Changing your parenting style...

[Arimeh]

Hi, just wondering if anyone else out there has gone through stages of different styles of parenting? I have written a few posts about my little... gorgeous... monster... and last time, came to the conclusion that if he was whingy and clingy I would pick him up anytime he wanted, go outside if he wanted to etc etc etc. So I got myself a Bubba Moe and have been lugging him around - even did the vacuuming with him on my back (and growing bub in belly on the front). Not very comfortable but did it. But I don't actually know if this is doing anything??
Over the last week, he has seemed a bit better in going and doing his own thing, and playing by himself for about two minutes (which is huge in my eyes - wasn't doing that before) but he has always always been grumpy when waking up - and I'm talking about non stop crying, fussing, screaming, screeching - the whole lot - every time he wakes up. He is down to one nap a day now (his choice) and will mostly only sleep for an hour.
Today he woke up after an hour sleep. Then he cracked it BIG TIME. I really really needed to pee, and so I took him to the toilet with me (highly unco-ordinated event I must say!!) and he screamed on my lap, and then I had to put him down to.. well.. finish up.. and HE SCREAMED. So I just left the room. So he cried all the way down to the loungeroom and just kept on screaming. I got so frustrated that I (embarrassingly) threw a toy at him (which missed luckily) and I thought to myself.. what the hell am I doing??!? I'm the adult here!!!! So I picked up all his toys, all whilst he was crying behind me... and then started shooting baskets with his basketball and hoop set. I think I counted to 25 in before he came over with a toy and wanted to play as well.
So I'm thinking - should I change parenting style and not comfort every time he gets up? I mean, he usually doesn't calm down for about half an hour when he wakes up anyway - but doing it this way, it only took about 15 minutes. (I don't know WHY he wakes up so grumpy - must take after his father I guess)
So would it be bad to ignore the tantrums and start doing things that I know he likes doing, ie shooting baskets, playing with the xylophone etc?
I eventually put him back to bed because he didn't co-operate over lunch and was being a real little turd, so I just put him back to bed (before murder entered my brain!!! )
Has anyone considered doing this approach and did it work with a 14 and a half month old??

Thanks in advance.
Oh, and please don't be critical of what I have said about my treatment of him this afternoon. I'm not in the best of moods!!!!

[DoubleK]

i am going through a similar situation, however Krystal is almost 2.. so there is abit of an age difference.

she is constantly in the pantry, fridge or toilet. and i mean constantly if i tell her no, she will yell and scream, to the point where i feel like walking straight out the front door (bit of background - Krystal has never ever been a crier, even as a baby, she never cried for more than maybe 5-10 minutes and that was a hungry cry.. so for me, crying/screaming is hard to cope with!)

over the last 2-3 days i have been wondering should i ignore what she is doing, rather than say 'Krystal, close the fridge' 'krystal, come out of the toilet' over and over?
should i move her myself without actually saying anything to her and then say 'would you like to do some drawing' etc ?
should i just keep going as i am, but i feel that is not working..

sorry if im not much help, but i understand how you feel. perhaps giving it a go, being persistent and consistent in what you do in response to his tantrums might help!!

good luck with it!

[Arimeh]

Thanks Rach. Its hard to know if what you are doing is going to lead to counselling down the track or not!!! haha!!!!
You are lucky - mine has always been a huge crier and always drove me insane with his screaming. I think he's just put here to drive me crazy!!!!! He fell back asleep now - on and off whinging for about 10 minutes - but if he is asleep, then I'm happy...
Tell ya what, I never realised how little patience I actually had until I had a child. I thought I was a more laid back kinda person (and I am with everything else in life) but he just pushes the wrong buttons I think!!!!! I am trying to be a little more laid back and not care if he gets the soy sauce out of the cupboard and pretends to drink it, or puts all the cans and stuff out of the cupboard onto the floor, I'm looking past that, because he is entertaining himself, and thats huge.
But still don't know if I'm looking at this the right way, or if I'm totally off track and going to screw him up!!! Or screw up the next one!! argghhhh....

[Jennifer13]

Mel, I'm sure most mothers have been in your position and at least FELT like throwing the toy even if they didn't do it!

What I find works for Lucy is to be really excited about whatever it is I am trying to do to distract her. Rather than say, get out of there, stop that, give her an exciting alternative. I've always found 'No' less effective. So I say 'Let's read a book/Oh, can you see the birds outside/whatever' in a really excited tone of voice and jump up and down about it a bit myself. I felt like a bit of a goose the first couple of times but littlies seem to respond to big gestures much better.

At Aricyn's age I would think that distraction is probably more effective than trying intense discipline. Everything is over so quickly when you're his age!

