I can't believe I'm back in this dark place.
I got a positive HPT last Monday at 12DPO. My head kept telling me it's too early and not to get too excited. But my heart was just leaping for joy. I desperately wanted those early pregnancy signs to come, but they were so mild. Last month I had a HSG for my one remaining tube and was thrilled to find out it wasn't blocked. I knew I was high risk for another ectopic, but really didn't believe it would happen.
At 14 DPO my HCG was 89 and at 16DPO it was 256. I was really hoping this was going to be my time.
In the wee hours of Monday morning I started to bleed. It was dark red. I went back to bed hoping it was a bad dream. In the morning the reality started to sink in and all I could hope for was a natural miscarriage. However, the ultrasound I had showed this wasn't to be the case.
Luckily, my gyno/surgeon was doing surgery yesterday and agreed to see me. I made my way to the hospital and after a three hour wait, I saw my doc. He operated on me 20 min later.
Although I still feel like I'm reliving a terrible nightmare, the clear coloured photo of my tube with a little bubble inside is haunting me.
As for my emotions, I feel numb. If it's possible to run out of tears, I'm getting close.
I am really so very sorry to hear this, I can imagine the pain you are feeling, and anger and sadness and all that.
Having had an ectopic (with my second tube also damaged) and two subsequent miscarriages I know how it feels to have that repeated loss, after that first hint of excitement.
Big hugs.
I hope through IVF you can find success soon. For now, take time out for yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. It takes time to heal. And the whole ectopic experience and surgery is awful.
Last edited by Possums; March 24th, 2009 at 12:07 PM.
Poosums- I'm sorry for your recent loss too. I was reading your thread but too fragile to post and say the wrong thing. I'm thinking of you too. GL with your ongoing journey.
I'm off to start lurking in the assisted threads. Looking for a new place to fit in.
Oh Sandy my heart is going out to you hun
I've been lurking around and am sooo sad to read your post.
If you ever need to have a chat, please pm me. We are all here for you in this time of need.
Please take care and try to make some time for you.
I too am lurking around the assisted conception threads trying to get my head around the whole thing for when we start in May, so I will be right there with you.
I am sorry it's just so hard, and all so unfair. PM me if you want to talk anytime.
The girls in the AC threads are great. I seem to fit in more than one area now myself, so I bounce around a bit.
Hopefully IVF will work quickly for you
Cass- It's good to hear from you. I hope your TTC journey is going o.k. at the moment and not too stressful.
Possums- I've introduced myself to one of the threads. I'm starting to feel a bit positive about taking on a new direction with TTC. A little scared though.
Thanks adkins.
I wish my RLF's could be as supportive. My BF is heavily pregnant and doesn't know what to say to me. She just comes across so self absorbed and very awkward talking to me. I'm thinking of confronting her about it. I need a friend and someone to listen to me, not avoid me because she is pregnant. I just wish she would realise that.
OH Bloody Heck Sandygirl... i just wanna jump though this screen and hold you so tight... also bringing with me a huge tub of ice cream or something just so exceptionally naughty but yummy!!!!!
I really hope your friend hear's what you has to say regarding how you feel and what you need from the friendship.... i dont think there is anything wrong with confronting her, as every friendship is a two way street and maybe she doesnt realise how she is making you feel, which is not ok.
She may just not know what to do or say, so saying something to her may make all the difference... it could however, go the other way and prove to be the breaker for the friendship, instead of the maker.
Either way, i really really hope you have some serious support network's around you..... i know i would need them!!!!!!!!!
Tell your friend how you feel. She's probably finding it really difficult right now - not knowing what to do or say. Feeling guilty that she's pregnant and you are no longer. She may also be having some scary thoughts about her own pregnancy as when you are pregnant.... no matter how far advanced you are.... and a loss happens close to you it reminds you just how fragile life is & that pregnancy does not have any guarantees.
oh Sandygirl, I can only imagine what you are going through... I know this is a very hard and sad time for you. I would like to offer you some hope.
My SIL lost her first tube because of an ectopic about 5 yrs ago. They decided at that stage to use IVF, on the first cycle they had two embryos (sp) implanted and had 3 boys. Then they let nature take it course and last year she lost her 2nd tube also due to an ectopic. They had the last embryoy implanted soon after and she has just given birth to a beautiful little girl.
I know the light is faint but it is there and will grow stronger. Goodluck with next phase of your journey.
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Second ectopic - both tubes gone
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with you and DH
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