Gah need a vent & a cry & a slap up the back of the head!
Evan just had a massive melt down. We had gone for a walk, kids on scooters, evan on bike etc. We got a few streets down & turned back. the kids were not listening, going to far ahead, drifting out on the road etc. Evan LOST IT BIG TIME.
Threw the bike, screamed & carried on all the way back to the house. Get to the house & he was still going ape ****. Ripping at stuff throwing chairs around etc. I told him he had to go outside. He wouldn't just kept screaming at me. I totally lost it with him, handled it terribly, even smacked him . I put him outside & DH ended up going out there with him & basically watched him while he screamed & yelled how he doesn't care about anything, tried his hardest to break anything he could get his hands on etc. All the while I was inside just fuming & telling DH to stop being an audience for him, he is just playing it up because you are watching. They eventually come inside (after about 20 minutes) & Evan is still carrying on. He started screeching in Iains face & pushing at things with is feet (chairs, a couple of stripy bags I have linen in against the wall) trying to push them over etc. I told Simon he needed to take him out of the house before I smack him, I will not tolerate him screaming at the little ones like that (DH was trying to ignore him & was sitting on the computer about a meter from him, I was in the kitchen trying to get dinner sorted). DH needed up taking him into the bathroom & eventually got him to have a shower (Evan is refusing to have baths/showers lately)
Evan eventually calmed down till it was time to come out when he started again but not to the same extent. He is now sitting eating dinner watching TV.
DH went off at me a bit about how I handled it. He said I need to remember its in illness not something he is doing on purpose but I can't help but feel that when he starts that he is playing on it to some extent. Dh said he thinks its like a fit. Which deep down, I know he isn't playing it up. I am just trying to justify my own bad behaviour really. I am ashamed of myself for handling it so badly. I did nothing to help, I just made it worse.
I don't know what to do.
Today we went to the shops, had a play in the playground there & then went & had lunch at the RSL club where there is also an indoor play thing. BUT we have been into the shops the last 2 or 3 days in a row. Where he has acted up more & more each time. But he was "ok" today in comparison but then this hours later...
Can I go to a OT off my own back or do I need to be referred? He obviously has sensory issues & I am doing NOTHING at all to help him when he hits overload. I feel awful, lost & like I need a good punch int eh face for being such a terrible mum
FJ, I don't know if you remember me. I used to be Rayla72 and I'm a friend of Trish's (Tehya's mum).
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's incredibly hard being consistently patient with special needs kids, not to mention the fact that you're so heavily pregnant and all the stress that brings. I've lost it with my 9yo autistic daughter too so I get the guilt, but it's important to just wipe the slate clean and keep on truckin'. Tomorrow's another day.
Firstly, you are NOT a terrible mum! We all have days like that. Also, you're only starting out on your journey to find the tools and understand the uniqueness of your son's condition, and at first there is a lot of hit and miss. What works one day might not work another, and unfortunately it takes time and experience to build your arsenal of tricks. It sounds like it is definitely over-stimulation from being at the shops. Outside didn't work this time, it's a better tool for when they are reacting to a lack of stimulus. Perhaps if it happens again, can you try to get your DH to do deep pressure (squishing him between two pillows) making a game out of it. Deep pressure is meant to be calming it might work better at times like that. Even a bear hug could help a lot. What you DH says about a fit is actually how I would describe it too. My DD used to fit for real and she has a very distinctive cry that she only makes after having one, and also after she has calmed down on the occasions when she has gone so off the handle that I've had to restrain her during some meltdowns.
You can go see a private OT, no you don't need a referral but it helps. Also, does you community allied health organisation run a drop in clinic?
There is another tool to help identify sensory triggers so you know whether to add or remove stimulation, I'll see if I can find it.
Here it is. It's a troubleshooting acronym from Sensational Kids by Lucy Jane Miller:
A SECRET
Attention: Is there a way I can draw my child's attention away from his anxiety? Sensation: Is there a sensation that is alarming my child right now? If so, what is it, and can it be modified? Can I use another sensation to override the alarming one? Emotion: What emotion is my child experiencing, and what techniques do I know that work best when he feels this way? Culture: What part of our family culture (like shopping) can be changed to avoid situations like this in the future? Can I do these things without my child, or can we amend them to be on a smaller scale? Relationships: Is there something in his relationship with me or someone else right now that's causing him to act this way? What can I do about it? Environment: What in the environment is setting my child off? How can I change it? Task: What is troubling my child about the task at hand? How can the task be modified so that it is not so problematic for my child? Is there another task I can substitute now that will provide a calming influence?
I don't know if it will help (we've found it good) but better to have it and not need it. Hopefully it will be empowering.
Im not sure of pressure would help. There was one time he had a melt down like this one, which was triggered by Glenn removing arrows Evan had placed around the house for Santa to find the basket with a letter he put out (in November mind you). Evan responded by punching Glenn in the stomach. To which he was sent to his room. Where he lost it completely. DH was in bed, I had to get him to get up & help me. He tried to calm Evan while I calmed Glenn (he really hurt him) & in that instance the roles where reversed DH was handling it badly so I went in & asked him to go out & I tried to help Evan. I put him on my lap so he was straddling my knees & just tried to hold him close. He fought with such might. But It was all I could think of to do, he was going to hurt himself. He ended up biting me on the arm which left a bruise the size of a mans fist. He also ripped at my ear rings, my hair etc etc.
Once that part of it was over he was extremely hyperactive, obsessing over checking that all his arrows where still where he put them etc.
