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Thread: My silent miscarrige

  1. #1
    mandyr Guest

    Default My silent miscarrige

    Well, I joined this site a week or so ago, but I am just now posting my story. I have found comfort in what many of you have written or responded to others, so I am hoping for some more encouragment and comfort from my own story, so, here it goes.



    The middle of January, I found out that I was pregnant. I tried not to get too excited at this time, I had some pretty bad cramping on the right side, and I was under a lot of stress. My grandparents raised me, and Jan 2nd of 2006 my grandma passed away, and January 4th of this year my papaw was walked in to the hospital only to find out a week or so later that he had advanced stages of lung cancer, and would not walk out. There were no signs of this before he was admitted, only some minor heart problems. He was only 67.
    The day I found out I was pg was the day before he came home from the hospital with Hospice. In my mind, there was no way that I would be able to carry this baby with all this going on. But, I found the strenght, and the courage to relax. My grandpa passed on Feb 4th, and I had a horrible time with it, but still I thought I was ok, I was being strong for my baby.
    By the time I was 12 weeks pg, I had already had 4 ultrasounds, not by my choice, but by the doctor and then the midwife. At 8 weeks, we heard the babies heart beat. At 12 weeks, I went to the midwife alone, my then fiance had a very busy schedule. Plus, she was only suppose to be using the heart monitor thing. She did an ultrasound because she couldn't find the heart beat. I was so scared. She found it though. She said it was a little weak, and I was carring low, but everything seemed to be fine. At this appointment, I saw my baby moving, he was putting his hand towards his mouth, almost like sucking his fingers. I decided to tell my family after this appointment, as I was told the risk of miscarriage was very slim at this point. Oh I wish my husband would have been with me at this appointment. He never got to see the baby move, the was the first and last time that I did either. He may have asked to speak to a doctor at this point too, he is more inquisitive than I am.
    On April 12th, we were married, alone, just the 2 of us. We had a wonderful time, and I felt pregnant the entire time I was gone. I was hungry, a little sick, but not much. They said you get better during your second trimester, so I thought what I was feeling, or not feeling, was normal.
    We had a doctors appointment on April 22nd, at 17 weeks and 5 days (we were gone at the time I was suppose to have my 16 week appointment). We were hoping they would do another ultrasound and tell us the sex. Unfortunatly, that wasn't the case. She could not find the heart beat with the heart beat thing, so she got the us. She showed us the head, and the spine, maybe even the fingers. Then she said something to the effect of let me try something else. She walked out of the room and back in with another man. He moved the us around my belly. There was no heartbeat He said there's no heartbeat, she will tell you your options, and walked out. Before he walked out, probably before he said the words, I was already hysterical. My husband was a little oblivous, or in deniel or something. He rushed to my side and comforted me.
    The midwife tried to talk to us, but there was no use. My husband took me home, and I cried all night. He called the midwife back to make arrangements.
    I had to go in the very next day to have my cervix softened. I was admitted to the hospital on April 24th to be induced. Fortunatly, I took the medication well, and I had delivered within an hour, and the placenta within 2. I did not have to have a D&C or anything else, and was released that night.
    They took a lot of blood, and decided to do lots of testing on me, the placenta, and the baby. The baby died sometime after my 12 week appointment, it could have been a day, or a few weeks, they don't know. What they do know if that I had a placenta infarction, which means, in my case, half of my placenta died and became scar tissue, just like a heart attack. The could not tell me if my baby was a boy, or a girl. I have not named my baby, although I would like to call him something besides my baby. I am having a hard time getting my husband to talk about that with me.
    Our baby was so tiny. The nurses were wonderful. Except the one that was with us from 7am-our release had to tell us our options for "disposal" which included being incenerated with the rest of the hospital waste. I just couldn't do that! So she gave us a list of funeral homes and my husband made arrangements to have our baby cremated.
    Which leads us to this week. I went back to work yesterday, and when I came home, he handed me the remains. The emotions started flowing again, and, even on sleeping pills, I got no sleep last night. I am not sure what to do with the remains, and I wanted him to help me figure something out. Unfortunatly within mins of him handing me the tiny little bag, both of his brothers showed up. Then, tonight, a friend. I guess he is just not feeling the way that I am feeling, but that bothers me. It was his baby too. I know he cares, it is just different. I am not sure how to react to that.
    This was my first baby, our first baby, I gave birth, and was not able to bring my baby home. I have been devasted, not wanting to be around people, he wants to be around people. I don't want to make him as upset as me, but I want the people to leave. I want my baby, I want that feeling of being a mommy, and I don't think he understands.
    I just am so confused and I don't know what to do.

