BW, I was exactly the same when mine happened. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to do anything, but my DP, bless his cotton socks, got me dressed and took me out - it wasn't the best thing for me, but it was the thought that counted and thats what I love about him.
BW, all those things that you did today like have a shower and eat, although they may not feel like it, are huge achievements. It took me weeks to even get out of bed and the thought of going outside seemed all too much. In some ways, being home in the environment you feel safe in is exactly what you need. A shower is very theraputic, but hey, if you don't have one it isn't the end of the world. Just know that each day you get through is a step forward in the path to healing.
I was the same, especially after the 2nd one, i just wanted to sit on the sofa and stare into space. I can remember that hopelessness, but it does lift eventually, i promise.
By talking and letting those who love to be loving with you, you're doing absolutely the best possible thing. The feelings of regret and counting the weeks you would have been is so normal hun. Only a few months ago i was on here talking about how i still miss my little angels and how i'd have a 5 year old by now! These things never go away but it goes from being a horrible burden to carry them to being something you're glad to do. When i remember my angels i think of how lucky i was. They only got to come to earth for a few weeks and they chose to spend them with me. Remembering becomes a privilege not a trial.
I think the candle idea is a beautiful one. Something you can light, see the living flame dancing, and remember that though we are parted from our loved ones for periods of time there is no Death in God's kingdom.
If we left someone for you to care for, someone who had suffered a terrible blow, an awful loss, you would care for them BW. You would make sure they ate, they were clean and comfortable, you would listen to them and love them until they healed. Care for yourself as if you were nursing this stranger. Grant yourself the same time and energy, compassion and love, as you would another in your position. You are a wonderfully compassionate person - extend that compassion to yourself.
ETA: I just remembered, when i lost my first angel my DP brought home one day a big teddy bear from a charity shop. It was 2nd hand and it smelled like baby. Holding it was incredibly painful and incredibly comforting at the same time. Getting something for my empty arms to hold made such a difference. I called the bear Henry and after mum died and DD was born my dad told me one day how he feels lonely in bed. Henry lives with dad now, so he has someone to cuddle in the night.
Love and
Bec
Last edited by paradise lost; July 18th, 2007 at 08:59 PM.
Reading the stories of pain and loss from everyone here just makes me want to cry (but I can't cause I'm at school!). I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child - losing a father was bad enough. But I hope it helps you to know BW, that there are so may people out there that can empathise with how you feel and that even if, like me, we haven't expereinced the same thing you have, we stil lfeel awful for you and wish you didn't have to feel the pain. I'm glad you have taken the time to cry and to shower. Maybe in a week or so when you feel a bit better a facial wouldn't go astray. I hope you can get some relief from the arthritis and that sleeping becomes easier. Still praying for you, hon.
Today I'm showered, dressed and fed already... all because I know DH is plotting to get me out of the house for a bit today, and it's going to be easier to do if I can just up and walk out without having to get ready when I need to go.
We talked a lot last night. It was hard as you can type through tears but you can't talk through them. In some ways, it helps to know that DH is hurting too. I had on "oh crap!" moment last night when I remembered that my maternal grandmother had problems with blood clots her whole life. I think dad's mother also had clotting problems... We're planning to visit the family in Newcastle on Saturday - I'll be quizzing the parents at length about the family medical history. Can anyone suggest things I should focus on? What are the important things to know there?
I've also started building a list of questions to ask the doctors. I have to know whether the spotting I got when I reduced the prednisone dose was relevant. I have to know whether the fact that as soon as I got pregnant sex became extremely painful is relevant.
DH made an appointment with Dr S for us yesterday. August 8th. I'm having a little difficulty explaining to him why I still think I need it when both my rheumy and my FS have stated that further auto-immune testing isn't necessary. He's also wondering why the current FS can't do the testing that I'm wanting Dr S to do... and when you put it in those terms, I'm starting to wonder what it's all about myself. I think DH would prefer to stick to just one FS, as he has the whole story, and it's getting a little long and complicated now. I can see his point... but why was it ok to get a second opinion from a urologist when the first said surgery and DH wasn't happy with that?
And then there's the random post-D&C questions... is it normal to still be bleeding now? It's only very lightly, and very thin and red. I still have some cramping, is that normal? How long until it's ok for us to have sex again? Not that I'm up for it, but I can see that DH is impatient for it... He's been so incredibly patient with all the spotting and pain while pregnant, and I think this is something he needs ASAP.
