"Daddy Hurts Me"

[Daydream Believer]

I dont think you should have to justify your method of discipline, whether it is smacking a child or sitting them in a corner. As long as they are getting disciplined when they are doing something wrong. If the method of none/little discipline is taken they generally turn out to be teenagers and adults that have no respect for their elders/authority. Being my age I have grown up with people in both boats and have seen the difference.

As much as some people say smacking your child,is illegal, it is not. As long as you are not beating your child(my mum is a cop & I made her look it up)

Im sorry if I have offended anyone, this is just my opinion.

[summerluven]

I don't really have any advice to offer, I think some of the other ladies have offered some good advice for you. I am sure that she is just trying to get attention (I wont tell you some of the corkers I used to come out with!), it is a bit hard on your poor DH though. I would be terribly upset if my children were saying things like this about my DH, he wouldn't hurt a fly!

I hope your mummy daughter talk goes well and that it makes a difference. And I hope DH doesn't take it too hard, the poor bugger.

[Kazmar]

Nessa kids say some strange things. And i understand that strangers that she may say this 2 may jump 2 conclusions and it can cause problems.
Im not very experienced in motherhood but 2 b honest with u i was a kid not that long ago and know that i would do anything 4 attention espeacially if mummy was pg and new bubs was getting attention. Im sure u sprend the attention evenly and will continue 2 do so when that beautiful baby arrives, but it does sound like a fantastic idea 2 have a chat with her, she is only young and does not understand the importance of what she's saying but "The boy who cryed wolf" was a great suggestion and was used on me when i was about 7yrs old and worked!
Also id try and see if she can see it as a "hurting daddy's feelings." Sort of thing? And maybe a good time 2 talk 2 her about knowing the difference between disciplin and knowing when 2 speak up if someone was really abusing her. Tough age though i hope all goes well.

[mrscricket]

Nessa i don't have any advice (DS is only 6 months old so have all this to look forward to!) but wanted to share a little story. My sister was shopping with my niece and accidently ran into her with the trolley - result was lots of tears, cuddles etc - then all was fine and forgotten...until the next 6 times they went shopping my niece would scream at the top of her lungs "Please don't hit me mummy!" - results was lots of gasps of horror and dirty looks from fellow shoppers. Didn't matter that she meant 'please dont hit me with the trolley'. She sounds a lot like your daughter, in that she remembers everything. My niece eventually just stopped doing it. Good luck with everything - you and your DH sound like wonderful parents x

[sushee]

Nessa,

this is a hard one, because what she's done is said what she perceives to be true, that he hurt her. It's not that he hurt her badly, or even that it was particularly painful, just that he did. I don't expect at her age she understands the social taboo of it, just that the first time she said it, she probably got a great reaction, so she would naturally try to keep getting that reaction. I agree with Christine that ignoring it wouldn't help (it's likely that the reactions she is after doesn't come from you anyway) but perhaps a little mummy/daughter chat to let her know that saying what she does, despite it being true in her mind, makes people think that her daddy is a bad daddy. And daddy isn't really a bad daddy, is he?

I don't know :P I guess you'd be in the best position to know how to get through to her. But do realise she's only expressing how she feels, even if it's not necessarily the right words. Good luck, parents just can't win no matter what we do sometimes.

[*Nessa*]

well i had a word to her team leader in her daycare room and asked if she had mentioned anything.

Apparently she had mention that daddy hurt her and when she was asked why she told them daddy smacked her cause she was naughty and pushed Annika. So they are not worried about it in the least.

which i suppose is a good thing. They said unfort kids do say these things are are often not what they come out to be.

Am still going to have the chat with little miss tonight and try and spend more mummy time with her just us. Its hard but will try harder to fit it in.

[bellelass]

I remember when I went through a phase like that my mother would look at me blandly and say something like "Well, are you bleeding? Do you have a broken bone? Then get over it." And I did.

[*Ang*]

When I was 4 and in kindy I used to bruise alot (as kids do) so my teacher sat me down and asked me some questions. I then proceeded to tell her that my parents tied me up and beat me with a stick which is something they had never ever done. My mum was a teacher at the same school and along with my father was bought into a meeting with the principal and a social worker - they were mortally embarressed. Thank goodness it was established pretty quickly that I was making it up!

SO what I am trying to say is that a lot of kids tell white lies in the hope of possibly getting attention, I am sure your daughter Nessa is not the first to have done so. I think the idea of having a good chat to her about the consequences of not quite telling the truth is a great idea and also about the book. She is just expressing what she feels but she needs to understand that there are perhaps other ways of saying things.

At least her daycare teachers realised pretty quickly what was going on too. Good luck with dealing with it.

[~StarBright~]

well there you go nessa, i think she is not only understanding WHY she is being punished, but she is telling the truth when asked. i think its all ok, if anyone does suspect anything more sinister they will very quickly discover nothing suss is going on... i still think a little mummy daughter chat might be good- maybe even to talk about ho maybe she doesnt like being smacked and maybe if she stops doing the naughty things it wont happen anymore IYKWIM.

Good luck nessa!!

