an US at 6 weeks and saw a heartbeat. That little heartbeat at 6 weeks pregnant is now my 2 year old son, so when I was told they couldn't find a heartbeat I was devastated because I remember the heartbeat of my other child and could vision a living creature, not a foetus. When I saw the gestational sac on the screen, it broke my heart thinking there was a baby in my belly and it was dead. Not a foetus, a baby. I felt like a failure, like I should have been able to protect it. I cursed myself for climbing on the kitchen bench last week, or for eating something perhaps I shouldn't have, that perhaps I had been complacent & relaxed since the first pregnancy was successful.

There has been much more blood than a period, and I was passing clots, so I don't understand how the doctor could say it would be just like a normal period. Everytime I saw a large clot I wondered if it was the baby, and I was tempted to try & catch it & give it a proper burial. Everytime I flushed I felt guilty & cried. This is what was going on in my head which I'm sure might sound crazy to others. I too am surprised how much grief I am feeling, it is totally unexpected. You know about the dreaded 3 month mark so in my head I was prepared that this may happen, but I wasn't prepared in my heart.

I totally relate to the other posts, in that I have heard so many cliche's over the past few days I'm ready to explode at the next person who gives me one. I'm not stupid, I know it was 'nature's course' or 'it wasn't meant to be' or 'it's common' etc but these quick fix answers do not make me deal with it any better. As my husband says though, perhaps that is what people say when they don't know what to say.

I've been lucky in that my family (on both sides) have been really caring & supportive. My mother in law even sent a letter to my husband at work telling him to ensure he supports me & to not underestimate what I am going through, which I thought was lovely. He said he was so happy she wrote to him because, unless I ask for help, he just thought I was doing ok. He said he's told his friends at work and they give him the 'she'll be right mate' answer, or everyone has a story 'my aunty had 3 miscarriages & still had 5 kids' so he said he finds it hard too because it's not an environment where he can express he's upset. I agree with one post that I will find it hard to forgive a few friends who have been unsupportive & I'm sure they think I'm over-reacting. They haven't had any children so I'm sure it's a lack of understanding. One even said, yahoo - now I can drink at her hens night! Like its a consolation prize for me. I also agree with another post that I couldn't imagine what it must feel like for women who have experienced a longer pregnancy. I'm gutted at 6 weeks, I couldn't imagine my mental state if I was pregnant for longer.

This week is just dragging. I have a final US tomorrow to make sure its all 'cleaned out' properly & to determine if I need a D&C. So long as the bleeding continues & there are more doctors appointments I don't have closure & can move on. So I sympathise with saltprincess who's friend said 'aren't you over that yet', that is so cruel as your body would have barely recovered.

Thank you for taking the time to try & understand. Don't underestimate the importance of your research. It will change the lives of many women if they are treated with a little more sympathy.

[~TT40~]

PrincessLeia - *big hugs girl* I'm really sorry to hear you are going through it right now. Despite reading all these posts and listening to people, I still don't really know what to say.
I hope you get the closure you need soon. *hugs again*

~Tei

[natters]

I would just ask that you try to not say anything that could be interpreted by your client as blame for the baby's death. My doctor said my shopping trip was "not good for the baby" as he removed it. Nothing else anybody has said to me has bothered me. Even the inevitable "God has a plan" etc, etc because that one statement just overrides it all for me.

I like the idea of supporting the partner as well.

[munchy]

hi tei

i was just reading up on all of this tread and wanted to put my experience on hear first of all i agree with everything all the ladys have said i lost my baby girl at 23 weeks due to a diease called bilateral muticyctic dysplastic kidneys which ment i had to terminate my pregnancy as she would have never of survived it was a very hard choice and boy did i feel guilty and the giving birth was so heartbreaking to go through the labour and not have a healthy baby after was hard my family were great they were there always offering cuddles which is what i needed but my husbands family were completely different there reaction was it is a fetus not a baby and when i told them that i was having pics taken they said that it was just morbid and asking them to come to the funral they replied with we would never want to go to a funeral of someone we never new i just dont no how they could be so heartless and to be honest i think it was threre comments that led me to go councelling. i think after having to terminate i had to have a huge needle through my tummy that went into my babys heart to stop it i think they should have offered councelling and i was never offered it i also think that my midwife could have maybe being a little bit more compasionate instead of acting like eberything was normal. what made it worse was if people would try to avoid me or didnt want to tell me they were pregnant not sure why but i just wanted people to treat me normal not like there was something wrong with me if that makes sence. i think there is alot that can be changed especially different waiting rooms also i had to travel a long way to have that injection in my tummy so i had to have a train ride for an hour and a half knowing my baby was not alive anymore and people were smiling at me as if to say arr she is having a baby little did they no what was wrong. i would love to become a midwife and will hopefully study it after having this baby i am pregnant with now and i think i would just give a person a great big cuddle and tell them that its ok to cry and to get it all out. sorry to ramble on there is so much in my head i need to get out but i will stop hope it goes well for you and its great you are doing this for your clients i just hope no one has to experience it.

Munchy xxx