In some ways, it helps to know that DH is hurting too. Yep - they do hurt, and more than we often allow them. They also express it in different ways and get through by *doing*. And you both need to recognise you do it in different ways.
I had on "oh crap!" moment last night when I remembered that my maternal grandmother had problems with blood clots her whole life. Can anyone suggest things I should focus on? What are the important things to know there? If they had clots, find out where there clots were and when they had them. My Mum had a HUGE clot in the big vein in the thigh just after my sister was born - I *blame* her for my clotting disorder, even though she has not been tested. Just knowing that information will direct the testing (but generally, they will test for clotting disorders as part of a full workup)
I've also started building a list of questions to ask the doctors. I have to know whether the spotting I got when I reduced the prednisone dose was relevant. I have to know whether the fact that as soon as I got pregnant sex became extremely painful is relevant. All relevant and all these questions should be asked - WRITE THEM DOWN!!!!
DH made an appointment with Dr S for us yesterday. August 8th Excellent - the next step. Good work!!
I'm having a little difficulty explaining to him why I still think I need it when both my rheumy and my FS have stated that further auto-immune testing isn't necessary. He's also wondering why the current FS can't do the testing that I'm wanting Dr S to do... and when you put it in those terms, I'm starting to wonder what it's all about myself. Any *idiot* can do the testing, it is the interpretation of these results that are important. I had borderline insulin resistance on one of my tests which may have significantly impacted on my ability to lose weight pre-pregnancy and also flag me for GD when pregnant. I had GD. I lost weight pregnant. What you are after is not the tests, but the interpretation of the tests and Dr S is the specialist who looks at the tests for specific issues relating to auto-immune disorders.
I think DH would prefer to stick to just one FS, as he has the whole story, and it's getting a little long and complicated now. I can see his point... but why was it ok to get a second opinion from a urologist when the first said surgery and DH wasn't happy with that? Ask him that. Why is a second opinion ok for the urologist but not for the FS?? It is often distressing to go through the whole information again and he may not want you to be hurt any further by having to talk about everything all over again. It may be his way of protecting you from further hurt. You need the chance to get all the answers.
And then there's the random post-D&C questions... is it normal to still be bleeding now? It's only very lightly, and very thin and red. I still have some cramping, is that normal? Yep - normal. Should be like a light menstrual period (although some have no bleeding at all, or very minimal. Should be finished in a day or so. Worry if there is a foul smell, discoloured discharge but otherwise it is normal.
How long until it's ok for us to have sex again? Not that I'm up for it, but I can see that DH is impatient for it... He's been so incredibly patient with all the spotting and pain while pregnant, and I think this is something he needs ASAP. He may need it - but perhaps not in the usual way you would think. It is a way of being close, a different sort of close that is (IMO) soul restoring. No other person can get that close to you, to share the pain. It is hard to express how much you love that other person and how much they mean and to share how much you are hurting. I cried the first time after Caitlyn (and after my miscarriage). Warn him about that chance. As soon as the bleeding has stopped (basically now) and you are ready.
You have taken the first step forward - and you smell good too Have a lovely day together and enjoy the sunshine. Small blessings make the world beautiful.
Glad you are getting out and about. I cannot remember how long it was for the bleeding to stop I am sure it was a week or more. Give yourself time to grieve, it is all so natural to feel the way you do. Take Care and thinking of you.
The only thing I would suggest is to write everything down and take it with you. when I went to the Dr post d&c I had no questions to ask.. I drew a complete blank..
As for the bleeding. I thnk I bled for 2 days after my first d&c after my 2nd I bled for 3 days but due to a complete stuff up they hadn't done it properly so I ended up miscarrying what was left 5 days later.. I had some cramps after my first.. just mild ones.. If I did to much they came on stronger..
BW, I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer about the bleeding/DTD, but I did want to say how fantastic it is that you have taken the proactive step and booked in to see Dr. S. I don't know much about your history, but I truely believe that taking back the control over my body after losing Harry, and just doing what felt right to me was the absolute best thing to do. I may have offended Drs and Specialists, but I am the one who has to live with my choices. Our instinct is amazing, we just have to stop long enough to listen to it.
Good luck on the 8th BW! I'm glad you and DH had a talk. Keep talking as much as you can - someone told me when my father died that the more I talked about him the easier it would be (although hard talking through the tears at first). The more you can communicate with DH the better.
BW sweet girl.......I have been away for a while, and I am at work now so I can't really reply properly, but I just wanted to fling a lot of hugs your way. My heart is breaking for you, it really is.
