BW, I don't know what to say. I must confess to feeling shock, disbelief and a sense of emptiness and uselessness. You are a wonderful woman, nothing you did was the cause of caterpillar's departure from this earth and as everyone else has said, you need to do what is good for you at this moment. Whether that means consulting Dr S or not. Give yourself time to grieve, and we will grieve right along with you.
God must have something very special in store for you life ahead. The fact that you have gone thorugh so many trials shows how strong you are. I know you don't feel strong at the moment, and you shouldn't really try and be I suppose, but I am constantly amazed at how you can pick yourself up and keep going. We all love you a lot and your loss causes us pain. I wish I could say something that helped
BW - have only just read this (been offline for a week).
Sweetheart I am so sorry, I don't have the words to express how this has made me feel, I know how much caterpillar was wanted and loved, by yourselves and by us all here.
Take it day by day, if you can't take it day by day, take it hour by hour, if that is too hard then minute by minute, if that gets to much then breath by breath.
Oh BW, i've been thinking about you all day. I hope you slept ok.
They say a problem shared is a problem halved. There must be a thousand of us out here wanting to shoulder this load with you. We must all be wishing we could take this away, and we can't. But maybe we can carry it with you, when it's too heavy. I hope you can feel our hands on you, our arms round you, our tears falling with yours.
You walked so far to get to here, and i was privileged just to walk a very little recent distance with you. There's ALOT more walking in this old dog BW.
I was told it would take a while for hormone levels to drop back down... I guess one small blessing is that seems to be happening fairly quickly. I had so much arthritis pain in my legs last night - I really didn't realise just how much being pregnant had eased those problems for me. It was a physically painful reminder of all that I had lost - as if the pain in my heart isn't bad enough.
When I go to bed it's even worse - all the things you can do to distract yourself stop then. I just couldn't get past the unfairness of it all. I've been so sick for so long, finally get well enough and we have trouble TTC, IVF was absolutely savage on me... but our first transfer works... and now this. I just sat there and cried over the fact that my mother and my sister are never sick, have never had to fight for something they want, have never really had to face loss... Why does it have to be so bloody hard for me... and then this... They get everything so easily, and every step of the way is a struggle for me. It's like I'm wearing the entire family's worth of crap and they get away free and easy.
DH is making the phone calls for me today. Cancelling the appointments I don't need any more, and making the ones I do. I think he understands now why I need to see Dr S. Yes, this could have just been a freak accident, but I have to know before I can go further whether my body was in any way responsible, and I have to do everything within my power to stop it happening again.
BW, it's totally normal to feel that way sweetie, and most of the time night time is the hardest time.
I wish there was something I could do to make it all better, but no one can and that's why it is so hard.
I do promise you though that one day it will be easier, you just need to carry on as best you can until you reach that point. As you know, I struggled for months after our loss and I know that being sick and in pain too (although for me it was for different reasons) is just like an added insult....but coming here to BB and talking to these amazing women is what saved my sanity, I know you already know that, but I just want to encourage you to keep 'talking'.
I'm at work for the rest of the week but I am even closer than Michelle (I think) so if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
I'm trying so hard to not sit here and think "I should be 9 weeks today" I don't think it's helpful to focus on what could have been... unfortunately, it's just too early to focus on the next step.
I just can't stop crying... and physically I don't know what to expect after the D&C. How long should I bleed for? Do I have to wait for another period before we can start again? And is that even likely to happen with my PCOS and lack of cycles?
Apart from that... I just feel ick - I haven't had a shower since Monday morning. I climbed into my PJs late Monday night when we finally got home from the hospital, and I just haven't moved since. I know it's revolting and festy... but I just can't see a point.
I feel it would be helpful to plant something... but we rent... and I just can't keep plants alive. I think if I were to get a plant to remember our Caterpillar with and it died too... I don't think I could recover.
If I'm so certain I'll get through this... why can't I put my life on fast forward for a while to get through the painful stuff?
Hun It will take time but you will get there. Remember that you are brave and strong. I cant help much more than to say that I am praying for you and thinking of you and know that I am not alone in doing that. There are so many people out here wishing you all the best, and that will do anyting they can to help you through this.
Oh BW, honey, Ive only just seen this post. Im so sorry to hear you have lost your special caterpillar. It is so upsetting as I know just how deserving you were of this chance and its just not fair. It makes me angry, so angry.
:hugs:
I dont know what else to say sweetie, except that I am thinking of you and sending you strength to help get through this.
I hope Dr S can give you the answers you are seeking.
