It is heart-wrenching to be writing this down. We lost our baby at 8 weeks.
We went for a scan on Monday and there was no heartbeat, no baby, just an empty sac measuring 6 weeks. My hcg levels were still increasing but nowhere near enough.
I had a d&c on Tuesday. DH really wants answers so we are having chromosome testing done on the baby to see if there is anything that we should do differently nxt time. the d&c was okay, but I cried for most of the day.
I go through waves of sadness. I am sad all the time, but there are moments of such intense emotion that I end up crying into my blanket. It doesn't need to be a specific though or thing that sets me off. Just the knowing that I was growing our child and now it is gone.
It's not just the loss of the baby though. We used our last embryo with this IVF transfer. Now we have to start the whole process again. All the drugs, the invasion of my body, the possibility of hyperstimulating like last time, the not knowing whether or not it will work. What if it takes another 8 IVF cycles for me to fall pregnant again? That's what it took this time. I don't have another 8 cycles left in me. We don't have the money for that either. I have three, maybe 4 cycles left. And what if that isn't enough? What if this is my only pregnancy, and my baby is gone forever.
My poor baby Vanilla. I love you so much and wish you were still here with Mummy and Daddy. You are my forever baby, and I will always love you and think of you.
Bec I am so sorry honey. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all that you have been through. I wish I could take your pain away and ease your heartache.
I pray that you are blessed with an earth baby soon, take care sweetheart.
Beata xxx
Thank you all for your support. We are slowly getting there, wherever 'there' is.
Still quite teary but starting to feel a bit more like myself.
I will be going back to work on Tuesday which will be a challenge but will help me to move on with life I think.
Murray and I have been talking about doing something nice to remember Vanilla by. At the moment I am thinking of a plain band with Vaniila engraved on it - something nice that I can wear everyday. Also putting together a little memory box with cards, BFP HPT, and a letter to our baby.
Bec- I am so so sorry for your loss and the pain you now feel. I know how it feels and it's awful. And it's the fact you can't just try again to have a baby- it's facing IVF and the uncertainty and limbo again. That is really tough, on top of grieving for baby Vanilla.
It gets easier bit by bit, but dont expect too much of yourself for quite a while. Dont beat yourself up for the way you feel or expect yourself to suddenly be big and strong, if you still feel really fragile. It's been months now since my last miscarriage and I still have bad days.
Doing something to remember your baby by is a great idea. DH and I lit a candle with each of our losses and said a few words as a goodbye. We did the same thing when a due date recently came up...I also write things down, which I find is a good way to vent, as is this site- it's helped me through.
I hope it doesnt take you too long to fall pregnant again and hope we have our forever babies soon
Emma xx
My heart breaks for you . Unfortunately some of us have the long and hard journey to have our little miracle child, and I wish you all the best in your TTC journey.
Reply With Quoteso sorry hun
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Our little Vanilla
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