(It was exactly 5 years today since I lost my first, so I can feel your pain, I really can.)
That said, your subsequent posts show the amazing stregth that will carry you forward. xx Lucy x
I second what was said there BW, ask about clots, about where they were, about (painful to discuss i know) early miscarriages, when and how. And write down the info so you have it with you. Have you been screened for Phospholipid Antibodies? You can ask your FS or Mr S for that i would think. Painful sex doesn't sound like the norm but increased blood flow can make the cervix tender and lots of women avoid sex in the 1st tri and never find out it hurts until it no longer hurts IYKWIM. Ask about that too.
Maybe you could compare this situation with the one about urologist/surgery with DH and point out to him that when it didn't sit right, he needed a 2nd opinion, and just now for you, this just isn't sitting right and you need to hear from Mr S before you can go on. I'm sure he'll understand with such a direct comparison hon, it's hard to think straight in al this pain, as i know you're aware
As for the sex, i would say if you feel ready and the bleeding isn't bothering you too much, then go for it whenever you like. Go gently with one another, i'm sure getting close like that will be a joy and a release for you both.
I ate, I showered, dressed... and left the house. Spur of the moment thing - I decided that another second staring at the walls here would drive me stark raving mad so I left. I went to work for a little while.
It wasn't easy, but I did manage to do it. I even survived walking through the playground at lunch time... was hard trying to explain to one of my students that I'd be ok, and I'd be back next week. It was good to go in and face people and talk a little when I knew I could leave if it got too much. It was even good to go sit and chat with the deputy about what had happened - to be able to talk through it with someone who's not emotionally involved was helpful. They've just been brilliant. DH told the deputy on Monday, he told the people that needed to know... and my HOD took care of telling the people who were my friends that I'd told about the pregnancy. There's a few odd people who have probably slipped through, but I suspect they're intelligent enough to be able to figure it out. I guess the sad fact is that my school has been here before with another teacher - both the IVF and the loss, but at least they know how to be supportive.
Appointments have been arranged. I'll be back to the FS on the 1st of August, I'm relieved it's not a Monday. DH has arranged for us both to have a bowen therapy session tomorrow afternoon, and I think talking to the bowen therapist has done him the world of good. When he got home I asked him why second opinions were ok in the urology department and not here... The bowen therapist actually managed to explain to DH that it doesn't matter where this thought has come from, whether it's illogical or unfounded, women's intuition or just a plain gut feeling on my part - I'm not going to be able to relax unless it's ruled out. Bless her! Everything I was trying to get out through choked up tears last night has been explained to him calmly and logically and he gets it now. So DH is on the same page as me now - we pressure the current FS for testing, and if he won't, we get Dr S to do it.
I even managed to call my parents and talk to them both for a bit. We'll be heading up to see them on Saturday - just a quick day trip. I know it's going to be hard because mum's going to want to hug me, and my family doesn't really do hugs, and that will break me down... but I think it's important for us to do it sooner rather than later. I think a day out will be good for us both, a change of scenery will be nice, even if it does have a very smothering mother at the end of it. I think I can understand what she's thinking - her baby's hurting (yes, at 32 I'm still her baby!), and there's not a damn thing she can do, and she can't even understand the pain...
I'm resisting the temptation to think that one good day means it's going to be all good from here. Please smack me severely about the head if I start beating up on myself for having a rough day any time soon. I do feel good that I've made some sort of action towards finding out why our Caterpillar died, and preventing it happening again. It feels good to be able to shift the focus to the future a little, rather than dwelling on the might have beens.
Today I was blessed with a good day. Tomorrow may not be quite so good... but that will be ok.
BW, I am so glad you've made an appt with Dr S!!! That's a great step forward. Maybe try to explain to your DH that you aren't seeing him in his FS capacity, but as a reproductive immunologist - seeing them as two different types of drs might help him understand why it's important??
The friend I was telling you about had her epu yesterday with great results!! We are very hopeful that Dr S will get her there this time. We have to wait to get to blastocyst but there is much hope for her now when 8 weeks ago there was none!!
BW, I'm so glad to hear you had a good day and that you managed to get out and about. I am amazed that you made it to school so quickly - I certainly wouldn't have! Good luck with the visit to the parents - just don't wear mascara anytime soon .
It's great that DH and you are on the same page now. It sounds like he is being wonderfully supportive at the same time as dealing with his own feelings of loss. God is looking after you - I hope you feel his comfort tangibly.
Registered User
Have a lovely day together and enjoy the sunshine. Small blessings make the world beautiful.
.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks