Well here i am again heaps late at night and just cant sleep!!! For the past two weeks ive been up until 2-3am each day and have to get up to the kids in the morning. I feel really bad during the day cause i get no sleep. Even when i do get to sleep i have the weirdest dreams, which cause me to have bad sleep. I keep getting these anxiety attacks and find it hard to calm down. Im never like that normally. I just lose my cool easily these days and it doesnt take much for me to be pushed over the edge. Also one of my work collegues blasted me at work the other day and i started crying and i found it so hard to control my tears. Usually im like well thats your problem but that day i took it really personally. I feel like im going nuts. At uni last week i was standing at the glass panelling thinking it was the door for 5min and then it clicked that it wasnt the door at all, it was so embarrasing. I just cant think straight anymore. What can i do to feel better??
oh, Naomi. the only thing i can think of is to give yourself space to be like this for a while. i know that isn't the answer you want, and i too have begged for an easier solution to grief, but there is only time and living through it. be easy on yourself and try to accept that you are no longer who you were. i know how difficult those words are, and i wish i could give you a big hug. perhaps your co-workers understand why you are emotional, but even if they don't it is something you need to be able to do. i got a pamphlet on grieving for parents of babies, and i gave it to my boss and told him it would probably do us both good, and the business too, if he would read it. now he knows that i won't be okay for at least a year after Yeti died. recently, i even talked to him about it a little to make sure he understood that i wouldn't ever be the same person again. i didn't point blank tell him that i just don't care anymore about the business (i don't nearly as much as i used to), but i did let him know that there are just days that i will be less effective and more emotional than we'd both like. maybe you or a coworker/friend could proceed on a similar plan? the more supportive the folks around you are, the more energy you will be able to give to your needs. you are back at work and uni so quickly, i know i couldn't concentrate well for so long. i'm still less able to concentrate than i was, but once again, the "better" word pops up. i have to believe that we will both get our brains back someday.
i too had terrifying dreams about Yeti and dead children and birth for a month or two (i can look up in my journal to find out) after Yeti died. it was frightening to go to sleep. i also was not at all emotional before Yeti died, i didn't cry in front of people and just let things roll off my back. now i am the most sensitive human, you wouldn't believe what silly things hurt my feelings and then, of all things, i start to cry. it was humiliating at first, but now i know that it is what will happen and i try to accept it. some times journaling helps me; it is something i never did before, but now it helps to get the feelings out. when i am really angry, i find something i can smash and it makes me feel like i let some of the anger out. and when the tears start, i just let them go, even if i am at work and need to find a quiet corner or need to pull over the car. i also go to counseling with a lady who also lost her daughter at 2 days old, and it helps so much even just to hear that someone else once felt exactly like i do now and that now she is functional and has some joy and has never forgotten her daughter. the bb forums also help me to contact with people who truly understand. i know several ladies also have been given prescriptions to help counter the depth of the depression, so perhaps your counselor would advise you to go that route. mine has advised me to wait for a little while to see how the course of grief goes, but it is something that can help so much. i think it is good to be open minded to all sorts of ideas, and also try to accept that time will help (even though it goes so slowly now).
you are still so freshly in grief, so raw. i can tell you i feel better now than i did when i was only a few weeks after Yeti's death. i still am in more pain than i thought i could be, and i have some really bad days. but i am better for now, and i'll take that. so give yourself a big hug from me, and remember that time will soften the jagged edges of this pain. xxoom
i read your latest post and could relate to it so much i am a totally different person to what i was i was such a bubbly person and quite chilled out now i loose my temper at the most silly things and i suffer with anxity i would go to bed and then start thinking crazy thoughts like people were going to brake into my house and hurt me or my family and if i heard an aroplane i would think it was gonna crash into my house and i would wake my husband up to go and check the whole house as i was so certain i heard a noise. i really thought i was going crazy i would also be driving and then o would think i dont remember half of the journey as i was daydreaming how dangerous is that but after almost a yr i went to see a doc and i am now seeing a counsellor which is helping me so much i hated feeling the way i did i dont even like my son going out with other people cos i think what if something bad happens to him what if they lose him my counsellor said its cos i am trying to protect my son as i couldnt do that with my daughter that i lost i found out my baby had a diesse that ment she would never survive outside my whomb and if i went to full term she would probably be born alive but she would be in alot of pain and would die within minutes so i had to have a needle through my tummy into my angels heart to stop her heart and then 3 days later i had to get induced but the hardest thing for me was having that needle to stop her heart i felt like i could have stopped the docs from coming hear me i just wanted to protect her i wanted to run away and hope for a miricle so i think its having an effect now on how i am with my son but i have to really try not to be so protective but it is so hard i really do think that when you feel ready that seeing a counsellor helps but everyone is different i hope i have helped a little and i think you should let yourself greive and dont feel like you are going crazy as what you are going through is completly normal its been a yr now since i lost my angel and i still cry and get my down days. always hear if you need to talk
Well we found out what killed our DD. I had chronic villitis which is where the mother builds up antibodies to the babies DNA and then causes an infection on the placenta. Well thats what i had to research for myself. The drs havent been 100% honest and didnt even tell me about what happened. They also found that i had foetal thrombotic vasculopathy which is blood clots from the placenta that goes into the babies body. So there was lots of things going on at once. The dr told me though that this could of been prevented by antibiotics if they swabbed me earlier to detect the infection. So now im extremely angry that this happened. They kept pushing me away when i told them something was wrong. I also had a sub chorionic haemorrage at 12wks which they knew about but did nothing. I could of still had my daughter if they did their job properly!!!!!!
