Age gaps between siblings

**visitor1** · April 21st, 2008, 05:06 PM

Whilst reading through May issue of ABA Essence magazine i came across and article on ages gaps and found this quote:

Some experts suggest that there should be no less then 3 years between each child. this view has also been expressed by Dr Elliot Barker, director of the Canandian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Br Barker notied that 'It requires an enormous amount of time and energy on the part of both parents to adequately nurture one child under the age of three. Spacing children is one inportant thing that parents can do to prevent the exhaustion that occurs when well-intentioned parents take on the very difficult task of trying to meet the emotional needs of closely spaced children.

For me this is an insult. My girls are less then 11 months apart and i give them 110% of my time regardless how tired or exhausted i am. DH works full time and still does not let anything interfere with raising our girls. Yes its hard with 2 young kids...but i sure as hell would never ever change it (if i could).

Is it saying 'If you have your kids close then your silly as they cant have their needs met correctly'? Thats how it has come across to me.

Im offended a bit from this story but was after other peoples views.

**~Trish~** · April 21st, 2008, 05:53 PM

Hmmm...when do children stop needing nurturing? As you know Kim, my DS1 is 3 1/2 years old and he still needs lots of our love and attention. So why is 3 the magic age? We need to give all of our children nurturing no matter what age, so really, what difference does it make how far apart in age they are?

I suppose the closer in age your children are the more demand there is on mum and dad, but if you think you're up for it then why wait? We did purposefully leave a 3 year age gap, but I think we are unusual lol!

**visitor1** · April 21st, 2008, 05:56 PM

Im nearly 26 and still like nuturing from my parents now and then..LOL

I could not imagine waiting that long for the next child. But thats me. I respect others who wait that long or those who have fertility issues and falling pregnant in a snap isnt an option.

**~Trish~** · April 21st, 2008, 06:01 PM

My mum still nurtures me LOL!

I wasn't ready for another bub for a long time and I really wanted to feel ready before we went ahead.

**StrawberryMumma** · April 21st, 2008, 06:09 PM

Don't worry about it Kim. You have your views, they have theirs. Not worth letting it get to you IMO. You know whether or not you are meeting your girls needs, so ignore those opinions since they offend you.

**LuluHB** · April 21st, 2008, 06:26 PM

I agree with Lee - just another one of those articles that is bound to p*ss off a whole heap of people - me included given I'm about to have girls 12 months apart so I'm basically in your shoes Kim. I have no doubt whatsoever that it will be exhausting raising what are effectively two babies (pregnancy and raising one baby has been hard enough), but I don't doubt for a second that both my children will be well loved and their needs met more than adequately. I think its the same as the people that come out and give working mums such a hard time - we all do what we have to do for whatever reason (me having babies close is because I'm an old chook and have run out of time!) and its not appropriate for there to be a blanket statement made that one way or another is wrong. I have a SIL who with a 9 and 7 year old has just gone back to have another baby. Personally I think she's nuts - just at the stage where her boys are a bit independent and she and her DH can claim a bit of "us" time back but instead they're starting again with nappies and 24/7 dependancy.

So long as our children are loved, who cares how, why or when we do it.

**mrsmac** · April 21st, 2008, 07:25 PM

I think its different for everyone, I like my gaps and have felt that I have fully enjoyed each bub but then again sometimes having a toddler and a teenager feels like sheer stupiduty!!!
Don't let it bug you Kim, everyone has a gap that they feel comfortable with and who cares what the so called experts say.

**Rouge** · April 21st, 2008, 07:26 PM

Seriously don't waste your time stressing over these things. I'm sure they have a point but then I'm sure there are benefits for being close together too. You have a family dynamic that works for you and you don't need to let someone elses opinion question that. Its just an article, don't stress it. If I got offended at every thing that seemed to be pointing the finger at me I would always be offended about something. Not worth it, redirect that energy into your beautiful family and know you are doing whats right for you, regardless of the advice that is out there for others. And remember what might seem offensive to you may be very helpful to someone else. Its all relative. So don't stress over it

**BellyBelly** · April 21st, 2008, 07:37 PM

I dont find it insulting, I have had my two 2.5 years apart and managed okay, but it was also hard with Marisa but I think it was more her personality. There is so much out there that agrees with what we do and some doesn't, I really don't feel phased by it as it's not attacking anyone, just someone's opinion like everything else... I agree with Cailin don't waste precious energy or stress over it.

I guess these experts need to spend time studying all sorts of things and come to an 'average' conclusion... not a conclusion thats 100% applicable - never seen a study that applies to 100%.

**Willow** · April 21st, 2008, 07:50 PM

I read the article today too and it actually does point out some benefits of having children close together too. I thought it was pretty balanced

I can understand why you may have been offended by that first quote though Kim.

**shellbell3** · April 21st, 2008, 08:49 PM

Don't let it offend you like mentioned everyone has there opinions. I don't think there is any right or wrong way, there are always pros and cons for both. Just gotta be up to the parents to decide what will suit there family.

**MantaRay** · April 21st, 2008, 08:54 PM

Kim, my boys were 19 months apart and that doesn't offend me. TBH I think it's true to a point. I can see where Tom has been slower to do things, is a thumb sucker, and seems to need constant reassurance. Part of this could be genetic, but I think it's also partly due to me having less one on one time with him when he was a baby. I also know that at times I have been far less patient with them both, than I would have been with just one child under 3 to look after.

But by the same token, I can also see the joy the boys get from each other, how they light up when they see each other, how Tom learns so much from Jack and thinks the sun shines out of him. I can also see that spreading kids out for me would also have made me an older mum second time around, and therefore probably less patient anyway.

So bascially I think it's swings and roundabouts. Pros and cons. There is no one right way, there are just different ways. And certainly my boys have missed out on some things, but boy have they gained in others. And I wouldn't change a thing.

**visitor1** · April 21st, 2008, 09:02 PM

Thanks everyone...you all make some great points. I agree...every article will get up some ones nose somehow. We all do things that work for us...and im glad i have done what i choose to do!

Perhaps i read into it a bit to deep....my fault. I guess because i got *punished and bullied* by soooooo many people when i fell pregnant so soon...its a topic close to my heart.

**Willow** · April 21st, 2008, 09:10 PM

Perhaps i read into it a bit to deep....my fault. I guess because i got *punished and bullied* by soooooo many people when i fell pregnant so soon...its a topic close to my heart.

That's so understandable Kim

I'm not much of a fan of the subject matter myself - we wanted our children close together but lost our second baby and then had to go through IVF to conceive L so we ended up with a bigger gap than we wanted and sometimes I really feel it.

**Trillian** · April 21st, 2008, 09:11 PM

Don't worry about it Kim, its easy enough to do. You're happy so what some dude says in a magazine article has nothing to do with you.

BTW - you're not pg again are you?

**visitor1** · April 21st, 2008, 09:21 PM

BTW - you're not pg again are you?

Not yet...gimme a month or 2...maybe...

**Trillian** · April 21st, 2008, 09:27 PM

hehe, just checking

**tan32** · April 21st, 2008, 09:37 PM

I am at the other end of the scale with 4 yrs 11 months between my first 2 and now 4 yrs 9 months between this bub and my middle.
Children need nuturing no matter what age they are, my 9 yr old still needs as much of me as my 4 yr old does but of course they are different needs.
I never intended on having such a large gap between our children but fetility issues saw this happening, we have copped flack for having such a big gap between our babies.
But it doesnt bother me, my babies are all loved the same and they love each other very much, to me they are brother and sister and age doesnt factor into it.