Loving my two boys but only holding one

[Lynn]

I can't stop crying - I am missing my Coopie so much and I just feel like everyone thinks that I should be ok because I now have Ethan. I am so grateful that I have Ethan given what I went through to fall pg with him and the troubles I had while carrying him but I just want Cooper too. Everything time I look at Ethan sleeping, he looks just like his big brother because Cooper will always be my sleeping baby. I struggle so much to look at sleeping babies and it makes it so much harder because Ethan and Cooper look alike. Last night Ethan wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't get him to stop and I started to get upset because I wanted Ethan to stop crying but all I have ever wanted is to hear Cooper cry. I just feel like people expect me to be ok but I'm not. I love my little man but I have two little boys that I love so much and I just wish I could hold them both.

[treelo]

Im so sorry for the loss of your Cooper. I cannot begin to understand how hard it must be to loose a child at 37 weeks. Im sorry that i dont have any answers for you but i just wanted you to know that through all the tears i have shed for my own grief today, i have shed one for you too, and i hope that you find some way to get through all your grief and that Ethan grows up to know what a special big brother he has watching over him all the time.

take care lynn
treelo

[Willow]

Lynn, I am so sorry you are still suffering with so much grief, I can only relate in a very small way having suffered an early loss, but I know for me bringing my son home kind of reminded me all over again what I'd missed out on, I can only imagine that feeling must be 100-fold for you.

I hope that it gets easier hun, I don't really know what else to say but had to say something...

[aussienic]

I have no words. just wanted to offer you a hug

[Rach75]

just wanted to offer some :hugs:

[Mel1977]

Oh Lynn - big :hugs: for you mate. Of course you are happy with Ethan and totally in love with him, but that doesnt change how you feel about Cooper - and to be perfectly honest anyone who expects that you will miss him less now because Ethan is here is just not worth worrying about. You are a mother of 2 boys, you love each no less whether they are here on earth or up there in the stars. That is something people seem to not be able to understand, just because they are not here we must not love them as much as they love their own children... well anyone who has lost a baby knows that is utter bulls***!

I wish I could say something to help you or make you feel just a tiny bit better, but unforunately I am not where you are yet. I do think on a daily basis what will it be like if Fudge comes home and to be honest I cant even imagine it. I know it will make me miss Nicholas even more and what you said about watching them sleep, I have thought a hundred times. That is the only way we saw our boys, and for Ethan to look so much like Cooper must be heartbreaking. Ethan is an absolute blessing, but I am sure he reminds you so much of the things you should have been able to experience with Cooper. And you are right, all you have ever wanted is to hear Cooper cry but that doesnt make it easy listening to Ethan cry when you are sleep deprived and emotional - you are only human afterall

I think this is the way life is after having lost a baby, the only thing I can hope is that our senses dull a little and we can learn to live life as happily as possible. Just dont let anyone tell you that you should be ok, or you should miss or love Cooper less now just because you have Ethan. And for those people who do make you feel that way I would ask them, if one of your children was taken from you would you love them less if you had another baby? Would that baby be able to replace your first born? Would that baby take away the hurt and unfairness of it all? Would it take away the memories, both good and bad? I think the answer would most definitely be NEVER!

I know I cant say too much to help, but I can tell you that not one of your friends here thinks that way and I think you have done an amazing job of being a mother for the last 2 and a bit years... and dont ever forget, being a mother to an angel baby is the hardest thing you will ever have to do and you are doing it with dignity and courage.

If you need to chat, I am here for you :hugs:

[briggsy's girl]

Lynn - Mel has said pretty much everything i was thinking - and so beautifully at that!

anyone that thinks Ethan has replaced Cooper and that you should be grateful and just get in with life - well, they're heartless and don't have a clue of what you've been through. i haven't been there, and can only imagine how you're feeling - but i would never expect you to feel less of the love and emotion you have for Cooper now that Ethan is here - they're individuals and your love for each of them is unique and precious.