  2. #2

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    Oh Mandy my heart breaks for you reading your story.
    Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I hope you find many words of comfort from ladies here that have been where you stand today.
    Please take care of yourself, I will be thinking of you and your gorgeous baby

  3. #3

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    Men and women grieve differently. For him it may be a case of keep busy to stop the thoughts and the pain. For you, you want to feel the pain and experience the grief that surrounds the loss of your baby. My DH and I had very different ways of dealing with the loss of our daughter. It was only through the advice of a friend who had lost twins herself did I understand that he needed to grieve in his own way and it didn't mean he didn't care or wasn't in pain himself.

    Grieve however you need to. No one way is right or wrong. I have my daughter's ashes on our sideboard. She will always be with us. Take care of yourself

  4. #4

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    Sending you loving thoughts...

    I agree with Michelle. Men and women do grieve differently - we ALL grieve differently and how we grieve from day to day is different.
    My husband showed very little emotion, for me some days I was okay and others I was a mess.

    For some it can be helpful to do something in memory of your little one. I planted a rose bush for each of my babies. I did it alone and I cried so loud and hard. When those bushes bloom I always think of my babies...

    Your baby will forever be with you... Much love to you..

  5. #5

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    Dear Mandy, I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out. Although I haven't been through what you have exactly I have lost twins and had the same situation with my husband. I didn't want to upset him but I wanted/needed some sort of reaction to the loss but I didn't get it. I would sob in the shower and come out with a smile, I hid it all. What I didn't realise then was that I had every right to greive in any way I wanted. I hid it all, the only outward sign I made was planting a rose for them in between my (placenta) roses that I planted for my other two children, but even that took a couple of years to happen, it's almost like I sneacked it into the garden. About six years after loosing them I went to a physhic and she told me that I had lost twins when I said yes she said they were wee boys and gave me two names that their carers on the other side called them by. I was hesitant to mention it to my husband but I did and he broke down crying. So you see that although they may not show it and feel they have to be strong for us they do feel it. They are just better at hiding it than we are and we were they ones that carried them which when you think about it there is NO WAY they will ever know that connection so we can't really expect them to feel it as deeply as we do. Now I have two candles sitting on the mantle in the lounge that we light on special days and cherubs around the twins rose in the garden, we put the twins roses inside when they bloom and my children know about them, and we can talk about them so they are still apart of our lives. I am going to get a tattoo in memory of them once I work out a design.
    Please just allow yourself to grieve and dont give yourself a time limit, it takes time, letters like your take me back there again and I feel it as strongly as ever but I allow myself to feel now.
    Please know that you are not alone, and that hubby is just dealing with it in the only way he knows.
    Take care of yourself, Missy

  6. #6

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    Mandy,

    Our first child was stillborn on 24 April too at 22 weeks. I consider myself lucky in a way that we were able to see him and know the sex, it must make it harder not to know. Are you sure they can't test to find out the sex? I know they can in an amnio...

    I can back up what the other ladies have said in that everyone grieves differently, especially a mother and father. I know for my husband he feels the need to be strong for me and support me before he considers his own feelings. He also has to channel his energies into something, so has been madly working around the house and in the garden, while I languish on the couch. He told me these things in a counselling session with SIDS and Kids. Perhaps getting in touch with a support organisation might help you with these issues.

    I found this article on men and pregnancy loss
    Men and emotions


    By and large, men have been conditioned not to express their emotions. From an early age the male child has been encouraged to “cap” his more sensitive emotions and therefore his pain has tended to be trivialised. One only has to witness the ridicule in the schoolyard that may greet tears from a punch, kick or rejection. A “competitive and aggressive nature is encouraged and accepted but sensitive behaviour is suspect” (Scully, 1985, p.99).

    When a man experiences emotional distress he may automatically reinforce these discounting messages, denying his pain and isolating himself. This may indicate to others that he is coping well, is strong or in many instances may signal to his partner that he is unaffected by the loss or doesn’t care.

