About nine years ago I lost a baby very early in pregnancy - it was an unexpected pregnancy in a not so good situation so I wasn't overly worried.
My husband and I have tried to have a baby in the last year, and in March I had another miscarraige early on (about 6-7 weeks). I went through the initial anger, sadness etc and thought I was okay. Except that I think I am subconsciously scared to try again.
Recently I have been talking with my husband about international adoption and going on about it - he (being the wonderful intuitive guy he is) asked me if I was keen on adoption because I was scared - I realised he was spot on. I am scared. I am scared of not getting pregnant, of getting pregnant and losing it, of getting pregnant and having a still birth - everything. Adoption I guess seemed less risky.
How do I get through these feelings? I know there are so many things out of control with pregnancy and birth, but I feel like if I lost another one I would be disappointing people - my husband, parents. I know in my mind this is not so, but its still there in my heart.
I also feel silly and a little ashamed because I lost my baby so early and so many women lose their's much later in pregnancy - surely mine isn't that much of a loss. It's all such foreign territory to me. I don't know what I should be feeling, but I don't like what I am feeling, but I don't know what to do about it.
Hi Kate
I am so very sorry to hear about your losses. No matter where you are in a pregnancy, a loss is a loss... you would have had the same dreams for your babies as I have had for all of mine.
I don't know what to say... other than the feelings you're having are perfectly normal... At times, they can feel so suffocating and overwhelming... it is those times that I have found it hard to think about TTC again.
I have had the same feelings about disappointing people too... I was worried about losing another baby, and having to put my family through everything again... I went on to have a perfectly healthy little baby after losing Noah, but the thoughts are still there every day in case DH and I decide to try for another baby.
Please, just know that you're not alone in your feelings, and that they are perfectly normal ones to have
hi kate,
i am sorry to hear about your losses, i recently had a m/c after trying for about 18 mths to conceive, i thought i was 9 wks pg, all very sad, i am going through the same thing, being scared that is, i also have conflicting feelings of guilt about my loss, as i had a d&c and it was all over so quickly and it was early in the pregnancy....
i came to this forum and found that reading other posts has helped me to feel hopefull, about ttc again.i am still not sure but maybe soon.
anyway, i do understand and i feel that these feelings are perfectly normal, i think it just takes time to work through it all and process it.
i think you have definately come to the right place, these guys have been fantastic to and for me, i hope you will feel the same.
We all feel differently after suffering losses. My second one was the worst for me - it was much hoped for but unexpected due to my age (40 at the time). I personally feel better by jumping straight back in and trying again.... it gives me hope. My third one (two weeks ago) was easier to deal with I think because at least I know it wasn't a fluke that I got pregnant - that it really is a possibility and that all I have to do is work out how to keep it next time and I am working on this with my gyno.
Just take it one day at a time and there will be a day when you decide it's time to try again.
sorry to hear of your looses i wanted to say no matter how early in pregnancy or how late the loss is still a loss like lisa said you still have your dreams for the baby and plan things etc so dont ever feel like that you shouldnt be thinking its not that much of a loss because it is it was still your baby that you had inside you and had that special bond with even if it was only for a few weeks. i think TTC again is a scarey thing i wanted to start trying as soon as possible but i had to wait 3 months for tests as my little girl that i lost at 23 wks had bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys and no bladder and they said it could be heriedtery so i will always have that fear of will it happen again next time i fall pregnant but i am still gonna take that chance as scarey as it is. but i think adpotion is a wonderful thing and i think people who do this are fantastic but if it was me and there was a chance of having my own i would choose having my own any day and i wanted to say what you are feeling is perfectly normal just give yourself time and maybe you will start to come round to the idea of TTC i hope i helped a little take care.
Kate, you should be feeling whatever you need to feel at that particular point in time. Nobody can tell you how to feel, and you really can't deny your feelings - tried that, didn't work. To go through a loss is extremely devestating - doesn't matter how long you were pregnant, it's something that can absolutely shatter your world, so don't ever think that your loss was less significant that someone else's.
I can understand the fear of trying again. My fertility specialist has insisted that I see a psychologist to deal with my anxiety and depression before he will allow us to use another embryo. May sound strange, but it's exactly what I need. Yes, I'll be very scared going into another transfer - worried it won't work, worried it will work and I'll have another miscarriage, and probably a little worried that it will work and I'll end up having a baby... I need to develop some strategies to stop those worries taking over my life when we get there.
I think I'm beginning to take over. What I'm trying to say, in my long-winded and rambling way (I really shouldn't post this early in the morning) is that it's important to talk through how you are feeling. This forum has been an amazing support for me in working through the pain of my miscarriage, and I hope you will find it just as supportive and helpful as I did.
Kate, I am so sorry for your losses It is so understandable to be scared about trying again. Your fears are so normal and what every mother to an angel baby feels when thinking about TTC again.
I don't know if there is an easy answer to how do you get through the feelings. Acknowledge your feelings, scream, cry, do whatever you need to do. All I say is how I felt. I have a dream of being a mummy to an earth baby and I will do anything to get to that dream. We have struggled for a long time to have a baby and still find it hard to see me holding my own (breathing) baby, but I take one day at a time, one week at a time and don't look any further. Find a good carer, one who understands your fears and will take every step with you.
I am absolutely terrified of losing another baby and like you disappointing the people around me. When I lost Cooper I felt like I had failed him, my husband and our families - I couldn't protect my baby like a mother should.
Don't ever feel silly or ashamed because you have had early losses. A loss of a baby at any stage is devastating. You lose all the hopes and dreams you had for that baby.
