I'm new to this, i've had a read of some of the stories people have posted and i have decided to also tell my story. This really seems like a place where women can relate and understand eachother.
I am blessed to have a two healthy boys, a 2 year old and a 5 year old. I have just experienced a MC after 6 weeks, and i haven't had any support from my family. My husband has been great but everyone else expects me to get over it and i'm told i shouldn't be worried or upset i already have children and that i can have more.
I don't see it that way, yes i am lucky to already have children but does that mean i'm not entitled to feel the loss? What hurts the most is that because we have two children we had everything basically planned for the third. I had been trying for 9 months to concieve and when i did i was over the moon. We were looking at buying bunks for the boys so they could share a room, i was trying to organise myelf at work so that i could perhaps stay home with the baby for a while etc.
So as you can imagine, the baby was good as born. I can't understand why people around me quickly disregard my anguish and tell me i can have more. Who are they to say that? I've had to push people away like that right now because i can't deal with them. All i know is if i don't deal with this how i feel most comfortable, it may haunt me in my future attempts to concieve. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? How did you cope?
I had at least five miscarrages between baby number one and baby number two. You do have to give yourself time to grieve. Regardless if you had already prepared for the baby or not it's just the fact that you lost a baby. Our society aborts babies at that stage so it's no wonder that others cannot feel any sympathy for your loss. Just stay away from people like that if possible and don't feel bad about the need to mourn for your child. I cried for days after each one of my lossed and even now after I have had three children I still feel sad about those who didn't make it. It is important to understand that normally when we miscarry it is for a reason. Something must not have been going right and we have to rest in the thought that this was the best thing for our baby. The Bible tells us that God knows us even as we are in the womb. This tells me that he knew my babies and they are with him now, so I know that when I get to heaven I will have five more perfect children waiting for me
I think your family are being very insensitive by telling you to "get over it", losing a child, is one of the worst things that can happen to someone.
You take all the time you need hun, no one can give you a timespan of how long you can grieve it's different for everyone.
It sounds like you have a very supportive husband, maybe you can both sit down with your family and tell them exactly how much this baby meant to you, and how much their comments have hurt you at this already difficult time.
Special K, I too am new to this... I searched the web during the week for information on miscarriage and found this site. I lost our baby just over a week ago and I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I feel fine and then all of a sudden I feel a rush of sadness overwhelm me which I cannot control. My husband can't cope with watching my face crumple as he's dealing with our loss quietly and privately.
I have two sister-in-laws, one of whom has experienced a miscarriage. I feel I can relate to her in part but mostly it is a very private anguish that I can't express easily to people I know and love. I've found it is a taboo subject which people seem to run from.
My father in law said to my husband when told the news of our loss that 'it could have been worse, you could have gone to full term and lost both of them'... how inappropriate and insensitive. My mother in law said 'maybe there was something wrong with it'. And they wonder why I don't want them here at the moment! I saw them briefly yesterday and not a word was said to me about our lost baby boy. I found this just as distressing as their previous words to my husband. Its like it didn't happen, that my obvious growing bump was a figment of my imagination. We have two healthy little girls which I am grateful for, but it doesn't seem to numb the pain of our recent loss.
We had ordered a bed for our three year old and it is due in the shop next week (she's currently in a toddler bed) Our girls were going to share a room so the baby could have its own room. So now we will have an empty cot to remind us of what should have been. We were also about to make a layby on a new carseat on the same weekend we lost the baby.
I haven't meant to hijack your thread but to share with you that I have similar feelings/thoughts too. Our loss isn't being recognised by some members of family and it hurts.
I contacted SIDS nsw earlier today and they are sending me pamphlets on anti-natal loss which hopefully will help in some way. They have a 24 hour support line if you need to speak to somebody who will listen... ph 1800 651 186
Specialk - Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are going thru, just as alot of others on BB. I too lost my third pg, only to lose my fourth. I shut down from everyone, even my DH especially the second time round. O felt as tho I was unable to breath. I blamed myself for my losses, and could not bring myself to leave the house, answer the phones or anything. I am not a counsellor, but you are entitled to grieve. You have lost something so special, that meant alot to you and for you to get thru this you need to grieve. I too pushed alot of people away and was very hurt when I was told that at least I have my boys. I can have more. I felt as tho my whole world had crashed around me and that there was nowhere for me to escape. I had even stopped talking to my nextdoor neighbour as she had asked if I was really pg. For me I nolonger felt whole, and so desparately wanted to feel whole. Having said that you need to hold onto hope that you will become pg again, I have since had 2 DD's after my m/c's. What also helped me thru my m/c's I wrote a letter to them, and also bought a bracelt each so that I may have something that was specifically for them. I also chose a song that was for them, so whenever I wanted to feel close to them I had that. There are many things that you could do, but that is what helped me. I made a box for them and have my letters and bracelets etc in it, even a little teddy bear, which I have kept as I was so scared that I would forget them. My DH also bought a plant. that however didn't last. I am certainly no green thumb.
Please know that you are not alone with how you feel, and that it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Again I am so sorry for you loss. Hugs.
