My Story

[natters]

Hello everyone. I just wanted to share my story in the hopes that it will help me cope with everything.

I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of December. My husband and I were not ttc but were excited none the less as we just purchased our first house and were preparing to start a family in the near future.

On December 19th I started having severe pelvic pain. I could hardly walk. By December 20th I couldn't walk at all. My DH took me to the ER where we discovered that I had two large cysts growing - the one on my right ovary was the 10cm and the one on my left ovary was 6 cm. Because they were beginning to twist the ob/gyn admitted me for emergency surgery as if they continued to twist my ability to conceive again would likely be affected.

I underwent the surgery (laparotomy) and the next day (Friday) they encouraged me to do some walking. I did this and Saturday morning I started to bleed. I passed a clot and the nurses called my ob/gyn in to look at it. He said that it was just blood and that I should remain on bed rest. I only passed small amounts of blood after this and so was sent home the next day (Sunday the 23rd).

I spent 1/2 of Sunday at home in bed as well as 1/2 of Monday - Christmas eve. I was feeling particularly good Monday (good drugs?) and figured I could probably get some christmas shopping done as long as I went in a wheelchair. My DH took me to Walmart and we cruised the aisles for less than an hour before heading home with our purchases.

Christmas day I woke up bleeding. Not a heavy flow, but when I wiped after going pee there were large amounts of mucousy blood (sorry if thats too graphic!) on the toilet paper. I started cramping a little later on making it incredibly hard to enjoy my holiday. I freaked out as I knew what was happening but my family kept telling me that it was probably just blood from the surgery passing and my baby (Haven) was probably just fine tucked away inside.

Boxing day was the exact same thing so I made my DH take me to the ER where they called in my ob/gyn. I told him I had gone shopping despite the bed rest and while he pulled my little baby out (I had expelled it apparently, though the excruciating pain tells me otherwise) he kept muttering about how my little shopping trip was just not good for my pregnancy.

I feel horrible, even though I know that many people say that bedrest will not prevent an impending miscarriage. But it seemed that when I went on bedrest initially it helped so I have this feeling I'll be carrying around a huge guilt burden for the rest of my life. This on top of the fact that there is only one ob/gyn in my town and I feel like he's mad at me!!! The only person besides my DH who seems to not be blaming me is the anaesthesiologist who did both my initial surgery and my D&C. He's the only other person who told me that everyone knew there was a high risk of miscarriage because of the nature of the surgery and the term of my pregnancy (only 7 weeks). Even my mom thinks that I should have just stayed in bed.

I feel like I'm just crazy and I know that you will all tell me I'm not crazy and this was inevitable because I've read many posts and you are all very kind. But what if I did cause this one? Is there ANY possibility that my NOT moving around could have saved the baby? I just dont understand......

[butterfly_warrior]

Natters, I'm so sorry for your loss. :hugs:

I've been told many times that if you are going to miscarry, nothing will stop it. It's important for you to believe that.

It's vitally important for you to believe that whatever you were doing was what you thought best at the time.

My first miscarriage happened when my GP told me to reduce the dosage of one of my medications because of the morning sickness... I found out later that I have an auto-immune condition and that the baby was only barely holding on, but reducing that dosage meant it no longer could. I don't blame myself or my GP - because with the information we had at the time, it was the right thing to do. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, but you can't look back and change the past - you can only learn from it and look to the future and plan to do things differently.

It does get better in time - I promise. :hugs:

BW

[Anthonysmom]

Natters - I am so sorry for your loss. One thing I have learned from my m/c is that you can "what if" yourself and go crazy. We all have them. I postponed what turned out to be my final ultrasound becasue I did not want to miss work. Everyday I think maybe things would have been different if I went. It is much easier to say then to believe, but sometimes things are out of our control. I am not saying it is easy becasue i struggle with it as well in my own situation, but there is nothing you could have done. Like your anaesthesiologist said there was a huge risk because of your surgery. When the time is right you will be a mommy, as will the rest of us. I truly believe that. You are in my prayers.

Barbara

[jo76]

i will thinking of you too, but i know it is so much easier to say than believe it - but please do not blame yourself. I am still trying to find reasoning behind my loss at 17 weeks in nov 07. our baby died when i was exposed to a common community virus that could've been caught as easily as someone coughing on me. I work in retail, my kids go to child care, I am surrounded by people all the time, my mind automatically thought of anyone who was sick etc around me. So i have had to try to stop myself from going there as it creates a situation that we think we had control over but ultimately don't, for whatever heartbreaking reasons!
Do NOT listen to anyone who slightly puts blame there, you and your DH have to look after yourselves at this time and find support in people who will not offer you any negativity. If you need to, look at counselling, just to filter through your thoughts with an outside party in a more productive way to your healing, i am lucky to have amazing support at my hospital but look elsewhere if you think you need it. It is hard enough, please take care...x

[natters]

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. It is just so hard to stay neutral on a subject like this and it seems like I spend my entire day thinking about what I should have done. My doctor told me to wait 6 months until ttc again (we weren't ttc when we got pregnant but realllly want a baby now that we've experienced a little bit of pregnancy) but I dont think I can wait that long. I'm more than willing to wait a couple of months for my surgery to fully heal (I dont even think it'll take that long but I will) is there any other reason to wait this long? Will waiting this long actually help me in the long run with keeping a pregnancy to full term?