Oh Butterfly, I have been following your journey. My heart aches for you today. Hold on sweetie. Put your head down and just hold on. Sending you peace and love.
xoxooxoo :hugs:
I understand about thinking where you "should" be in your pregnancy. It hurts and it is hideous... I also understand about not wanting to plant something and for it to die. There are other things you can do if you choose... You could buy a special candle holder/candle. It could be caterpillars... You can light it whenever you need as a reminder... You can buy a book that is significant - of quotations or poetry that you can read when you need to feel close... I am sure the other women will have some ideas...
I want you to have a nice warm bath... Put some lavender/rose geranium in and soak... Soak away some of that pain.
I know that feeling of wanting to go to sleep and wake up when the pain is not as bad. I truly truly understand that feeling. But we can't. For some reason this is part of your life journey. It is so hard and painful but we have to go through it the best way we can. But few of us can do it alone. You don't have to because I don't think there is a single person in our beautiful Belly Belly community that isn't praying for you, who isn't feeling some of your pain for you... Remember that when you feel really dark. I know it won't help much but it will help some... :hugs:
Can you have a massage - just to release some of what is being held in that body of yours. It will ease you physically but I believe it eases your spirit some too. It could be a good thing...
I am a long way away but my thoughts are close. You can email me if you need to my love...
BW, huge cyber hugs for you today. You must be feeling awful. I think Flowerchild's suggestion to have a bath is a good idea. Go and run one and then see how you feel about hopping in. Thinking of you during this difficult time...
I have seen you get through so much already I know that you can get through this as well. Be strong in the knowledge that there are so many people who care about you so much.
BW - I counted the days and the weeks after Caitlyn was born until her due date and even now think "I would have had an X year old baby girl". It is completely normal and it gets us through to the other side. I am also the only one in my family that had *problems* (too many to mention ) and it is the worst feeling in the world but take the time to feel the "why me" feelings. You are allowed to feel cheated and angry and frustrated that you got it all and they got none. I remind my family now and *thank* them for making me so *special*.
Willow is right - she is closer, but you have my number. Thinking of you and sending you big hugs.
Now ....... out of those jammies, into the shower and make sure you EAT SOMETHING!!! Book an acupuncture session too and ask them to send you home with the ear acupuncture needle bandaids in your ears. They are like 5mg of valium (but drug free!!) and they were my lifeline for about 4-5 months after Caitlyn's birth.
Well... crap morning, but I feel like there's maybe a little spark of hope out there now.
Eventually I gave up fighting it this morning - I just went back to bed and cried... and cried a whole heap more... Gave myself a rotten headache, but feel as though a weight has been lifted from my heart.
I did eventually shower and dress - took until 3, but I got there. Couldn't face cleaning the bath to be able to use it, so as appealing as the soak in the tub with aromatherapy oils sounds, it's not going to happen. Still have a little blood loss, so probably not a good idea any way. Of course, the moment I go shower is the moment one of the clinic nurses calls to check on me. So typical, will have to try to remember to call her tomorrow.
The pregnancy appetite is subsiding - I'm sure it was the only thing that kept me going yesterday - being hungry all the time. Breakfast happened this morning, lunch happened around 4, but it did actually happen. There's been a few snacks during the day thanks to an angel from church who dropped around yesterday and brought food so I wouldn't have to worry about it. There's just something so comforting about being able to go grab something to eat that tastes good... I think if I were to cook anything right now it would taste like dust, I'd never realised just how much it can help to provide a meal for someone until now.
DH has instructions to bring more chocolate home with him. Poor dear, he sent me a silly text message trying to be funny, and got all the crap from the day poured out onto him in reply. He has promised to be home on time, which will make a nice change. He's really loving his new job (can I still call it new 6 months on?) and sometimes gets so engrossed in things he forgets to come home or to call... I can see what a huge effort he's making at the moment though, and I do love him for that.
I think acknowledging the way I feel and allowing myself to feel it has really helped. I know there'll be good days, bad days, days that are just complete and utter crap... I know when I've got something to focus on I'll feel better - I'm just not up to finding it or maintaining that focus just yet. I think my first step is going to be to adjust to life with arthritis pain again.
The hurt, the pain, the anger... it's all still there. But the peace is starting to seep in as well.
Thank you to everyone who reads my babble - it helps so much to be able to get it all out and know that people understand.
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please don't give up I know you can't see the light right now but it's there
) and it is the worst feeling in the world but take the time to feel the "why me" feelings. You are allowed to feel cheated and angry and frustrated that you got it all and they got none. I remind my family now and *thank* them for making me so *special*.
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