oh, Naomi. the only thing i can think of is to give yourself space to be like this for a while. i know that isn't the answer you want, and i too have begged for an easier solution to grief, but there is only time and living through it. be easy on yourself and try to accept that you are no longer who you were. i know how difficult those words are, and i wish i could give you a big hug. perhaps your co-workers understand why you are emotional, but even if they don't it is something you need to be able to do. i got a pamphlet on grieving for parents of babies, and i gave it to my boss and told him it would probably do us both good, and the business too, if he would read it. now he knows that i won't be okay for at least a year after Yeti died. recently, i even talked to him about it a little to make sure he understood that i wouldn't ever be the same person again. i didn't point blank tell him that i just don't care anymore about the business (i don't nearly as much as i used to), but i did let him know that there are just days that i will be less effective and more emotional than we'd both like. maybe you or a coworker/friend could proceed on a similar plan? the more supportive the folks around you are, the more energy you will be able to give to your needs. you are back at work and uni so quickly, i know i couldn't concentrate well for so long. i'm still less able to concentrate than i was, but once again, the "better" word pops up. i have to believe that we will both get our brains back someday.

i too had terrifying dreams about Yeti and dead children and birth for a month or two (i can look up in my journal to find out) after Yeti died. it was frightening to go to sleep. i also was not at all emotional before Yeti died, i didn't cry in front of people and just let things roll off my back. now i am the most sensitive human, you wouldn't believe what silly things hurt my feelings and then, of all things, i start to cry. it was humiliating at first, but now i know that it is what will happen and i try to accept it. some times journaling helps me; it is something i never did before, but now it helps to get the feelings out. when i am really angry, i find something i can smash and it makes me feel like i let some of the anger out. and when the tears start, i just let them go, even if i am at work and need to find a quiet corner or need to pull over the car. i also go to counseling with a lady who also lost her daughter at 2 days old, and it helps so much even just to hear that someone else once felt exactly like i do now and that now she is functional and has some joy and has never forgotten her daughter. the bb forums also help me to contact with people who truly understand. i know several ladies also have been given prescriptions to help counter the depth of the depression, so perhaps your counselor would advise you to go that route. mine has advised me to wait for a little while to see how the course of grief goes, but it is something that can help so much. i think it is good to be open minded to all sorts of ideas, and also try to accept that time will help (even though it goes so slowly now).

you are still so freshly in grief, so raw. i can tell you i feel better now than i did when i was only a few weeks after Yeti's death. i still am in more pain than i thought i could be, and i have some really bad days. but i am better for now, and i'll take that. so give yourself a big hug from me, and remember that time will soften the jagged edges of this pain. xxoom