Gah need a vent & a cry & a slap up the back of the head!
Evan just had a massive melt down. We had gone for a walk, kids on scooters, evan on bike etc. We got a few streets down & turned back. the kids were not listening, going to far ahead, drifting out on the road etc. Evan LOST IT BIG TIME.
Threw the bike, screamed & carried on all the way back to the house. Get to the house & he was still going ape ****. Ripping at stuff throwing chairs around etc. I told him he had to go outside. He wouldn't just kept screaming at me. I totally lost it with him, handled it terribly, even smacked him . I put him outside & DH ended up going out there with him & basically watched him while he screamed & yelled how he doesn't care about anything, tried his hardest to break anything he could get his hands on etc. All the while I was inside just fuming & telling DH to stop being an audience for him, he is just playing it up because you are watching. They eventually come inside (after about 20 minutes) & Evan is still carrying on. He started screeching in Iains face & pushing at things with is feet (chairs, a couple of stripy bags I have linen in against the wall) trying to push them over etc. I told Simon he needed to take him out of the house before I smack him, I will not tolerate him screaming at the little ones like that (DH was trying to ignore him & was sitting on the computer about a meter from him, I was in the kitchen trying to get dinner sorted). DH needed up taking him into the bathroom & eventually got him to have a shower (Evan is refusing to have baths/showers lately)
Evan eventually calmed down till it was time to come out when he started again but not to the same extent. He is now sitting eating dinner watching TV.

DH went off at me a bit about how I handled it. He said I need to remember its in illness not something he is doing on purpose but I can't help but feel that when he starts that he is playing on it to some extent. Dh said he thinks its like a fit. Which deep down, I know he isn't playing it up. I am just trying to justify my own bad behaviour really. I am ashamed of myself for handling it so badly. I did nothing to help, I just made it worse.

I don't know what to do.

Today we went to the shops, had a play in the playground there & then went & had lunch at the RSL club where there is also an indoor play thing. BUT we have been into the shops the last 2 or 3 days in a row. Where he has acted up more & more each time. But he was "ok" today in comparison but then this hours later...

Can I go to a OT off my own back or do I need to be referred? He obviously has sensory issues & I am doing NOTHING at all to help him when he hits overload. I feel awful, lost & like I need a good punch int eh face for being such a terrible mum