Grieving

[NicoleV]

I am new to this site and I am posting in hopes to relieve some pain I have.

It was the afternoon of 9/11/2007 where I was 24 weeks 6 days pregnant. I was experiencing pain in my lower back. After 1 hour of back pain, I decided to start timing the pain. It was 5-7 minutes apart and I decided to call my OB after I had a lot of bleeding. When she told be to go to labor and delivery, I started to freak out. Luckily my husband was on vacation at the time so he drove me to the hospital. My baby was breach and my placenta was slightly over my cervix. The only thing they could do was to do an emergency c-section. I was freaked out and told my husband to call my mom. My handsome baby boy, Nikolai Liam Voeller, was born at 4:41PM that day and was 1 LB 12OZ. He was rushed to an Intensive care facility for preemies. I was discharged a day early to be with him. A day later, his doctor informed my husband and I that he was bleeding SEVERELY in his brain and we had to choose whether or not to pull life support. Knowing that he had a 0-1% chance of survival, we made the hardest decision any parent can make. Now, my emotions are like a roller coaster and I have no clue how to cope. I feel so guilty for the choice I made even though I know it was the right one to make. Luckily I was able to hold him before life support was taken off and when it was taken off. I held him until the last breath he took. My husband and I talked to him and told him that we love him, to be strong, and to RIP. Minutes before his last breath, he brought out his arm, to wave goodbye. I am so heart broken I cannot even begin to express how I feel. How can I manage my depression and go on my everyday life?

[Enchanted]

Oh *big hugs* Nicole. I am sitting here crying, I can't imagine what you have already gone through and are still going through. My thoughts and with you and your DH on the sad loss of your amazinglittle man Nikolai. I know am sure it would be hard not to feel guilty but you made the decision that you felt in your heart was right and that is what counts.

Take all the time you need to grieve and know that everyone here on BB is here to support you through this. Take care xx

[cherie26]

Sweetie your story breaks my heart. You are such a brave and caring mum to do what you did. Take all the support from friends, family and expecially the girls on this site as there are so many on here who have been through the same as you and will be able to know how you are feeling. You just have to take one day at a time and know I am praying for you and your DH.
Take care

[klee]

Nicole - i am so sorry for the loss of beautiful little Nikolai, its devastating to hear that another angel has left us, I am sitting here wondering what to say, because no words will comfort you, you are only very early in your days of grieving, so be kind to yourself. you have come to the right place for support and there are many ladies around these threads that have been through something similar.You, your husband and little Nikolai are in my prayers and thoughts.

What a gift he gave you in waiving goodbye, what a blessing he was, i'm sorry he could not stay longer.

[Leila]

Nicole sorry for the loss of you beautiful boy. There are no words to express the sadness i felt when i read your post. Just know that we are all here for you if you ever need to express your feeling. Be kind to yourself, you are a very brave woman. I wish you all the best, my thoughts are with you and your family.

[Liviam]

Nicole there are no words I can say to ease the pain and sadness you are going through at the moment. I couldn't imagine going through what you are at the moment but I just want to let you know that you, your DH and little Nikolai are in my thoughts and prayers.
Please take the time to grieve the loss of Nikolai and be kind to yourself.

[Rowie]

Hi Nicole

I am sitting here crying after reading your post. My heart absolutely breaks for you and DH losing your little man Nikolai. What a beautiful moment you will treasure for ever when he waved goodbye. Please take time to grieve, your emotions are so raw at the moment. Take care of yourself and DH and grab onto all the support that is offered to you. Know that everyone on BB is here for you.

With love

[satya]

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't ever feel guilty for your choice, you will have saved him from a lot of pain. You did the right thing.

[Lynn]

Nicole I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Nikolai. It breaks my heart to hear of another bub growing its wings too soon. You are in the early stages of grieving - the pain is so raw. Surround yourself with supportive people, perhaps seek out a counsellor who you can talk to and most importantly cry, scream.....whatever it is you need to do in grieving for your son. It is so hard to express how you feel because you have so many emotions and sometimes it is too hard to work out what you are feeling. You are probably just numb except for the pain that you feel in every beat of your heart. Just take each day at a time and take care of yourself. With each day you will get stronger but you will always remember and cry for your little angel. Big big :hugs:

[treelo]

I dont know what to say hun except i am so so sorry for your terrible loss. I pray that you and your partner find a way to grieve and find peace within yourselves.

hugs
treelo

[munchy]

Hi Nicole

i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful baby boy your story made me cry and bought back some memories of my situation. i dont know if this helps but i no how you feel when you say you feel guilty i had to make a hard descion i was 20wk pregnant and i went to my 20 wk scan to find out my little girl had bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys and no bladder and some other internal problems and i was told that i had to make the descion to carry on with pregnancy which meant i could either go into prem labour and loose baby or i might get to full term and baby would be born in alot of pain and would die within secounds or terminate the pregnany there and then and the thought of it hurt me so much but there was no way she would have survived so i had to have an injection into her heart to stop it then 3 days later was induced so i had her at 23 wks as i had some secound opinons to make sure and i feel so guilty and cant help but think what if i had carried on with the pregnany and she would have been fine although i no she wouldnt have been i still cant help but think it i think the worst thing was having the injection into her heart i felt like running away i felt like i should have protected her from all the docs and told them that they couldnt touch me or her sorry to go on about my story i just think it helps knowing people have been through similar things. please be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve its a long and hard process and having family friends and this site will help you get through the down days i am always hear to talk sending you a big i just want to say you are such a brave person and you have made the right desicion take care of yourself honey.

Munchy xxx

[megs11]

I am so sorry for your loss, take the time you need and do what you need to do, grieve in the way you need to, love each other and go gently.

Hugs

Meagan

[Auntie M]

Nicole- i am so sorry for your loss of Nikolai. i wish my tears could ease your pain. you are so fresh to this pain, and unfortunately, there is no cure -- but time will ease the raw edges of it. when i was at your point after my loss, i thought that i would go insane with the sadness, anger, grief, fear, guilt and all of the other emotions that roll through without warning. i want to assure you that it is so "normal" and that time will sooth you eventually. you will not forget, but you may eventually feel a little better one day.

i wish that i could speed that time for you, because it goes so slowly. it took me five months to start to have more good days than bad. that may seem like an eternity, and it is, but you can do it. you had the strength to choose to make your little Nikolai's life less painful and you can have the strength to make it through this rollercoaster of grief. please be good to yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling each moment. whatever it is, it is right and will eventually be healing if you let it happen.

i hope you can find support where you are -- either a support group or counselor or good friend or family member -- and you will have support here too. without the kindness and assurance of the folks here at bb, i would have been quite lost. it helped me so just to be understood and to not be alone in this tragedy. i so wish no one ever need have this pain, but at least we can be together. keep hold of that memory of Nikolai waiving goodbye to his mom and dad. xxoom

[daddy]

Nicole, I’m so sorry for your loss. BB is a great place to let things out, ask others opinions and for support. Don’t feel that you are alone and make sure you talk when you need to and seek some counselling. It’s very hard, days are up and down, but you can be strong and overcome this difficult time, we are all here if you need us.

[Clairebear]

Oh dear Nicole,
I am truly so very sorry for your loss.....what an awful thing for you and DH to have to endure. How incredibly brave of you to have been able to do that for your son, it must have been so heartbreaking but you put his needs first and overcame your own feelings to help him.I think you are an amazing mother and father and how beautiful for him to have had that precious time with his mummy and daddy.You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I am sure your angel is watching over you every single second of every day and he will pull you through all this sadness.
God Bless,sending many hugs to you.

Claire