Last night was a really bad night.

I was told it would take a while for hormone levels to drop back down... I guess one small blessing is that seems to be happening fairly quickly. I had so much arthritis pain in my legs last night - I really didn't realise just how much being pregnant had eased those problems for me. It was a physically painful reminder of all that I had lost - as if the pain in my heart isn't bad enough.

When I go to bed it's even worse - all the things you can do to distract yourself stop then. I just couldn't get past the unfairness of it all. I've been so sick for so long, finally get well enough and we have trouble TTC, IVF was absolutely savage on me... but our first transfer works... and now this. I just sat there and cried over the fact that my mother and my sister are never sick, have never had to fight for something they want, have never really had to face loss... Why does it have to be so bloody hard for me... and then this... They get everything so easily, and every step of the way is a struggle for me. It's like I'm wearing the entire family's worth of crap and they get away free and easy.

DH is making the phone calls for me today. Cancelling the appointments I don't need any more, and making the ones I do. I think he understands now why I need to see Dr S. Yes, this could have just been a freak accident, but I have to know before I can go further whether my body was in any way responsible, and I have to do everything within my power to stop it happening again.

BW