[MrsFabuloso]

Nessa, it's so hard when kids say things like this. Their perception of things is so different from ours. Maybe when she does get a smack, tell her why in no uncertain term. T he only thing I could think of is tell her exatly what she did wrong and that a smack is the consequence, every time she gets a smack. You might already do it...
I think one thing you night need to be aware of though is that at her day care, even though her carer said they don't really take much notice of it, probably since they know your family fairly well, there may be other carers who do, like a casual worker, or a student teacher. I am a childcare worker and the first instinct in me when a kid says anything along the lines of what she is telling people is to document it. It is also a childcare worker's responsibility to report any kind of suspected mistreatment of children in thier care. . If she says it a few times to the same person ,then that would be grounds for them to report. Even if she said it to another parent at her childcare centre. Maybe if she got the attention she might be suseptible to embellishing a little if they react the right way for her. We are also not really allowed to question children if they say anything like this to us. So if they are doing it the 'right' way then a chidcare worker can only make non-leading comments then document and take further notice of the child and any other comments they might make.
This is a tricky situation for you. She is old enought to realise the consequences of actions, so telling her why she got a smack is probably the only way to get her to understand. Maybe even if you tell her that it makes you/daddy feel sad/ hurt when she tells people that he hurts her, because they can think the wrong thing about him. I dont know!!!
Good luck.

[*Nessa*]

am waiting for my youngest to go to bed so we can chat.

This has me really worried that something bad will come out of it. I dont want to have to have a social worker come and visit me. I dont want anyone to take my kids

[MrsFabuloso]

Oh hun, noone will take them off you. They have no proof and if it became so serious that they thought it may warrant further investigation, they would probably have you assessed by a social worker or psycologist. They would then see that it is just an almost four year olds little imagination working overtime.

[*Nessa*]

Ok well we had our chat.

I tried to make it as simple as can be. I told her that her daddy loves her very much and it really makes him sad when she says that about him.

I also told her that daddy only smacks when she has done something naughty and if she doesnt do naughty things then she wont get a smack.

I tried explaining to her as well that accidents happen and when that does no one means to hurt her as they said they were sorry.

I have also told her that if she tells these things to people that daddy might get in trouble and she said she didnt want daddy to get into trouble.

Thats really as far as i got with her cause i didnt want to overload her. Will try and keep up the small chats with her to try and get her to understand as its alot for her to take in.

[Nadine216]

I tend to agree with StarBright and MistyFying
Try and explain why she is being smacked and what she did to "deserve" having a tap on the bottom. I also think it's a good idea to help her to tell the whole story, like for instance she tells the cashier at the shop that daddy hurt her. Ask her to tell the cashier WHAT daddy did. She will then probably say that he hit her bottom. Then ask her WHY did daddy smack her. The she will hopefull (I say hopefully, because if not explained and understanded, it could turn on you ) say because I pinched my sister. Strange situation avoided and explained. That will only work if you explain to her that she is getting a hiding because she pinch her sister for no reason and that pinching is unexeptable.
That is how I was raised and at some point we became aware that after telling ppl that daddy hurt me, he spanked me because I hit my sister with a wet towel, is embarresing, because I (the one doing the initial hitting) was in the wrong, kwim?? You don't go blab the whole world that you got a speeding ticket because you were drunk, kwim? Stupid thing to compare with, but I am sure you get the picture.
I am for a smack (firm slap on the bottom - NEVER IN THE FACE) when it is done in love and explained properly.

ETA - Did not realise there are a page 2!!!! SORRY!!!!

[DoubleK]

i think what you said was great Nessa! well done!

maybe you can keep reminding her when things happen - a smack or an accident.. just so she remembers!

[Bathsheba]

Similar situation here: We used to give our DD the occasional smack... mainly when she was young (3/4yo) until one day when she was about 8 she realised that many adults thought it was wrong to smack. So when DH got really angry with her one day (and she thought that he was going to smack her) she ran out the front of the house and stood on the nature strip yelling at the top of her lungs:
"YOU'RE GOING TO SMACK ME!!! DAD'S GOING TO SMACK ME!!!".
You can imagine how mortified we were. for all the neighbours to hear. Thankfully no one said anything if they heard her. I look back now and laugh but geeeze. So, I guess all parents who smack have to accept that this is a different day and age to when we were kids. These days kids learn their "rights" (justified or not) very young. I know that a well timed smack can do wonders... but now I am convinced that there has to be a better way. We haven't smacked our sons and i think it's been for the better. just my opinion. I don't judge those that smack (in a calm controlled manner) but I just had to share my story because I think it's going to be the way of the future: kids will take advantage of any opportunity they can get to regain control. Maybe it's better to remind them that they can regain control in other ways?

[Lulu]

At our house -

DS - DADDY HURT ME!!!
Me - Oh dear, what happened?
DS - I hit Bethy on the head with my truck waaaaah!

No we don't smack often .

I think you did a fine job talking to DD, you didn't overload her, but I would leave it at that - why?
Here's why! After giving DD (then about 4) the Stranger Danger lecture, she filed my words away in her little sponge-like brain. I told her that yelling whilst being dragged off by a stranger may not work and to say loudly "you're not my mummy!".

Six months later at the shops, DD didn't want to leave. I grabbed her hand to go and my words came right back to haunt me - NO NO, LEAVE ME ALONE - YOU'RE NOT MY MUMMY! In front of about 50 people. Excellent. 10 years later she still thinks it's funny.......

[DoubleK]

oh dear, im not looking forward to these moments at all!!