This is my story

[V21]

Hi, I just needed somewhere to write my story as I feel that it will help the grieving process. I am sitting here indulging in chocolate as I write this! I found out that I was pregnant on the 3rd of March but I m/c on the 22nd March. I was out with some mates watching the Eagles game on telly and when I went to the loo there was some blood on the loo paper. (tmi, sorry ) I wasn't overly concerned as I hadn't had any cramping, but as it was our first I got hubby to take me to the hospital (where I work as a RN). They organised an emergency u/s as they were worried about ectopic pregnancy as when they examined me I was guarding on my right side. We went in and the sonographer told us very matter of factly that bub had died at 5w3d, but I was 6w4d pg by my dates. Anyway, it doesn't feel real, as I had no cramping at all, and I only bled for a couple of days. The only difference now is the not feeling sick all the time, and the emptiness of it all. I went to the Dr on thurs, and when I told him what had happened he went on to say that this was how he thought it was all going to end (WTF???!!!???) and that there wasn't really a baby there, it was just a bunch of cells. That was uncalled for, I think because I am an RN he thought I would understand all of this. But I am disgusted that an obstetritian could say that to a patient. He also didn't think that I needed time of work, though the ward I work on is right next door to maternity and I would be seeing pg women all the time and hearing newborns throughout the shift. I insisted that I needed time to work through my grief. He didn't seem to think it was real. As a result he won't ever be seeing me again as a patient. Anyway, half of me wants to get pg again straight away, the other half is saying to work through this and see what happens in time. I was so looking forward to being a mum. And I get ****ed of when I see women smoking and drinking during their pregnancies, but never have a problem, thinking that I was so careful, and I still lost our baby. I feel like a failure, my head understands that there was probably a problem with the baby, but my heart keeps saying what if???????

Sorry it's so long, talk later

[MistyFying]

Vanessa I'm so sorry for your loss I think you should be allowed time off, if you need it. Please don't feel like a failure, it wasn't your fault. Sometimes life is very, very hard.

[~StarBright~]

Hi Vanessa,

First of all big huge to you and your Dh for your loss.

I think you do deserve time off, do you have any sick days at least or you could take? I couldnt imagine working in a hospital maternity ward after loosing a baby...

I have had what they called a missed miscarrage, i got to about 10 weeks when i started to bleed and like you i was told by the people at the hospital that did the scan that it wasnt really a baby, it was just some cells that never did what they are supposed to do, much like you were told... however when i got to see my dr, he also addressed the fact that for the past 6 weeks as far as i was concerned, i had been pregnant, and that cells or no cells i had lost a baby. And i needed time to grieve for that.

Take time and grieve and when you feel ready you can try again. There is no rush for these things. And as for the what if's, I'm sorry i dont think they ever tuely go away, you will always remember your little angel and what might have been for him or her. It does get easier as time goes on, but it does take time. My advice is to cry as much as you need to- and dont hold back, it just makes things worse!!!

Take care, and do try to take some time off work to have some time to let go.

Thinking of you
StarBright

[bettyboop]

sorry to hear of your loss, sending you a big hug.

[Joeve]

Vanessa - I am so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself and know that you have done everything right and will be a wonderful mother when the time comes for you. Keep venting your anger (in your head of course ) to the complete TWAT that was your obstetrician.

[snowie]

I'm sorry for your loss . What an idiot of an OB!! I'm glad you aren't going back to him.
As for feeling sad - you have every right to! Eating choccie helps - don't get too carried away though A glass of red wine also helps me too.
Take as much time as you need to grieve. Do you have an understanding GP - my GP has given me medical certs when I've need it (even for a very early loss at 4wks).

[issy02]

Oh Vanessa, im so sorry for your loss. You have every right to grieve. For me it wasnt just the loss of a baby but the loss of a dream and hopes for the future that you begin to create when you find out your going to have a baby.

I kept thinking, why me? why my little angel? what did I do wrong? I still dont think I understand why and no matter how much I tell myself, 'it wasnt meant to be' it just feels like a lie im trying to convince myself of. Some people dont realise that when a women finds out she is going to have a baby she immediately feel love for her child, a sense of nuture and a strong desire to protect them. Perhaps thats why we feel like failures when things go wrong, we feel we have failed to protect them, that our love just wasnt enough, but thats just not true.

Its such a positive thing to share your feelings, and find support in others, especially those who understand the feelings involved in the grieving process of a m/c.

Again Im so sorry for your loss, the BB forums have offered so much support for me and have helped me express some very difficult emotions but most importantly have made them feel like valid, important emotions which I have the right to feel.

Issy.

[smiles4u]

Oh Vanessa that's so heartbeaking ... And so insensitive of that OB

... I don't have magical encouraging words to say to you BUT a big huge hug to send your way

[V21]

Thanks guys for your support and understanding. It makes my feelings valid. Thanks again

[Cieras mummy]

Hi Vanessa,

I too lost my baby recently and was told by the doctor in the ED that I didnt really have a baby there to loose. I have worked in medical practices for a long time and did not think that it was the right thing to say. For me I had a baby growing in me and to have that taken away so quickly in body and then in soul really hurt.

The sonagrapher was also very rude and asked me if I was sure of my dates, when I said yes no doubt his words were very harsh and not needed. He said "well this isnt the size of a nine week sac". I knew straight away that there was something wrong as I could not even see a baby form on the screen.

It ended up being diagnosed as a blighted ovum, and I had a d&c 4 days later.
I am totally with you on the trying again thing. I just want to get pregant again as it took 2 years the last time. I dont want to even consider having to wait that long again.

To make things even harder for DH and I, my DH brother and his wife told us 1 week after MC that they are expecting their baby 3weeks before I would have been due and now good friend has told me that she is due 3 weeks after I would have been due. I mean how much am I supposed to handle at any one given time.........

I have just started AF. 1st once since D&C so look out next month. Here's hoping that AF will stay away

Sorry that my post is long, but you seem to be in the same boat as I am and I completely understand all those feelings that you are feeling.
I just hope that you can have some comfort in the knowledge that we are all here to help each other through this time when there seems to be no where else to go.
To you and I hope things get better for you really soon.

All the Best
Kim