1st Miscarriage & it WILL be MY LAST!! (I am declaring it today)

[alwaysblessed]

Hello Everyone,

(I really would like to tell my entire story just so I can finally let it go! Please forgive me for the length.)

My husband and I were trying to conceive for 17 long months. Due to very irregular periods 2 or 3 months apart somtimes and the obvious struggle to calculate my ovulation days.... I decided to finally seek fertility treatment. My gyn ran the all the tests that she was capable of running such as thyroid, hormone, and etc. She told me all the tests were NORMAL! (THANK GOD) This doctor's apppointment was on 5/4/09. Before leaving she asked me the date of my period which was 2/9/09 (a little bit longer than normal) so she asked me to take a pregnancy test. I agreed, but my hopes were not high bc I had just taken one of many preg tests on 5/1/09 and it was neg. Well as I am waiting to be discharged she ran out with a red face and said.....WELL your tests is showing that you have higher than normal levels of hCG in your body!! I immediately wanted to shout, scream, laugh, and etc. She told me to hold off on telling people. She wanted to make sure that it was not etopic, but I had to wait bc it was to early.


Well I had 2 more doc visits and an ultrasound which confirmed it was in the uterus! At this point, my husband and I are ELATED!! We didn't tell anyone we wanted to wait until we saw the heartbeat. Well on 6/1/09 I had my ultrasound and the Doc said, " You are 6 weeks annnnnnd ....I have bad news your fetus heartbeat is 47 beats/min!! You will more than likely miscarry. There is nothing you can do. I will have a follow up ultrasound on 6/9/09." At this point if felt like a train and crashed into my chest at 100mph, literally!! I could not make it out the door before the tears were falling. My husband tried to be strong but eventally shed tears as well. I tried to be as optimistic as possible throughout the entire week! But on 6/5/09, I started spotting. I was still telling myself that it could just be a light period.

6/6/09 I was cramping the entire day. At 8:00 ish I started passing HUGE/MASSIVE blood clots. At this point, I just wanted to hold my legs together tightly just to keep my baby in the pain was unbearable. (Now the most suprising part of the entire situation was the PAIN!! I've heard women say that they had miscarried but NO ONE EVER said that the pain would be so unbearable and that I would vomit the entire time.) It was a night from HELL! AND NOT ONLY WAS IT A NIGHT FROM HELL IT WAS MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY!!I went to the emergency room and the doctor comfirmed that I was miscarrying. They put me in the obgyn room with a baby bed next to mine. OMG so when I wasn't crying and screaming from the pain...I was crying my eyes out bc I was losing my baby.

Thats my story as short as I can put it.....TODAY is the one week anniversary of my miscarriage. At this time last week I was going through the WORST day of my life. Please someone tell me that it gets better. Tell me that I will not have to wait another two years before I get pregnant again. How do I get over this? I have been in the house all week!!!! When I am not depressed and crying...I am getting aggravated at my husband for NOOOOOO reason at all! My emotions and hormones are all out of wack!! I passed the fetus and the gestational sac...I wil go back on 6/16/09 to make sure that my hCG returns to zero!!! I want to start now (since I have stopped bleeding FINALLY) to have another baby! My doc told me to wait one or two cycles!! So I am like...which one 1 or 2 bc to me that is a big difference. I will ask him about starting as soon as my first cycle has passed. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS, OPINIONS, AND SUGGESTIONS TO HELP ME THROUGH THIS TRYING TIME! IF YOU HAVE A SUCCESS STORY POST M/C PLEASE SHARE IT!!!!THAT IS WHY I POSTED MY STORY. I REFUSE TO EVEN THINK THAT I WILL MISCARRY AGAIN SO PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME THAT IT IS POSSIBE BC I WILL NOTTT RECEIVE IT..."BLESSED BE THE FRUIT OF MY/YOUR BODY" DEUTERONOMY 28:4


FYI....My husband turned 28 on 6/6/09 and I will be turning 26 on 6/15/09!!