[Katiegirl]

Hi Natters. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. It is the most painful experience and please try to be kind to yourself.

I lost Nathaniel around 15 weeks but did not find out until the 20 week scan. I have since looked through my diary a 100 times to try and work out what I was doing around this time. I worked a tradeshow for 1 day where I lifted boxes and was on my feet all day and I remember being thirsty. When I am rational I know this event is not related, but at other times I stress that I put too much pressure on my body that day. We all do it, mainly because there is often no known reason or cause for our M/Cs.

What you are going through it natural but you need to try your best not to blame yourself. Take care.

[tempus moriendi]

No advice, just best wishes and cyber hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[natters]

Thank you, everyone.

I wanted to update with a couple things I found very comforting over the last couple days.

Two days ago (I think) I prayed before sleep that God would take care of my baby. That night I dreamt I was at my Mom's house with my brother and a shooting star flew past our heads and landed in her garden. Him and I went over to it and as I picked it up my body shook with vibrations (much like those when you hear a really good song or have a good orgasm) and all I could see was light all around me and I just felt happy. The strange part was that I woke up and I still felt the vibrations and the happiness, just like everything was going to be ok.

Of course I'm still upset about everything but it was just really relieving to experience this...

Next was something my Mom wrote to me that I thought I would share with you all....

"Mysteries of life we can only guess....

I believe that the life you created chose to be placed there for a very brief time in order to draw attention to the parts of you that needed to be fixed up for a healthier place for the next one.

Thake that memory of that little life, wrap it in love, light and gratitude, and let it go to carry out more acts of love"

Lastly I found a poem while browsing that I thought you all might appreciate.

Little Footprints
by Dorothy Ferguson

How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently, only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your footprints have left upon my heart.

Thank you all for your kind words. I've decided to take my doctors (and mothers) advice and wait 6 months to ttc again. I will however be hounding my doctor about my progress to see if he will recommend it (based on my past health history) any sooner

Prayers and baby dust to all

[Isadora]

Natters, I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm glad that you have found some sort of peace. You are so lucky that you have such a supportive mum, what she wrote to you is just beautiful. 6 months will go quickly, all the best for your next pregnancy.

[chris]

Hi Natters
I am so sorry to hear about your loss..
What your mother wrote you was lovely, and so was the poem (and so true it is)

Some Drs say 6 months to wait before TTC because of the risk of comlpications after a m/c , D&C and the op you had. Take it month by month and see how you heal physicaly and emotionaly.

Your story is a little like mine as I also lost clots before I m/c and
my baby was stuck in my cervex also and it is very painful.
You did not do anything wrong and didn't cause the m/c by shopping, what probably caused it was the op for the cysts on your overies, so it is not your fault in any way. So please don't feel guilty!!!

Take Care
Chris

[mollycat]

Hi Natters,

sorry for your loss. Nothing you did caused your m/c. I believe if they are meant to stick they will. with my 2nd son, i started spotting at 8 weeks, i panicked as it had taken 3 years to conceive him, quit my job and took it easy. we have been ttc a third child since he was about twelve months old (1998) and finally fell pg in Oct 07 (also have pcos). At 8 weeks I again started to spot, told myself it was the same, kept working, as i decided not to panic this time, just to take it easy (i was lucky enough to have my 15yo son to help me with my work - self employed), i decided to drive the following day, even though i was still spotting, i just thought i would be fine, it's like last time! I started to bleed a litle heavier and went to the local hospital in the arvo, after waiting for about 3 hours, spent another couple of hours on a trolley, and finally an ultrasound which showed my baby with a heartbeat, only it was the size of a 6wo not the 8weeks it should have been. sent home with the advice that they didn't know which way i would go, some carry to term others will m/c. Went straight to bed, stayed in bed the next day (should have been visiting with my dad for his 80th birthday) and woke up sunday morning with back pain and heavy bleeding, by the time i arrived back at the hospital (a two min drive), i had miscarried. I know nothing i could have done would have stopped the m/c and now we're back to ttc (i'm too old for another 10 years - so we have given ourselves 12months).

I love what your mother wrote for you. It's lovely and shows how much she is thinking of you at this time.

[tempus moriendi]

Thank you for sharing that poem, natters. I hope everything works out for you.