[sushee]

I consider myself a gentle parent, but being gentle doesn't mean not being firm either. Mel, personally at almost 15 months, your boy isn't trying to manipulate you when he cries - developmentally he is honestly too young to realise that screaming upsets you - he only knows that he is upset, and that he counts on you to make him feel better. It may seem like he's pushing all your buttons, but he's cranky because he feels bad. I suspect the reason the basketball thing worked was because you managed to distract him from feeling bad and made it fun for him. Great job and something you now know you can incorporate in the mornings that works to help him get over whatever it is that's upsetting him. Sometimes comfort is about mummy distracting instead of cuddles, and a great gentle parenting tool.

Rach, your little girl is at an age when tantrums are common. Charlie gets so worked up he screams for so long that I'm certain by the end, he can't remember what he's upset about. But it's them not being able to deal with those big, big feelings they're experiencing, and often the best way to deal with it is with firmness and consistency. So if she's doing something you don't want her to do, ask her once, and if she persists, remove her from the area and if she chucks a tantrum, stay close, hug her if she will allow you to, and allow her to work through it. Your calmness, presence and consistency will teach her how to deal with her emotions and learn how to manage them. It's going to be distressing for you to watch her cry, but being there for her will teach her that you are not leaving her, she can still depend on you, but she will need to learn how to deal with her feelings. And she will learn as she develops. This is milestone in development for her. If you can get your hands on it, try reading 'The Science of Parenting'. It explains in plainspeak what developmental stages your child's brain goes through, and makes sense of why they behave the way they do at different times of their lives.

Most of all, remember that you are amazing, responsive parents who are examples to your children as to how they should behave. Your presence and love will make them feel secure, yet teach them the boundaries that they need to learn how to function in the world. You're doing fabulous jobs, girls.

[krysalyss]

Hi Aricyns mum,
I really liked Sushis post.

As a parent, I believe it is our job to show our children that we can bounce back from disappointments/hurts etc. This doesn't only mean cuddles. By getting him to focus on something he likes and enjoys shows him that the world hasn't ended, and you were right there by his side. It isn't as if you gave him a toy he liked and left him to it. I think helping our children to become resilient requires different approaches at different times. So, I think do what works. As he gets older you will be able to incorporate words and explanations more but for the moment, leading by example is likely to be most effective.
I think you did well.

[morgan78]

Big i know how you feel my darling little angel has decided to sulk every time i have to do anything for his sister and yep tantrums over nothing. I did find around that age - of your DS - that if he had a sleep in the arvo he would wake up and scream & cry for ages & he wouldn't accept cuddles, distractions or anything even now if he sleeps after 1pm he cracks it. I have found by eliminating additives, colours and sugar - except fruit - that he is much calmer & almost no tantrums - yesterday the receptionist at the Dr's gave he a tiny choc egg and 5 mins later he was revolting.
I hope you had a better afternoon and GL with trying a new tatic is sounds like a good one

[Arimeh]

Thanks for your support guys, I really appreciate your comments.
Sushee - he may not know how to manipulate, but he's got pushing the boundaries down pat!! He knows that he's not allowed to do things - ie, put rocks into his mouth that he could potentially choke on, but he does it when we are watching him.. and makes a game out of it... so I've got a three strikes and you're out tactic going on there!!! It's hard with your first to know what they do understand and what they don't cos they sure seem to know the things that upset you the most!!!!!
He has been a bit better since waking up from the second half of his daily sleep, and DH will be home in an hour... that gives me something to look forward to!!!! haha!!!!

Thanks again guys

[sushee]

aw Mel, I sure do know that even at his age, he knows to do something that will get a reaction out of mummy and daddy! Lol! Charlie even gets what I call his 'mischief' face if he knows he's not supposed to do it, but does it anyway because it'll mean mum will flip!

Don't worry hun, you're doing great by the sounds of it.

[Bathsheba]

Fantastic post Sush! I also highly recommend the Science of Parenting.

Regarding changing parenting styles: I have regrets at how I parented my eldest (13yo DD) compared to how I parent my boys now. I really wish I had been calmer, more subtle in my reactions to bad behaviour instead of yelling and throwing tanties myself 5 minutes into a conflict. Now she is a drama queen and quite brutal when it comes to expressing her frustrations at the boys for example. You really realise how much of your personality they inherit when they get to their teens.... actually from about age 5 LOL. All your sins come back to haunt you. I don't mean to worry you. All's not lost. I hope you can make the changes you feel you need to make darl... you will see the benefits... maybe not immediately... but eventually. Distraction is your best weapon at this point i think.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Mason went through a similar stage of being upset when waking up. I eventually got prepared!!! I would deliberalty be doing something really great when he woke up screamimng. I'd take him out of his cot, and, knowing cuddles will not work, put him ( for example)on the kitchen floor while mixing a cake, oohhing and aahhing the whole time, and tasting batter. He soon learnt to come join in and have fun, not sit and cry!!! After shooting the hoops, maybe this sort of distraction would work for you. having something ready to go thats inticing just may start to work!!!

