i am so sorry for the loss of Jordan. your post sounds like you went through a traumatic, life threatening situation. these situations can cause post traumatic stress disorder, and certainly cannot be erased by the few pathetic words offered by your doctors. please take the time to fully grieve your loss and to deal with the emotions that will arise in your grief and stress. i am so sorry you must live through this pain, and wish i could tell you an easy way to get through. it seems, though, that only time and allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling are the only ways to feel "better". you will always be Jordan's mom, and you will always love him as much as your other children. of course you grieve him and want him back. people often offer those comments without thinking, because they have heard them before or just can't think of anything else. i like to think they mean well, so i just nod and move away to someone who can understand my pain. please take good care of yourself, and find the support you need. bb has really made a difference for me, please join if it will help you. again, i am so sorry for your pain. xxoom