    For some men it is very difficult to express sadness openly and permit themselves a period of mourning. So, often the man flings himself into his work as a means of avoiding his pain and frustration. For many men the impact of a miscarriage is less intense than that experienced by their partner. This may be particularly so when the loss occurs early in the pregnancy. The loss is often expressed as a “sad event” rather than a death. Others, however, do feel a deep sense of grief.

    The father may experience an uncertainty about what to do and say in the face of his partner’s pain - particularly in the case of miscarriage. Powerlessness and helplessness are common features of this type of loss and very often the man may experience guilt.

    This conflict arises from his self-image as a provider and protector in his relationship with his partner. A sense of failure may lead the male into isolation in his grief. He may feel he has to be the strong one who props up his partner. Rather than acknowledging his pain he may avoid it, deny it or block it, moving into a more withdrawn state which may be interpreted as insensitive.


    Case 1: Paul


    “Paul”, supporting his wife through a miscarriage, told me of his inadequacy in the situation - not knowing what to say or do to alleviate his wife’s distress. He tended to assume blame for the miscarriage saying, “I don’t ever want to put her through this again”. He and his wife had been trying to become pregnant for a year. It was evident that for Paul there was the underlying fear that a subsequent pregnancy could also fail.

    On the other hand, anger may replace initial feelings of disbelief and numbness. “Why me?” is a common reaction and at times these angry feelings may be displaced onto those closest to us - namely partner or spouse.

    According to physicians, men have a tendency to blame their spouses or themselves for something they may have done, or conversely not done, during the pregnancy (Izer, O’Brien, 1980). For instance, the man may take on the responsibility for the miscarriage if it was preceded by sexual intercourse. Also the male may feel his virility and masculinity may be in question in what he sees as his inability to produce a live child (Speck, 1978). These reactions are not only confined to loss in miscarriage but also abortion.


    Case 2: David and Julie


    RECENT ABORTION

    When “David” and “Julie” came in for counselling following an abortion, both stated that they didn’t blame the other. However, as counselling progressed they came to recognize that in fact that was exactly how each of them felt.

    Their abortion decision had been based on a crisis in their financial situation and the fact that David was temporarily unemployed. Not long after the abortion he began working again. He realised they would have managed but buried his guilt and anguish.

    Julie felt the decision had been left up to her when David told her he would support her in whatever she decided to do about the pregnancy. This she interpreted as him placing all the responsibility on to her, and his lack of communication after the abortion she saw as disinterest and insensitivity. The more upset Julie became the more David withdrew into himself - her crying led to a heightened sense of guilt and inadequacy. He felt he was to blame for her pain and instead of sharing this with her, communication became strained.

    David was initially able to express his bottled-up feelings with one of our counsellors and then with Julie. This led to a deepening of their relationship once communication was re-established and each was able to freely share their pain with the other. Julie acknowledged that she had wanted David to show her that he too was affected by the decision to have an abortion.



    Case 3: Diane and Nick


    ABORTION 10 YEARS AGO

    Commonly the grief associated with an abortion decision may be unresolved for many years. Following publicity for one of our regular ecumenical services for pregnancy loss, a woman who was married with 3 children contacted me. “Diane” and her husband “Nick” had a crisis pregnancy while both were at university. At the time they felt their only option was abortion. Now, some 10 years later, they both still grieved for their first child. Fortunately for them they were able to grieve together and share their pain during that time. Many relationships we have found to disintegrate because of a lack of communication and a growing estrangement. This couple was able to gain considerable comfort from our Remembrance Service for Pregnancy Loss and Nick confided that he felt more at peace. For years he had blamed himself for not finding a way to somehow enable them to go through with the pregnancy at the time.


    Case 4: Tony


    ABORTION - 16 YEARS AGO

    At another one of our Remembrance Services I met “Tony”, 33, who drifted into the church after calling to see the minister on the off chance that he would be free. He decided to stay for the service and later told me how he had finally been able to acknowledge the child he had lost through abortion when he and his girlfriend at the time were both 17. During the ensuing 16 years he had at times been troubled by the memory. That evening he found a great release in being able to think and talk about the child and speculate on what might have been.