don't be angry with yourself for being human! every new mum is tired and emotional, and wants for their baby to be settled and happy - and hearing them cry is heart wrenching (and frustrating) - that doesn't change because you've wanted every day to have heard Coopers cries. your journey to holding Ethan in your arms has been long and traumatic - but he's still a newborn baby and you have the same trials as any new mum! of course you are happy to have Ethan at home with you - but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel the same frustrations as any other new mum! people have to accept and embrace that. you will never forget Cooper. you will never love him, or grieve his loss, any less simply because you have Ethan. you are his mummy and people (whoever they may be) need to accept and support that.

i wish i could offer you a way to put your heart at peace, but i don't have the power to do that - only time, and your own healing, will do that for you - and it WILL take time. my heart goes out to you hunny

:hugs:

BG

[Rowie]

Oh Lynn, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult emotional time at the moment. Remember your emotions are high at the moment, your hormones are racing and you are sleep deprived.
You did not have Ethan to replace Cooper, Cooper is your son too. You love him just as much as Ethan so please don't be too hard on yourself. You will always miss Cooper and I think you are always going to have moments where you see Cooper in Ethan and miss him more. It's not about getting on with life, it is about dealing with the cards we have been dealt and coping as best we can.
You are an amazing woman, admired by many here for the way you are coping and have coped over the last 2 and a half years. You are a wonderful mother who is doing the best that she can in a very difficult situation.
You are a true inspiration to me and I thank you for being here to help me through my tough times and to the many others that hear you.
take care of you and I am always here if you need me.

[Lynn]

Thank you so much everyone - your words and hugs mean so much.

Mel - you always seem to have the right thing to say to me and I thank you for that. I think being able to learn to live life as happily as possible is a tough one. I am trying to and on the outside there are smiles but deep down are just tears. I am trying to make this situation as happy as possible but I just wish that people would understand that my life is not perfect all of a sudden. I realised that I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. Everything that Ethan gets to do Cooper won't. I think your questions are so true - I always wonder how others would handle the situation - maybe next time I get a cooment I will ask some of those questions. Thanks Mel :hugs: not just for your post but for everything.

BG - That is how I feel, like I am not allowed to feel like a new mum (to a living child), I'm not allowed to coment on anything, that I should be happy and just appreciate what I have. Well I do appreciate Ethan so much but like you said I will never love Cooper any less. Thank you

Rowie - Thank you for your understanding. Thank you so much for your kind words - they mean so much

[Auntie M]

oh Lynn, i am sending the biggest of hugs to you. i have nothing to offer that is different from these other wise and supportive ladies, but i have to say something. you are so right to feel your joy for Ethan and your grief for Cooper -- they are both your sons and you love them both equally, like any mother. i think of our pain as an amputation -- we will learn to live without that limb, but we will never replace it or stop grieving its loss. we won't stop the grief, but maybe someday it won't be the largest part of us. we can look forward to that time, but must get through the emotions of today first.

as to what others think or say or judge -- well, they haven't been where you are, so they don't have any basis for an opinion. you can either let it slide, knowing they know not what they do, or you can let them have it. if they have a child, ask them how long it would take for them to forget that child. or how quickly their mother should forget them if they were to die. if they are honest, they will know the answer is never.

in a way, it sounds like your grief for Cooper has reached a new, painful place. you get to be viscerally reminded of exactly what you missed out on with him each time you interact with Ethan. i don't know, having not reached that point (i can hope, hope, hope), but it seems that it is yet another trial of grief for you to learn to live with. i know you can do it, because i have seen a part of your journey and have been impressed with your courage and honesty in facing the pain of grief and worry. you have been and are an inspiration to me.

as to getting to be a "normal" mom and have yucky days and sleepless nights and being tired and cranky and just wanting 2 minutes of peace and quiet -- you are more entitled to those feelings than any other mom. you live in two places, learning to be a mom to a live son and an angel son. your heart is not able to stay in one place, nor is your energy. you let it out, girl, and anyone who doesn't understand -- like Mel said, scr#w 'em. and if they are a parent, ask them if they didn't ever just wish for a tiny bit of peace in their day. you deserve the same consideration -- wishing for peace from Ethan is not the same as not being grateful for his being alive. not even close. big hugs, Lynn, and know that there are many here who are sending you the best of hopes and hugs when the hopes don't pan out.

[Lynn]

Thank you M You are right my grief for Cooper is in a new place, I am just struggling with it at the moment but with all the support I get from you beautiful girls I will get there, step by step.