Mandy, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that it may not seem like it now, but the pain will get easier over time. I have found that with my first loss back in 2001. I was 16weeks, and the day that I had found out I was expecting my little angel, I had found out a dear friend had committed suicide. Not long after I lost my job, as they wanted me to work fulltime and as I was pregnant I did not want to do that, I wanted to stay PT. When they found out I was pg, I guess that was that. The stress seemed to be never ending. I had then a falling out with a friend, who somehow managed to have my DH convinced that this falling out was my fault. I had really felt that this friend was also trying to break my DH and I up, so she could possibly have him for herself, as she was lonely. My DH had not spoken to me for approx a week before I lost my baby at 16weeks. I really believe that my so called friend played a huge roll in how he was feeling. Yet I still have no answers as to why he treated me the way he did. For the last week of my pg, I had cried every day, and night trying to understand what was happening, until I started spotting. The day I had started spotting I had called the hospital who had advised I stay at home. They didnt want me to see my GP either. That night my waters broke. The hospital we were going thru, told my DH that they couldnt help me and to send me to a different hospital. By the time we got to the hospital I had haemorraged. I believe it was then that my DH had woke upto himself and realised that not only has he lost a baby but he could lose me too. I never got to know what my baby's sex was, but believe in my heart it was a girl. I was in hospital for around 4-5days after having to have a Blood transfusion as well. I cried the whole time at hospital and even when I arrived home for a long time. My DH and I feel pg again 2months later and this time with twins, which I had again m/c but at 12weeks. I felt some peace while pg the second time, felt as tho I could smile again, but then this loss put me in a deeper depression. My DH would see me crying and feel helpless. Yet with both of these losses, he seemed to be the one that had to be the strong one, as I was definately not the strong one at the time. Also he didnt have as much of a connection with the babies as what I did, considering I was the one carrying them, and I was the one going thru the losses IYKWIM. I had even told my DH at one point that I felt as tho I didnt want to live anymore as the pain was to unbearable. Looking back at this, it must have been a horrible thing for him to hear. We eventually fell pg again approx 6mths later as I had to give it some time after the second m/c as my rubella immunity wasnt there anymore, so needed to have another rubella shot. When I fell pg again I did not want to go thru another m/c for the hospital to see what was going wrong, so went to see a specialist OB, and after hearing my story advised me that I should start taking aspirin. ( A special dose for pg women, yet should only be taken if advised to by the DR) Anyway I ended up with a beautiful baby girl, and not long after that fell pg again taking baby aspirin again and had another baby girl 13mths to the day of my first DD. ( I had 2 DS's before my m/c's) I honestly never thought that I would get to a stage of my life that I would be happy again, but it happened as it will for you. It just really takes time. What helped me thru my losses was not giving up on having my baby. Last year as I still feel like something is missing we started to TTC again. I ended up m/c in June at 5weeks and then in Decmeber at 5weeks. Yet I found out I was expecting again in February. I am now 16weeks tomorrow. It has been a stressful pg to date, with spotting, my DD coming down with slapped cheek, in turn me having to be tested for that. Then finding out that it definately loks like I may have a blood clotting disorder of some type, which is why I must take the aspirin. One thing that at least I have an answer to. Yet as all the tests have come back normal due to the hormone levels, all the blood clotting tests must be redone after i have this baby (3mths after), when all the hormones are no longer in my system. Then when I hit 12weeks having to have a NT scan that turned out that my baby had a high risk of Down Syndrome, 1 in 28chance. I then had to have a CVS done so that they can test a sample of the placenta to check for sure. Thankfully my baby had the all clear, yet the CVS also carries a risk of m/c. The stress just never seems to end. Yet now I am at the stage where I had my first m/c. 16weeks. Which I am praying that my baby girl and I can make it past this what seems to be my last hurdle, and that I get to meet my DD in October.
I would like you to keep hope and comfort that your baby is with you and will always be in your heart,as my angels are. As a tribute to my angels when I had lost them I had written them a little letter, on how I felt about them, what they meant to me and will always mean to me, which I keep in a special box for keepsake, as well as baby bracelets that I bought them after our loss. I also chose a song for them, which at the time of my loss, I heard a lovely song by Enya, which I had thought was perfect for them. I bought the album which now I have 2 albums of hers which I like to listen to to feel close to my angels. I now have confort too in the fact that they now have my dad with them which gives me confort knowing that they are not alone.
I know my story was a long one, but I also wanted to bring hope to you in this time of sadness, that you will have another baby when the time is right, but you must not give up. Take time to grieve and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. I used to shut so many people out, I would hide myself in the house and lock all doors and stay in the darkness. I wouldnt even answer the phone. I just wanted to be left alone. Yet I also didnt want anyone telling me that my angels just werent meant to be, and to be grateful that I have my DS's. I didnt want anyone telling me that I shouldnt be feeling the way I did, as I didnt carry the baby to full term. The fact was that these babies meant the world to me, and that the pain of their loss was real. All my hopes and dreams for them seemed dashed in a matter of a second. Thankfully I was lucky to have a councellor from the hospital contact me regularly who would listen to me and not pass judgement on how I was feeling. I really hope that you have someone like that you can talk to.
Just know sweety, that there are many of us who have been thru some kind of loss here in BB, who understand how you are feeling and are here to help you thru this time.

Lots of hugs.

Cheryl