    Case 5: Andrew



    SEPARATED FROM CHILD

    For “Andrew”, 22 and at university, the grief experience was a little different, but a significant loss none-the-less. When his girlfriend became pregnant, his first reaction was to insist on an abortion because of his need to finish his course and find employment before supporting a wife and family. “Jane” insisted on going ahead with the pregnancy. The relationship broke down and they separated. Several months after his son was born, “Andrew” saw him for the first time. He became enchanted by the robust blonde-haired baby. Sadly for “Andrew”, “Jane” went her own way, cutting off all contact.

    “Andrew” came to Open Doors to work through his guilt associated with his initial insistence on the abortion and also the enormous pain of losing contact with his son. His loss was two-fold - his son and the relationship with his girlfriend whom he had originally planned to marry.

    “Andrew’s” case tends to draw our attention to the difference there may be between the mother and the father in the investment in the unborn child. This may be so in the case of all types of pregnancy loss.

    The bonding process may differ greatly. For the mother, it usually occurs early in pregnancy and is reinforced by the bodily changes (Lieter, 1986). For the father the pregnancy may be a little unreal until more tangible evidence is visible such as the woman’s changing shape, or when the baby’s movements are able to be readily felt by him.


    Grief overlooked


    ^TOP


    What we are witnessing in our Pregnancy Loss Counselling Service is the impact that pregnancy loss has on many men. It is important to recognize that such a loss may evoke a strong emotional response in the male, eliciting sadness, anger, frustration, confusion and other unpleasant emotions. It is normal for a man to experience a grief reaction, however he may be overlooked or neglected in his loss and find it difficult to access support. He may find himself cocooned in loneliness, pain and sadness.

    It is important that the male finds an outlet for his grief - talking about the experience helps make it seem more real and provides a release from the anguish, fear, anger and the disappointment that is often involved in pregnancy loss (Borg, Lasker, 1981). Ventilation is a necessary part of healing. Tears are healing also. There is nothing unmasculine about seeking help to grieve. It takes time and is a painful process, but it can lead to resolution of inner conflicts, a greater self-awareness and more fulfilling relationships.
    have a read and see if you can get DH to read (that's my intention when the time is right!), it may help.

    Each of you will need different things, and talking about it may help you come to a place where you're both grieving the way you need to.

    Good luck, you're certainly not unique or alone in this journey,

    Rozzie
    Last edited by Phteven; May 7th, 2008 at 02:46 PM. Reason: removing link -pls see forum guidelines