[Arimeh]

Bath - the science of parenting huh... hmmm... might have to look into that.. cos I sure as hell have no idea what i'm doing here!!!!!! I hope I'll do better on the next one

Jodie - you always seem to have advice for me when I'm biatching about my son.. truly you must think that I'm the most awful mother!!!!! (Either that or just have a difficult son!!!) haha!!! He likes taking things out of the cupboard - which he is doing at the moment.. he has the alcohol out.. hmm... now.. if only I wasn't pregnant...

[Pretty Butterfly]

I certainly dont think your an awful mum!!!! Maybe i've just had too many kids!!!!

[Bathsheba]

I agree with that Jodie: with each child that I've had the more understanding and the less judgmental I've become. Each child is challenging in their own way... and dealing with 3 children who are being challenging at the same time is ummm... a learning experience too!

[Rouge]

Totally agree. Being gentle doesn't mean that the child knows whats best Sometimes mummy's and daddy's have to show kids that we do know best, after all this is our job! I believe in firm but fair, I'm not a walk over but my kids aren't yelled at, belittled or disempowered. Consistancy and love are most important. And I do say no and its ok! But even in situations where I do say no or don't comply with tantrums I still communicate.

As for changing your parenting style, I do it on a daily basis. Nothing I do is set in stone, if something I'm doing doesn't work then I try something else. But my fundamentals are still the same

[fionas]

Cuddles don't really work on my seven-month-old (except in the middle of the night) so goodness knows what she's going to be like when she reaches toddlerhood! Distraction, however, works a treat so I'll be sticking with that.

As for pulling stuff out like DVDs etc. I just let her go for it and will do until it really irks me; then it's my responsibility to put stuff where she can't get to it until she's old enough to really understand that she's not meant to. My gut feeling is that 2 isn't old enough - 3 maybe, possibly older.

I've seen parents who seem to spend their whole day doing nothing but saying to their very young kids "no, don't do that". They never seem to have fun together. I don't want to be like that.

So I think you're doing the right thing - have fun, choose your battles and then when you say "no" it's not something your kid's heard all day and they're much more likely to take notice. This worked a treat on my niece and nephew who lived with us for a month.

[Arimeh]

Fiona - We started telling DS from really early not to touch the CD's or DVD's and he has only faltered a couple of times - so luckily we hardly ever have to tell him no for that.. if we do, I try to say no.. they're not yours, pick up something of his and say "wow!!!! look at this.... lets play" that kind of stuff.

He hears no all the time, but its not all directed at him... we say no to the cats and dogs a lot too!!! haha!!!!!

Jodie - I think you are doing a great job with that many kids - I'm in total awe of you. I struggle with just the one!!!!!

Bath & Cai - thanks

[Emma1979]

i ignore any sign of a tantrum with my 12 month old... she has a temper and does high pitched squealing teamed with kicking out the arms and legs, and i have decided from day dot i'm not going to react to it.... so i just ignore it and go about what i was doing and use a a normal calm voice.... i want to teach her that she won't get anything by acting that way, although i realise it wont be instant, i figure its best to start the way i mean to continue....

she is pretty good at not touching things she isnt allowed to, ie the heater etc, a stern UH UH UH NO stops her in her tracks so i guess we are lucking in that respect... i know other kids just get into everything no matter what you do... she has always stopped when we have told her to, since about 8 months old. thats been one pleasant surprise, i was prepared for everything to get ruined, maybe it will happen when she's two!?

as for changing parenting styles, yep, been there... gone from contolled crying, to almost attachment style, back to somewhere in between... i change as the circumstances change... also the age she is at now, i realise she is starting to do a lot of things to test me.... she has started crying and screaming again when she gets put in her cot, and the first few nights i got her up and watched a dvd with her feeling sorry for her thinking something was wrong, and she fell asleep with me on the couch, but then i realised she was playing me, so now its bedtime and no exceptions, unless she's unwell. its so easy to get caught up in doing anything to not let them cry, but sometimes its a case of mummy knows best! its been a shock that she's not such a baby anymore, and there is a little mischievious mind ticking away in there... ohhhh but she looks so innocent!!