When he is this way he reacts badly to being touched (so smacking him was the worst thing, mind you this time round he was so caught up in screaming & yelling I don't think he really noticed). But yeah if I was to try & take him by the hand/arm, direct him by placing a hand on his back & "push" him etc he spits venom almost! This is where its hard. He doesn't want to be touched, looked at, spoken too etc.
I did have a little chat with Evan just before. Told him that I love him & that I just get so cranky & even scared when he behaves that way. But im not really cranky at him, Im cranky at myself because I don't know how to help him. He said he was sorry also & that it would have been ok if we had just kept going to the park (he thought thats where we were going on the walk).
Its strange how he focus on what he thinks is the problem. But its not. It wasn't that we said No to the park. It was no more walk someone is going to get hit by a car!
Or earlier today, he got into trouble after I had already said not to use the skipping rope the way he was, he was threading it down from the top bunk between the wall & teh bed & the pulling things back up that Glenn had tied to the bottom. BUT yanking it up against the wall. Which I explained was going to damage the walls. But then later they were doing it again & he got himself caught in it trying to get down off the bed & freaked out thinking he was choking. BUT not seeing I was cranky at doing what I had already asked them not too, he got caught up in Blaming Isla for holding on to it & he was choking. He wasn't choking by the way. He had it stuck around his elbow & it was across his chin.
Eta- thanks Yeddi. I will try & remember that. This time round I have no idea! LOL This is going to be so hard with 5 kids.
Wow what a huge day. Obviously he had issues coping with a "change" in plans (at least in his eyes).
Often I find that M has more issues the more sensory situations she's been in. If I were to take her to Woollies, you can be guaranteed that we would have a meltdown later in the day due to things going not according to her plan. If I took her to an indoor play centre... we'd last around 20 minutes before her anxieties increased enough to have to carry her out. She doesn't cope during school holidays with any enclosed activities, so shops are out, the local hotel which has a playground is out, indoor playcentres are out... we just can't do it. At first I hated it, I felt punished, but now... now I'm relieved that I know what triggers her and can avoid it. Both of us are happier due to the decrease in meltdowns.
IN those situations is M happy to be there though? To begin with? See Evan likes going to play centers & things like that. He can get very silly but its not his anxiety that comes out. Like yesterday, this one place at the RSL has playstations set up. I had to keep telling him to leave them as he was trying to work out how to turn them all on, getting behind the TV etc. Knows no boundaries.
With going for a walk yesterday. We said at the start we are not going to the park. He said OK. BUT then we walked in that direction. So I guess thats where things went wrong.
He wet the bed last night, which I was expecting. He always does after a carry on like that.
How am I going to avoid situations that trigger when I have 4 other kids.
Perhaps you need a way of Evan being able to remove stimulation when he becomes overwhelmed? A certain book or toy or something he likes that he can absorb himself in and ignore everything else? Not sure, but at home you could perhaps try a "time away" teepee (or just basic tent sort of thing made from a sheet) that he can go inside to sort of shut down for a little while. Headphones to block out sound? There might be some more info out there on sensory avoidant behaviour that could help.
My son is sensory seeking so cuddles work really well for him. He still becomes over loaded when out and about so I guess it's the type of sensory stimulation that is the issue? He's really sensory seeking lately- wants his dummy and cuddles all day. I'm going to have to look into some sensory stuff like a weighed vest and the mouth toys I think. We have a vibrating toy that he hates and he doesn't much like other teething toys, only the dummy so I'm not really sure TBH.
The blog is racing along. I still have a million things to write. I think I'm overwhelming myself at the moment with my desperation to "fix" him. Is this a stage of denial do you think? I'm paranoid my second son has sensory issues now too and I feel a like distancing myself a bit. I just don't feel like I can do this.
Oh, and I am SICK TO DEATH of hearing the SAME fricking phrases ALL day. I feel like screaming at the moment. Just say something normal!!!
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. I put him outside & DH ended up going out there with him & basically watched him while he screamed & yelled how he doesn't care about anything, tried his hardest to break anything he could get his hands on etc. All the while I was inside just fuming & telling DH to stop being an audience for him, he is just playing it up because you are watching. They eventually come inside (after about 20 minutes) & Evan is still carrying on. He started screeching in Iains face & pushing at things with is feet (chairs, a couple of stripy bags I have linen in against the wall) trying to push them over etc. I told Simon he needed to take him out of the house before I smack him, I will not tolerate him screaming at the little ones like that (DH was trying to ignore him & was sitting on the computer about a meter from him, I was in the kitchen trying to get dinner sorted). DH needed up taking him into the bathroom & eventually got him to have a shower (Evan is refusing to have baths/showers lately)
you are NOT a terrible mum! We all have days like that. Also, you're only starting out on your journey to find the tools and understand the uniqueness of your son's condition, and at first there is a lot of hit and miss. What works one day might not work another, and unfortunately it takes time and experience to build your arsenal of tricks. It sounds like it is definitely over-stimulation from being at the shops. Outside didn't work this time, it's a better tool for when they are reacting to a lack of stimulus. Perhaps if it happens again, can you try to get your DH to do deep pressure (squishing him between two pillows) making a game out of it. Deep pressure is meant to be calming it might work better at times like that. Even a bear hug could help a lot. What you DH says about a fit is actually how I would describe it too. My DD used to fit for real and she has a very distinctive cry that she only makes after having one, and also after she has calmed down on the occasions when she has gone so off the handle that I've had to restrain her during some meltdowns.
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