I am so sorry to hear that you must be feeling so sad and angry right now but dont blame yourself as you couldnt have done anything. i cant believe there could have prevented this problem from happening i cant imagine how you must be feeling. all through my pregnancy with my little girl i said to everyone something is wrong and how i felt that the pregnancy wasnt right and that i had never felt baby move and no one listened to me and then when i found out she had bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys and no bladder i was so angry and upset but the docs could have never prevented it from happening as they said (it just one of those things) which i hate those words i think its a mothers instinct we seem to no our bodys and no when somehting is wrong i just wish the docs would listen to us. my thoughts are with you and sening you lots of take care of yourself i just wanted to ask how is the anxioty going hope you are coping ok.
Its the worst feeling, knowing that something could of been done and it wasnt. I knew something was wrong with her but no one listened. My gp was so uncaring and didnt care. When i first had the sub chorionic haemorrage she said theres nothing we can do to stop it. If you are going to miscarriage then its meant to be!!!! She didnt even go and investigate why it was happening. According to the obstertrician she could of prevented it by doing a swab!!! Why wasnt it done?? I dont know why these drs have this attitude about babies under 20wks. They dont care about bubs under 20wks, they dont even try to stop things cause to them its just a foetus. I truly believe that if this same thing happened at 20wks they would of investigated cause they consider it a pg that they can save. Im so angry right now, how could of this happened to me!!!
Oh honey my heart goes out to you so much i really wish i could give you a proper cuddle if the docs had told me they could have prevented what happened to my DD then i would be so furious and upset no words could describe how you must be feeling it sounds like you need a shoulder to cry on if only they had done that swab i bet thats all you keep thinking about and thinking if they had how everything could be so different right now i really feel for you honey and i ask myself the same question why me you never think things like this happen i think i was a little nieve before i lost my DD i thought it was easy to get pregnant as i fell with my son at just 18 by accident always the way and then fell with my angel in the first month of trying and i didnt think anything like whats happened to any of us would happen to me it has really opened up my eyes to the real world and now i just think negative all the time and think bad things are gonna happen which is why my anixety can be bad at times my counsellor said its all to do with what i went through she thinks i have post traumatic stress disorder not sure if i have said that already and also i have now being trying for another baby for 10 months i never thought it would ever take this long. i think you are right about the 20wk thing they should investigate no matter what as to us motheres it is never a fetus i hate that word it is a baby from day 1 my mother in law said something that hurt so bad she said to me that it was morbid to get pics of my little girl and that she doesnt see it as a baby its just a fetus which is why i hate that word if she only new how perfect my angel looked she had 10 finger and toes and her beautiful little face she was a perfect baby i am so sorry to ramble on i hope you dont mind.
You're not rambling on at all, you are still grieving too! Ive had people say things like that about her, that shes just a foetus! I hate that word too, she was far from a foetus. She was a baby, she was our baby girl. She had everything in place as we do but she was just really tiny. I just wish people would understand how much it really hurts!
That is so right they have everything in place just alot smaller i wish people would understand aswell it really upsets me when people say it was a featus if only they saw her they would soon change there minds they were our beautiful baby girls and nothing will change that. If you dont mind me asking did you get to cuddle you little girl and did you have pictures taken and the hand and footprints? i had all of that done i just wish i had more pictures of her to remember her buy i have shown alot of people her picture as i feel proud of her i understand that some people would rather keep it to themselves but i just wanted to show people how beautiful she was if you know what i mean.