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH,
AlwaysBlessed

[AngelRomansMum]

Hello,

I'm very sorry that you went through this, after so long trying, :hugs: it would be devastating!, i also have irregular periods about 2-6months apart, i have PCOS, and thats one of my symptoms of it, have you been diagnosed with PCOS?

I lost my son on 3rd May, at 20wks1day, he was also my first,so i do know the pain it is to lose a very much wanted/loved baby! i really do hope you get pregnant again, and that you carry full term, i wish i could say you will, but i dont want to give false hope and theres no way i can guarantee, but i do hope for you.

I wish i could give you a successful story, but i have heard from many that after a m/c it can be quicker and easier to get pregnant again, i hope this can be the case for you!!

You are in my thoughts today, and please keep updated on how your feeling, its good to get it all out and we are here to listen and help.

Take care.

...Jess.

[Berry1]

Hi AlwaysBlessed, I am very sorry for your loss it's a heartbreaking thing to go through no matter how far along you are. I lost a daughter at 19-wks. I can imagine it must be difficult given how long it took you to conceive the first time. On the emotional front, everyone is different, but I did find it has gotten easier with time, although I have my moments. On the physical front it is taking me longer to conceive this time then last (although its only been 7-mths) and I have been doing a lot of reading about acupunture and actually started it this week. I have read that it can help women who have hormone imbalances. If you are interested, perhaps do some research for yourself. I did read that its best to find an acupuncturist that specialises in fertility. All the very best to you & I pray that you are blessed with a healthy sticky baby next time that you carry to full-term, & I hope it happens nice and quickly for you. Take care.

[julie_ann_jules]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss .
I also had a m/c. I had been with a partner and not using any concreception for YEARS then I fell pregnant. My husband (now but he was partner at the time) and I told everyone then I had a m/c. That night at the hospital laying in a room by myself knowing that I was loosing my baby was one of the worst nights of my life .

But now (7years later) I have three beautiful and healthy boys. They are aged 6, 4 and 3months.

I also have PCOS and very irregular periods.

All the best for your next pg.

[CatKat]

Alwaysblessed I'm sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place to make honest true supporting friends.
My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs and have not been using contraception for 3 1/2 of those years. We always said if "IT" happens naturally we would be the proudest people on the planet. But after 2yrs of trying and all test coming back normal, we were advised by my Gyn to try IUI of IVF. We decided that if we were to go to such deliberate measures we would get married first, so on the 25th Jan this year we had the most beutiful wedding. And funny as it was, I got my AF 3days bf the wedding....how lovely! Anyway come february I didnt get my AF, I tested and had a BFP and it was so fantastic! WHAT TIMING!!!!! Always thaught something was wrong beause for the next couple weeks I had period like cramps but I was told it was normal. In March....Friday 13th actually, I misscarried. I was in so much pain, being so devastated did not help my cramps at all. I passed everything naturally and was very unpleasant. 4 days later I passed a little bean like clot and I just stared at it for hours and cried. The next day my brother announced he and his wife were expecting and they were exactly as far along pregnant that I had been. When I heard I was completely crushed, Im glad it was over the phone because if anyone had seen my face or real reaction I would be condemed!
I also want to conceive again yesterday.......

I can tell you it does get easier, AF time for me is destructing again.
Hearing other peoples stories makes me feel better about myself so I thaught I'd return the favour for you.

[Tegam]

The pain of m/c is the worst pain i have ever felt. I could not have ever imagined that i would deal with it so 'badly'. To this day it suprises me the depth i sunk. I feel sick remembering it now.......

But somehow at some point, im not sure when but it got easier and easier.

I have had two beautiful children since, so i am lucky enough to have three kids ages 5, 2, 10months. But still i have feelings of, 'id love a 4th, but do i risk another m/c"? I guess that i want you to know that whilst its the worst place i have ever been, it is worth the risk, because the benefits (kids) make it worth the fight!

I am intensively private about my m/c, but share my story when i feel it might help someone, as i had some amazing friends that were there for me when i needed it!