Just know that your fears are normal, normal for a grieving mother. Only you will know what you are ready, but when you are, we will all be here to help you every step of the way.
kate, i am so sorry for your losses. your feelings sound so familiar to me; i have felt them too. as lynn said above, they are so normal for a grieving parent -- no matter at what point in a pregnancy a baby is lost. you have lost your dreams for your children, and that hurts and causes pain, anger, sadness, and a host of other draining emotions. please be good to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever is going through you without judging. it is right for you. i am also terrified of the future at times, and cannot picture myself with a live baby. whether or not you try again is something you will figure out on your own, perhaps your fear is enough that it would be better to adopt a baby who needs your family's love. or perhaps you can overcome your fear and try to have your own child. either choice is positive if you are ready to make it. hugs to you. xxoom
Thanks so much for your words of love and encouragement - you are certainly treasures of life. I do feel better about where I'm at presently, and I think this will help me move through the stages to feeling ready to try again. Acceptance is definitely important - especially of feelings.
You've all helped me immensely with this.
I didn't mention that although we didn't know the gender of the baby we called it Aiden, which means little fire - I really like that. We also planted a beautiful tree in the back yard which I love caring for.
I would like to share a poem I wrote after I lost Aiden...
A whisper on the whisper of the breeze
Through my body
Changes as ancient as the sea of time
Announced your presence
Within a heartbeat
I knew you
I loved you
I dreamed forward to the day
My arms would hold you
I did not know
You could not stay
That you would slip away
Almost unnoticed
But I felt you
Dancing with my body
Taking your part
They say it’s for the best
For the best maybe
But I’ll always wonder
Wonder about you
My baby
You made me cry with your poem. Just beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss hun - you will get stronger but you will never forget. Take each day as it comes, cry when you want to it does help, i cried till i thought i had no more tears but they soon appeared again. Your anxious feelings are so so normal - be kind to yourself.
To Kate and all you other girls! My heart aches while reading this. I feel your pain as I miscarried my first baby at 13wks - our first IVF attempt. After all the years we TTC with no luck, our first ICSI baby took - but was not strong enough! No-one ever told me or explained to me and DH that this was a potential outcome and we were devestated. I developed panic attacks and anxiety because of it. The FS thought I should be pregnant around the time my 1st DD would have been born and I went along with it - but every minute of that pregnancy was anxious, and the subsequent birth - I was so affraid to let my DS out of my sight. I was in a beter frame of mind when we went on to do IVF for the 3rd time which resulted in my DD. But again not without anxieties. I had no idea about the support here - and Kate you are lucky to have it, I had sympathetic frineds - but no-one who really knew how it feels. It's true -hopes and dreams just disappear, and the scar they leave resurface (for me anyway) time and again. So I wish and pray strength for you Kate - and all you other lovely kind and supportive girls. And hope you can still dream! Oie oxox
I am (we are) lucky to have this forum. So many women have experiences like ours and it is so important to share them. I am so sad for all women who have lost a baby, but also hopeful - there has to be hope.
Does it sound strange that sometimes I feel like my baby's soul is around me, and waiting to be born? I believe that whilst Aiden couldn't be born in the body that was being made back in March, his soul is still waiting for the next opportunity - he may be born as an Aiden or a Ruby, but it will still be the same soul. So one day I will have that baby.
Kate, what you say about Aiden's soul makes a lot of sense. A lot of women's just 'know' they are pregnant, before any tests or symptoms, and when I had my most recent m/c, I could just feel that my baby was gone. I think the emotional and spiritual connection between mother and child is very strong, even before birth. So go with it and enjoy that feeling of closeness and future hope.
I had a missed miscarriage of twin babies at 10.5 weeks (they grew to 9.5 weeks). It was my first pregnancy. I believe the bond between (most) mothers and babies is incredibly strong. I 'knew' I was pregnant before I took a HPT, which was 3-4 days before my period was due. All along I 'knew' I was having a boy. After I had a big bleed at just over 6 weeks, I found out I was having twins. I only ever thought they were twin boys - no other combination even entered my mind.
Sadly, tests after my D&C showed they were twin boys. I've taken a lot of comfort in knowing that. It's also funny that like so many of us here I too have real difficulties around pregnant women and also small babies, but only baby boys. Also, a lot of people kept telling me before I got the results that "it must have been for the better" etc etc meaning that they may have had a chromosome problem, however I just felt this wasn't the case. And that was also correct - the only thing my obs can say is that there was no apparent reason for the miscarriage.
Like you Kate, I truly believe their beautiful souls are still within me, and I'm just trying now to give them another chance, maybe this time one after the other instead of as twins. It's really the only thought that keeps me going most of the time.
your poem was so beautiful it brought a tear to my eye i am glad you are finding this site helps i think it is brilliant being able to talk to people about this as i dont no anyone who has being through these experiances my sister lost a baby but delt with it very well and never really spoke much about it but it is nice to be able to open up without feeling juged or looked upon. i like the idea of having a plant or tree its a nice idea i still have my babys ashes in the living room as i dont no what to do with them but i am happy that there are with me i am just unsure what to do my DH wanted to have a plant and put the ashes there but i want them so i can have her wherever i go if that makes sence anyway sorry to ramble on take care and give yourself time to grieve.
Yep I reckon the conection between mum and Bub is amazing. I knew my first baby was a girl and after I m/c and got pregnant I couldn't bear having a girl it was just too much pain to loose her again, so I was blessed with a son. My next baby was the little princess, looking so much like my late grandmother it was uncanny - like my grandmother had blew her down in a kiss. her name is Nina - which I didn't know then but have found out recently means "choosen of God" in hebrew!
Hope you don't mind me sharing with you all here as it helps me to talk abou the hurt anger, grief, guilt and confussion about my purpose in live I've carried these last 3 yrs. Thanks and I truely hope you are blessed in whatever way OIE
Last edited by Oie; August 29th, 2007 at 05:51 PM.
: so many typos!
How should I feel?
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