Well, I joined this site a week or so ago, but I am just now posting my story. I have found comfort in what many of you have written or responded to others, so I am hoping for some more encouragment and comfort from my own story, so, here it goes.

The middle of January, I found out that I was pregnant. I tried not to get too excited at this time, I had some pretty bad cramping on the right side, and I was under a lot of stress. My grandparents raised me, and Jan 2nd of 2006 my grandma passed away, and January 4th of this year my papaw was walked in to the hospital only to find out a week or so later that he had advanced stages of lung cancer, and would not walk out. There were no signs of this before he was admitted, only some minor heart problems. He was only 67.
The day I found out I was pg was the day before he came home from the hospital with Hospice. In my mind, there was no way that I would be able to carry this baby with all this going on. But, I found the strenght, and the courage to relax. My grandpa passed on Feb 4th, and I had a horrible time with it, but still I thought I was ok, I was being strong for my baby.
By the time I was 12 weeks pg, I had already had 4 ultrasounds, not by my choice, but by the doctor and then the midwife. At 8 weeks, we heard the babies heart beat. At 12 weeks, I went to the midwife alone, my then fiance had a very busy schedule. Plus, she was only suppose to be using the heart monitor thing. She did an ultrasound because she couldn't find the heart beat. I was so scared. She found it though. She said it was a little weak, and I was carring low, but everything seemed to be fine. At this appointment, I saw my baby moving, he was putting his hand towards his mouth, almost like sucking his fingers. I decided to tell my family after this appointment, as I was told the risk of miscarriage was very slim at this point. Oh I wish my husband would have been with me at this appointment. He never got to see the baby move, the was the first and last time that I did either. He may have asked to speak to a doctor at this point too, he is more inquisitive than I am.
On April 12th, we were married, alone, just the 2 of us. We had a wonderful time, and I felt pregnant the entire time I was gone. I was hungry, a little sick, but not much. They said you get better during your second trimester, so I thought what I was feeling, or not feeling, was normal.
We had a doctors appointment on April 22nd, at 17 weeks and 5 days (we were gone at the time I was suppose to have my 16 week appointment). We were hoping they would do another ultrasound and tell us the sex. Unfortunatly, that wasn't the case. She could not find the heart beat with the heart beat thing, so she got the us. She showed us the head, and the spine, maybe even the fingers. Then she said something to the effect of let me try something else. She walked out of the room and back in with another man. He moved the us around my belly. There was no heartbeat He said there's no heartbeat, she will tell you your options, and walked out. Before he walked out, probably before he said the words, I was already hysterical. My husband was a little oblivous, or in deniel or something. He rushed to my side and comforted me.
The midwife tried to talk to us, but there was no use. My husband took me home, and I cried all night. He called the midwife back to make arrangements.
I had to go in the very next day to have my cervix softened. I was admitted to the hospital on April 24th to be induced. Fortunatly, I took the medication well, and I had delivered within an hour, and the placenta within 2. I did not have to have a D&C or anything else, and was released that night.
They took a lot of blood, and decided to do lots of testing on me, the placenta, and the baby. The baby died sometime after my 12 week appointment, it could have been a day, or a few weeks, they don't know. What they do know if that I had a placenta infarction, which means, in my case, half of my placenta died and became scar tissue, just like a heart attack. The could not tell me if my baby was a boy, or a girl. I have not named my baby, although I would like to call him something besides my baby. I am having a hard time getting my husband to talk about that with me.
Our baby was so tiny. The nurses were wonderful. Except the one that was with us from 7am-our release had to tell us our options for "disposal" which included being incenerated with the rest of the hospital waste. I just couldn't do that! So she gave us a list of funeral homes and my husband made arrangements to have our baby cremated.
Which leads us to this week. I went back to work yesterday, and when I came home, he handed me the remains. The emotions started flowing again, and, even on sleeping pills, I got no sleep last night. I am not sure what to do with the remains, and I wanted him to help me figure something out. Unfortunatly within mins of him handing me the tiny little bag, both of his brothers showed up. Then, tonight, a friend. I guess he is just not feeling the way that I am feeling, but that bothers me. It was his baby too. I know he cares, it is just different. I am not sure how to react to that.
This was my first baby, our first baby, I gave birth, and was not able to bring my baby home. I have been devasted, not wanting to be around people, he wants to be around people. I don't want to make him as upset as me, but I want the people to leave. I want my baby, I want that feeling of being a mommy, and I don't think he understands.
I just am so confused and I don't know what to do.