Apparently in about 7 months I will be a qualified midwife - yikes!
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HUn I am so sorry for your loss. It has nothing to do with how far along you are, or how many children you may or may not already have, every loss is a loss and you are absolutely entitled to grieve for what will never be with your little angel.
I'm so so sorry for you loss
Big hugs for you - I had an experience with mine that I wish to share with you.
I found out I was pg on the 27th June, m/c'ed on the 29th June - I knew about my pregnancy for two days, but I still told friends and the such because I thought it was fantastic news.
Anyways, when I had to tell everyone that I m/c'ed two days later, most of the replies were 'Why did you tell us you were then?'
I thought it was insensitive and totally f**ked up (excuse the language) but I'm now moving on and have felt like I have been made to feel like I move on *shrugs* I got no idea to be honest how I should feel, but I now am grateful to my DF because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here still
Lizjessie - A loss is never easy at any stage, and to be told what you were told is so insensative. I am sorry for your loss and sorry for what you had to go thru. Some people just don't know how to react, especially if they have never had to experience it. Hugs.
csab - I know, I found it very very harsh that people said that, I am only just now getting back on my feet after everything - it's really hard, especially since I only knew about it for 2 days
Lizjeesie - It really doesn't matter how long you have known about it. The fact is you wanted this baby so much, and for it to be taken away from you, it really does hurt. It is like your dreams have been crushed. Let me tell you tho, you will have that precious baby, and it will be the happiest day of your life. You will always remember the one you have lost, as it will always be with you. The pain also takes its time to ease, but as I have experienced, the pain is still there, you just seem to move on each day. Each day does get easier. I for one never thought it would, but it does. I have to admit, my losses had changed me in a way I never thought possible. TC hugs. We are here if you need to talk.
csab - thank you for your sympathies, it made me cry again which makes me feel again... as I feel numb mostly
lizjessie - most people do not know how to react to bad news and say stupid things. Just look at what my in-laws said to my husband... thank goodness it wasn't said to me or I would have blasted them in my grief. You were eager to share your happy news which is understandable, its horrible that you then had to share your loss so soon afterwards.
I was at a very low point on Friday night and had an urge to lay down on the road which thankfully passed when a car towing a boat went past. If it hadn't been for DH, DD's and my mother I wouldn't be here.
Your family are being very insensitive about it. It does not matter if it is your 1st of 12th child or if you were 4 weeks or 42 weeks it is still your baby and your loss and them saying that is terrible, when i had a mc last yr i had friends like that and when i got upset that otherfriends were preg with 2nd or 3rd
csab - That is definitely true - I didn't care that I knew for only 2 days, the fact was that I was pregnant and the fact that I did lose a part of me, that's what it was all about. I just can't believe how insensitive they were about it.
This is the one I'll remember, because it was with someone I loved.
Before I got together with my DF, I was engaged to another guy who was a complete f**ktard (again excuse the language)
Anyways, we were together 2 and a half years and we were trying since day one for me to get pregnant, and I never did.
A week after we broke up (Feb 14 last year) I found out I was pg. I was scared to be totally honest, but I was like *shrugs* I'll take it as I will. A week later, I started bleeding very heavy, and bled for over 14 days, I had m/c'ed - Now this may sound heartless (and I don't want it to) but I was relieved, because I didn't want to have something that reminded me of that idiot.
8 months later, me and my DF got together and never been happier
curl - that's absolutely right. I now see that they probably didn't know what to say at that point in time, but it still hurt and I still see it as rather insensitive, but it's probably because they didn't know what to say in return
Curl - You poor thing. When I say that I know exactly how you feel, I mean it. I was in such a low, and would always mention to my DH that I can't go on anylonger. Now time has past, I now realise what that must have felt, for him to hear me say that. I would just sit in a corner or curl up and just cry, the pain just felt so unbearable I just couldn't handle it. I felt as tho every breath in me was a struggle and even now writing this brings tears to my eyes. All I wanted was to be with my angels, so I could touch them, smell them and just love them. What got me thru, was my DH and my boys. I knew that I couldn't put them thru any heartache. Thankfully the hospital had given me a counsellor for me to talk to, when I had lost my first, which even tho I could not stand to leave the house, I would speak to her, and she would listen, and not judge me and would not make me feel as tho I had no right to grieve. She made me feel normal, with how I was feeling. I needed that, as I didn't want my DH to feel any worse than what he already was. I needed to speak with someone who wasn't a family member or close friend. She helped me a great deal, she may not have known it, but just letting me talk and feel was what I needed.
One last thing I would like to mention to Specialk, Curl and Lizjessie. Please do not think you had done anything wrong for you to m/c. It really isn't. I know you may be feeling that it is, as all I did was blame myself for not being able to protect my angels and honestly that was the worst thing I could have done. You all need to know that you are not to blame, some things happen that are just out of our control. TC and hugs to you.
Lizjessie - You were not being heartless. You are so spot on, it really is apart of you, and that really is what you lose. As I said before, there is apart of me that has never been the same since and I know it never will.
Trying to grieve against family wish's
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