Hi Tei,

I am currently having a miscarriage so all of my feelings are still very raw at the moment.

I went to emergency at my local hospital on Australia Day as my doctors were closed. The comment by the doctor that annoyed me most was 'most people don't even realise they are pregnant and think they are just having a late period'. I was 'only' six weeks pregnant, but what my she didn't understand was my husband and I had been trying for 6 months, I was regular like clockwork, so after I missed my period I took a test straight away. We were so excited and for the last 2 weeks we thought we were having a baby. So I felt like I was inconveniencing them because technically I shouldn't even really know about the pregnancy yet, or so she thought. Because of that 'only' six weeks remark, I too felt like I was not 'qualified' to express my grief over a 6 week pregnancy, so it was comforting to find other forums where women felt the same.

She too used the word foetus instead of baby, which upset me too. (As my husband just said to me, for 6 months we were trying for a baby, not trying for a foetus. We weren't saying to our family, we are having a foetus that will eventually grow into a baby, we told our family we were having a baby.) It was also called a 'threatened abortion' which I was most upset about. An abortion sounds like I didn't want the baby to begin with which was so very wrong.

There are two things that I grieve about the most. I had bleeding with my first pregnancy, so I had an US at 6 weeks and saw a heartbeat. That little heartbeat at 6 weeks pregnant is now my 2 year old son, so when I was told they couldn't find a heartbeat I was devastated because I remember the heartbeat of my other child and could vision a living creature, not a foetus. When I saw the gestational sac on the screen, it broke my heart thinking there was a baby in my belly and it was dead. Not a foetus, a baby. I felt like a failure, like I should have been able to protect it. I cursed myself for climbing on the kitchen bench last week, or for eating something perhaps I shouldn't have, that perhaps I had been complacent & relaxed since the first pregnancy was successful.

There has been much more blood than a period, and I was passing clots, so I don't understand how the doctor could say it would be just like a normal period. Everytime I saw a large clot I wondered if it was the baby, and I was tempted to try & catch it & give it a proper burial. Everytime I flushed I felt guilty & cried. This is what was going on in my head which I'm sure might sound crazy to others. I too am surprised how much grief I am feeling, it is totally unexpected. You know about the dreaded 3 month mark so in my head I was prepared that this may happen, but I wasn't prepared in my heart.

I totally relate to the other posts, in that I have heard so many cliche's over the past few days I'm ready to explode at the next person who gives me one. I'm not stupid, I know it was 'nature's course' or 'it wasn't meant to be' or 'it's common' etc but these quick fix answers do not make me deal with it any better. As my husband says though, perhaps that is what people say when they don't know what to say.

I've been lucky in that my family (on both sides) have been really caring & supportive. My mother in law even sent a letter to my husband at work telling him to ensure he supports me & to not underestimate what I am going through, which I thought was lovely. He said he was so happy she wrote to him because, unless I ask for help, he just thought I was doing ok. He said he's told his friends at work and they give him the 'she'll be right mate' answer, or everyone has a story 'my aunty had 3 miscarriages & still had 5 kids' so he said he finds it hard too because it's not an environment where he can express he's upset. I agree with one post that I will find it hard to forgive a few friends who have been unsupportive & I'm sure they think I'm over-reacting. They haven't had any children so I'm sure it's a lack of understanding. One even said, yahoo - now I can drink at her hens night! Like its a consolation prize for me. I also agree with another post that I couldn't imagine what it must feel like for women who have experienced a longer pregnancy. I'm gutted at 6 weeks, I couldn't imagine my mental state if I was pregnant for longer.

This week is just dragging. I have a final US tomorrow to make sure its all 'cleaned out' properly & to determine if I need a D&C. So long as the bleeding continues & there are more doctors appointments I don't have closure & can move on. So I sympathise with saltprincess who's friend said 'aren't you over that yet', that is so cruel as your body would have barely recovered.

Thank you for taking the time to try & understand. Don't underestimate the importance of your research. It will change the lives of many women if they are treated with a little more sympathy.