Today has been a good day.

I ate, I showered, dressed... and left the house. Spur of the moment thing - I decided that another second staring at the walls here would drive me stark raving mad so I left. I went to work for a little while.

It wasn't easy, but I did manage to do it. I even survived walking through the playground at lunch time... was hard trying to explain to one of my students that I'd be ok, and I'd be back next week. It was good to go in and face people and talk a little when I knew I could leave if it got too much. It was even good to go sit and chat with the deputy about what had happened - to be able to talk through it with someone who's not emotionally involved was helpful. They've just been brilliant. DH told the deputy on Monday, he told the people that needed to know... and my HOD took care of telling the people who were my friends that I'd told about the pregnancy. There's a few odd people who have probably slipped through, but I suspect they're intelligent enough to be able to figure it out. I guess the sad fact is that my school has been here before with another teacher - both the IVF and the loss, but at least they know how to be supportive.

Appointments have been arranged. I'll be back to the FS on the 1st of August, I'm relieved it's not a Monday. DH has arranged for us both to have a bowen therapy session tomorrow afternoon, and I think talking to the bowen therapist has done him the world of good. When he got home I asked him why second opinions were ok in the urology department and not here... The bowen therapist actually managed to explain to DH that it doesn't matter where this thought has come from, whether it's illogical or unfounded, women's intuition or just a plain gut feeling on my part - I'm not going to be able to relax unless it's ruled out. Bless her! Everything I was trying to get out through choked up tears last night has been explained to him calmly and logically and he gets it now. So DH is on the same page as me now - we pressure the current FS for testing, and if he won't, we get Dr S to do it.

I even managed to call my parents and talk to them both for a bit. We'll be heading up to see them on Saturday - just a quick day trip. I know it's going to be hard because mum's going to want to hug me, and my family doesn't really do hugs, and that will break me down... but I think it's important for us to do it sooner rather than later. I think a day out will be good for us both, a change of scenery will be nice, even if it does have a very smothering mother at the end of it. I think I can understand what she's thinking - her baby's hurting (yes, at 32 I'm still her baby!), and there's not a damn thing she can do, and she can't even understand the pain...

I'm resisting the temptation to think that one good day means it's going to be all good from here. Please smack me severely about the head if I start beating up on myself for having a rough day any time soon. I do feel good that I've made some sort of action towards finding out why our Caterpillar died, and preventing it happening again. It feels good to be able to shift the focus to the future a little, rather than dwelling on the might have beens.

Today I was blessed with a good day. Tomorrow may not be quite so good... but that will be ok.

BW