hi celeste,
you made me cry reading your story as your feelings are so simliar to mine. we lost our little baby jack on nov 30th (aged 17 weeks 5 days) and the night is the worst time for me. I too sneak into the toilet when my kids (aged 3 and 5) and husband are in bed and i can grieve in my own time on my own terms. My kids talk about "baby jack" quite often as they got to hold him in hospital and in a small way it is a comfort to know that he has impacted on them as much as me and my husband. I have just gone back to work this week to support my girls in a busy time of year and even today proved i am not ready to be there as I saw a newborn in my store and had to go to the toilet to have a quick cry. I feel bad when i don't cry but i feel bad when i do. its not a great moment for you now but know that there are many of us who will connect with you in some way and be thinking of you too. please take care...x