  7. #7

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    Mandy, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that it may not seem like it now, but the pain will get easier over time. I have found that with my first loss back in 2001. I was 16weeks, and the day that I had found out I was expecting my little angel, I had found out a dear friend had committed suicide. Not long after I lost my job, as they wanted me to work fulltime and as I was pregnant I did not want to do that, I wanted to stay PT. When they found out I was pg, I guess that was that. The stress seemed to be never ending. I had then a falling out with a friend, who somehow managed to have my DH convinced that this falling out was my fault. I had really felt that this friend was also trying to break my DH and I up, so she could possibly have him for herself, as she was lonely. My DH had not spoken to me for approx a week before I lost my baby at 16weeks. I really believe that my so called friend played a huge roll in how he was feeling. Yet I still have no answers as to why he treated me the way he did. For the last week of my pg, I had cried every day, and night trying to understand what was happening, until I started spotting. The day I had started spotting I had called the hospital who had advised I stay at home. They didnt want me to see my GP either. That night my waters broke. The hospital we were going thru, told my DH that they couldnt help me and to send me to a different hospital. By the time we got to the hospital I had haemorraged. I believe it was then that my DH had woke upto himself and realised that not only has he lost a baby but he could lose me too. I never got to know what my baby's sex was, but believe in my heart it was a girl. I was in hospital for around 4-5days after having to have a Blood transfusion as well. I cried the whole time at hospital and even when I arrived home for a long time. My DH and I feel pg again 2months later and this time with twins, which I had again m/c but at 12weeks. I felt some peace while pg the second time, felt as tho I could smile again, but then this loss put me in a deeper depression. My DH would see me crying and feel helpless. Yet with both of these losses, he seemed to be the one that had to be the strong one, as I was definately not the strong one at the time. Also he didnt have as much of a connection with the babies as what I did, considering I was the one carrying them, and I was the one going thru the losses IYKWIM. I had even told my DH at one point that I felt as tho I didnt want to live anymore as the pain was to unbearable. Looking back at this, it must have been a horrible thing for him to hear. We eventually fell pg again approx 6mths later as I had to give it some time after the second m/c as my rubella immunity wasnt there anymore, so needed to have another rubella shot. When I fell pg again I did not want to go thru another m/c for the hospital to see what was going wrong, so went to see a specialist OB, and after hearing my story advised me that I should start taking aspirin. ( A special dose for pg women, yet should only be taken if advised to by the DR) Anyway I ended up with a beautiful baby girl, and not long after that fell pg again taking baby aspirin again and had another baby girl 13mths to the day of my first DD. ( I had 2 DS's before my m/c's) I honestly never thought that I would get to a stage of my life that I would be happy again, but it happened as it will for you. It just really takes time. What helped me thru my losses was not giving up on having my baby. Last year as I still feel like something is missing we started to TTC again. I ended up m/c in June at 5weeks and then in Decmeber at 5weeks. Yet I found out I was expecting again in February. I am now 16weeks tomorrow. It has been a stressful pg to date, with spotting, my DD coming down with slapped cheek, in turn me having to be tested for that. Then finding out that it definately loks like I may have a blood clotting disorder of some type, which is why I must take the aspirin. One thing that at least I have an answer to. Yet as all the tests have come back normal due to the hormone levels, all the blood clotting tests must be redone after i have this baby (3mths after), when all the hormones are no longer in my system. Then when I hit 12weeks having to have a NT scan that turned out that my baby had a high risk of Down Syndrome, 1 in 28chance. I then had to have a CVS done so that they can test a sample of the placenta to check for sure. Thankfully my baby had the all clear, yet the CVS also carries a risk of m/c. The stress just never seems to end. Yet now I am at the stage where I had my first m/c. 16weeks. Which I am praying that my baby girl and I can make it past this what seems to be my last hurdle, and that I get to meet my DD in October.
    I would like you to keep hope and comfort that your baby is with you and will always be in your heart,as my angels are. As a tribute to my angels when I had lost them I had written them a little letter, on how I felt about them, what they meant to me and will always mean to me, which I keep in a special box for keepsake, as well as baby bracelets that I bought them after our loss. I also chose a song for them, which at the time of my loss, I heard a lovely song by Enya, which I had thought was perfect for them. I bought the album which now I have 2 albums of hers which I like to listen to to feel close to my angels. I now have confort too in the fact that they now have my dad with them which gives me confort knowing that they are not alone.
    I know my story was a long one, but I also wanted to bring hope to you in this time of sadness, that you will have another baby when the time is right, but you must not give up. Take time to grieve and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. I used to shut so many people out, I would hide myself in the house and lock all doors and stay in the darkness. I wouldnt even answer the phone. I just wanted to be left alone. Yet I also didnt want anyone telling me that my angels just werent meant to be, and to be grateful that I have my DS's. I didnt want anyone telling me that I shouldnt be feeling the way I did, as I didnt carry the baby to full term. The fact was that these babies meant the world to me, and that the pain of their loss was real. All my hopes and dreams for them seemed dashed in a matter of a second. Thankfully I was lucky to have a councellor from the hospital contact me regularly who would listen to me and not pass judgement on how I was feeling. I really hope that you have someone like that you can talk to.
    Just know sweety, that there are many of us who have been thru some kind of loss here in BB, who understand how you are feeling and are here to help you thru this time.

    Lots of hugs.

    Cheryl

  8. #8

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    I am so sorry to hear about your loss Take Care of yourself

  9. #9

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    Hi Mandy, just want to see how you are going. I hope you are doing and coping as well as can be expected.

  10. #10
    mandyr Guest

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    Thanks eveyone for all your responses. I was doing well until today. A friend from work brought her baby in for the first time, she was born 4/27. I thought I was ready for it, so when I saw her in the hallway, I wanted to see the baby. I broke down I felt so bad! I didn't mean to, it was just so hard. She was so cute though

  11. #11

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    Sending loads of Dont be too hard on yourself sweety it was such a natural response.

  12. #12

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    Mandy honey, don't feel bad for getting upset. Any response you feel is natural and people should respect that.

    I even cried 4 times during one episode of "Scrubs" a couple of nights ago. It's my favorite comedy show so I never would have thought it could set me off, but it happened to be an episode with pregnancies and babies! I can't say I didn't feel a little silly, but at the same time I knew it was just because I couldn't stop thinking about the little baby that should still be in my tummy.

    Take care and I hope you are doing ok...

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