Have strength, seek support, forgive yourself and do try again.

Ill be sending you all my support and friendship your way!

[Miss.B]

Hi Alwaysblessed,

I am so sorry for your loss hun. Having had a loss myself, I can tell you that yes, it gets easier, the grieving takes place and then it eases, life goes on and normality returns but not completely, you start to hear the birds sing again, you notice the sunshine, you hear your own laughter. But it took me months to get there, and I am still grieving to some extent. I am however now ready to try again and even though I will be very anxious and scared, I am going to go there again as I would love to have an earth baby.

So stay strong, stay focused and get some help if you need it with councelling or support from partner/family/friends/support groups. It really helps.

All the best for you and I hope you don't have to wait long for your beautiful earth baby.

Beata xxx

[alwaysblessed]

I would like to really truly thank those that responded!( and the replies were quick)
I read and reread each one of your post. You know....as loving and helpful as your family members and friends try to be....in the back of my mind I felt that they could not relate bc they did not experience it. This is a pain that no one can TRULY understand unless they have experienced it. So this website really helps me bc I get to speak to ppl that feel or felt the same way I do. I really appreciate your replies.

AngelRomanMum,

I was really happy to hear from you! I read your story before I posted mine, and it inspired me to post my story. So thank you for your post. As I read your story, I became upset as if it happened to me. I am still in mourning over my loss, and I really do not have anything profound to say.. I am not experienced with this type of thing. Before it happened to me, I THOUGHT miscarriages and stillbirths were very rare. Now, I see that they are not. I am truly sorry for your loss. You will definitely be in my prayers as well as Roman. I am sorry this happened and the WAY it happened. Thank you so much for your support. KIT

Berry 1,
Thank you for your suggestion. I will definitely look into it. I believe that any little bit helps. Keep me updated on how your sessions go. I am also very sorry for your loss as well! I just reallly hate that things such as this can happen.

Julie & CatKat,

Your stories were the ones that I could relate to the most. Don't get me wrong all of the replies were very helpful, but I was not that far along in my pregnancy (which does not ease the pain at all, trust me) I can relate because you both were also trying for soooo long. Just the length of time trying is miserable and fustrating and then when it finally happens and its taken away! WOWWW Posting this reply really make me see how mad I truly feel! Julie, just knowing that you were able to conceive gives me soooo much more hope than I initially had before! Thank you soooo much!! CatKat, I am just like you I am ready to conceive yesterday as well. Please keep me posted maybe both of us will get prego next month!!!

beata70,
Your story was also inspiring! Just to know that you had children as well gives me high hopes and confirmation that I will carry full term. I read your reply over and over bc to be honest with you I dont hear or feel those things that you explained. Its like I lost my happiness. IDK but thanks for your assurance that those little but important moments will return.


THANK ALL OF YOU,
Alwaysblessed

[Turkish Delight]

Hi,

i am deeply sorry for your loss hun. A loss is a loss no matter how far in the pregnancy you were. Many people don't understand. I lost my Zara at 7 weeks, and to me she was (and still is) as precious as my two other children. You will never forget you bub, but the grieving does lessen as time goes on. Just the other day, i was talking about Zara and my mum asked if she would have been born by now? I said "mum, she would have been 6months old/" I got all teary. There are still days when i think about her. Your emotions being out of whack are totally normal. You body as gone through a great deal emotionally and physically. You will get there, just give it some time.

If it will inspire you... I have PCOS. My period were 2 months apart. I conceived my son naturally in 6 months (without trying) and had to try for about 1 year to get my little girl. I went to an endocrinologist (hormone specialist) whilst trying to conceive my daughter. I was 80kgs then. He told me to lose 10kgs, still TTC and then come back to see him if it didn't happen. This was August 2006. I lost 10kgs by October 2006 and in November 2007 i was pregnant. I didn't go to the second appt, i didn't need to as i had conceived. I phoned and told him the good news!

It can and will happen.

xxxooo