It is heart-wrenching to be writing this down. We lost our baby at 8 weeks.
We went for a scan on Monday and there was no heartbeat, no baby, just an empty sac measuring 6 weeks. My hcg levels were still increasing but nowhere near enough.
I had a d&c on Tuesday. DH really wants answers so we are having chromosome testing done on the baby to see if there is anything that we should do differently nxt time. the d&c was okay, but I cried for most of the day.
I go through waves of sadness. I am sad all the time, but there are moments of such intense emotion that I end up crying into my blanket. It doesn't need to be a specific though or thing that sets me off. Just the knowing that I was growing our child and now it is gone.
It's not just the loss of the baby though. We used our last embryo with this IVF transfer. Now we have to start the whole process again. All the drugs, the invasion of my body, the possibility of hyperstimulating like last time, the not knowing whether or not it will work. What if it takes another 8 IVF cycles for me to fall pregnant again? That's what it took this time. I don't have another 8 cycles left in me. We don't have the money for that either. I have three, maybe 4 cycles left. And what if that isn't enough? What if this is my only pregnancy, and my baby is gone forever.
My poor baby Vanilla. I love you so much and wish you were still here with Mummy and Daddy. You are my forever baby, and I will always love you and think of you.
Bec, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby. I know how much it hurts, and it's ok for you not to be ok for a long time. I remember I used to sob my heart out in the shower for my lost baby. One thing I found is that I went back to work too soon, I felt a bit better and then two weeks after my miscarriage I crashed again, so please make sure you go easy on yourself and take as much time as you need. I so wish that this wasn't happening to you hun.
I am so sorry Bec that you have to go through this pain...take care of yourself and DH at this difficult time. The thought of doing another round of IVF must also be hard adding to the grief and the uncertainty of the future.
Glad to hear DH & you are going to find some answers, I truely hope you do, it does help to move forward. But for the time being, just take time to grief your loss and be gentle to yourself, the pain will never go away completely but it will get better....thinking of you hun!
hi becD I often wondered where you went, its me 21@TTC#1 but i have a name change now, im so sorry for whats happened,if you remember i too had this happen, a sac measuring 8 weeks found at almost 13 weeks and also had a D and C its very awful and i know you and Murray WILL get there in the end, you deserve it sooo much and i cant wait to hear when the time comes, please stay strong but also give yourself time to heal. we are all here for you.
I have had a really sad day today. I put together the memory box for vanilla, Murray and I both wrote a letter to Vanilla and I put in all bits and pieces that we had bought for him, flowers and cards we were given, my BFP POAS.
I got through last week at work without breaking down, but I am a wreck today, have been crying non-stop. I am so angry, angry with God and the world. I just dont know how to move on, I dont want to move on. I just want my baby back in my belly
Bec I know what you mean
Yesterday i found myself screaming at the sky asking God why me?
When we loved out baby so much how he could do such a thing.
I don't have any words because they just arent enough.
But I'm here for you seriously anything you need pm me because I'll listen
I really hope things get better
We can heal but we never forget.
Our little Vanilla
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so sorry hun 
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