Yep i got to hold her for about an hour. We also got piccys of her and hand and foot prints. Unfortunately the photos of her didnt turn out too good so i dont show them to anyone. It really hurt me when i first got them back cause the way the photos came out it made her look weird. It wasnt the way she actually looked.
that is so nice you got to spend time with her i spent about 2 hrs with my princess and some of the photos i have are not that good either i have 1 which is beautiful i didnt take any myself the midwife took them and printed them off at the hospital and put them in a memory book for me i just wish now i had taken some myself the thing with my angel was cos she had been dead inside me for 3 days her body had filled up with fluid so it sounds awful but if you moved her, her face would slightly swich about if you know what i mean so in some of the pics they are not good as her face looks slightly funny and i tend not to show people those ones as i think it doesnt look like her. i just wish i could have her in my arms nice and healthy it is so hard at times when i say to my DH how much i miss her and he doesnt understand but i miss everything about her i miss what could have been if that makes sense. but i think as long as we no how they looked thats all that matters as we will treasure them forever.
oh, Naomi, i am so sorry that you have to live through this anger and frustration in addition to your grief of Oceana's death. i don't even know what to say i am so angry at your gp. i think you are right, many doctors don't care as much about babies who are younger in gestational age. it is so frustrating. some doctors, however, do care, and will do everything they can to help you. i hope you can find one of those in the future. you did everything you could have for your daughter, i am so sure of that. hugs to you. xxoom
I just looked at the web-site you made for your daughter and I am crying. I am so sorry for your loss. To go through what you did, I can't imagine how you must feel. Please take care. Hope you find peace for yourself and know that there are a lot of ppl thinking of you.
((((hugs))))
Naomi, just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling as I just lost my little boy @ 19 weeks only two weeks ago. People tend to think you dont feel it if you already have children, but you do. (I have two other boys 6 and 3)
I dont know what to say, just thought it might help you to know others are going thru this too. I am going to have some counselling, it won't change what happened but might help thru the greiving process. Have you thought of having counselling.
Hi Naomi
I am so sorry to hear of your baby's death
What kind of quack were you seeing the Dr needs his/her licence taken off them.
My GP was great and so understanding and lately when I ask for a blood test or U/S she sends me for one (or a referal )she is folowing my lead at the moment as my story is a rare one.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
I also am getting councelling and it is helping me, but I didn't know that the snapping at the smallest thing was part of it all.
I think im going crazy!!
For the past two weeks ive been up until 2-3am each day and have to get up to the kids in the morning. I feel really bad during the day cause i get no sleep. Even when i do get to sleep i have the weirdest dreams, which cause me to have bad sleep. I keep getting these anxiety attacks and find it hard to calm down. Im never like that normally. I just lose my cool easily these days and it doesnt take much for me to be pushed over the edge. Also one of my work collegues blasted me at work the other day and i started crying and i found it so hard to control my tears. Usually im like well thats your problem but that day i took it really personally. I feel like im going nuts. At uni last week i was standing at the glass panelling thinking it was the door for 5min and then it clicked that it wasnt the door at all, it was so embarrasing. I just cant think straight anymore. What can i do to feel better??
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to contact with people who truly understand. i know several ladies also have been given prescriptions to help counter the depth of the depression, so perhaps your counselor would advise you to go that route. mine has advised me to wait for a little while to see how the course of grief goes, but it is something that can help so much. i think it is good to be open minded to all sorts of ideas, and also try to accept that time will help (even though it goes so slowly now).
if only they had done that swab i bet thats all you keep thinking about and thinking if they had how everything could be so different right now i really feel for you honey and i ask myself the same question why me you never think things like this happen i think i was a little nieve before i lost my DD i thought it was easy to get pregnant as i fell with my son at just 18 by accident always the way and then fell with my angel in the first month of trying and i didnt think anything like whats happened to any of us would happen to me it has really opened up my eyes to the real world and now i just think negative all the time and think bad things are gonna happen which is why my anixety can be bad at times my counsellor said its all to do with what i went through she thinks i have post traumatic stress disorder not sure if i have said that already and also i have now being trying for another baby for 10 months i never thought it would ever take this long. i think you are right about the 20wk thing they should investigate no matter what as to us motheres it is never a fetus i hate that word it is a baby from day 1 my mother in law said something that hurt so bad she said to me that it was morbid to get pics of my little girl and that she doesnt see it as a baby its just a fetus which is why i hate that word if she only new how perfect my angel looked she had 10 finger and toes and her beautiful little face she was a perfect baby i am so sorry to ramble on i hope you dont mind.
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