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No! Not once DH went back to work, unless bub woke when he was up already (he has 4 am starts quite often).
I am fine with this however as DH drives a lot for work and I would worry that he could lose concentration. He comes home exhausted enough as it is.
Weekends and holidays are different though and I ask him to help.
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Leasha... You are definately not alone matey. My DF works at night so I have no choice in the matter, but when he is home during the day he doesn't help either so I kinda feel like a single mummy.
I try telling him how I feel and he makes an effort for a day or two and then it's back to square one again.
It's really hard seeing your parnter toddle off to bed knowing they are not going to have broken sleep.
Sorry I can't offer any solution hun, but just to let you know you aren't alone in this situation. Take care xx
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You are not alone
But, in saying that, he does try to help on weekends with the day nap settling, as DS can be a HUGE pain with that, and he did take a day off work on Monday to give me a "day-off" too.
But, with the nights, I knew going into this that that was going to have to be something I did alone. And every night, I say to DS, as I kiss him goodnight,... please let mummy get some sleep tonight... I am sure one day it will work.
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Hey Leash,
My DF has never got up in the middle of the night, as DS is exclusively BF, so never that much point. And in fairness to DF, I've never expected him to do get up, as he's the one who has to go to work to earn the $$. Although having said that working is a much easier gig than being a mum. And I'm def not saying that this is how everyone should be, it's absolutely a "me" thing. But, when he's home he does heaps of nappy changing, and spends plenty of time playing with DS so that I get some opportunity to do things with two hands. And he pretty much always does the bath time. So even though I'm the overnight person, at all other times it's equal commitment & contribution IYKWIM. One exception to the not getting up in the night time is when we've had spews - he has always helped out with this. And willingly too.
I know that it's very hard to judge a relationship from the outside, even more so when it's just on a forum like this, but it does sound to me that Shel has a pretty selfish streak running through her ATM, as if she thinks she can pick & choose the parenting bits she wants to do. It may also be that she's not quite sure what her parenting role is exactly, in that she's not the "mum" like you are, but she's not the Dad either. I don't mean this in a bad way, I guess that there's just not that many same sex parents out there to really automatically understand how it all fits together, unlike normal hetero couples who have a more clear cut mum/dad model to follow, so your journey as a parenting couple is possibly a little harder to sort out in a way? Although this is me just trying to find a nicer way to look at her behaviour, mostly I think she's just being self-centred.
It does get eaiser with bubs though, so the tiredness fog will slowly clear a little. Maybe not completely, but you do get used to the pattern a bit more as time goes on.
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Dh would always get up and still does...if im up he is up too to help.
BellyBelly Member
Mine doesn't / didn't....not so much because he won't but because we just decided over time that it didn't work.
We found that with him working the next day all that resulted was two tired and feral people instead of one. Because even on the times he was getting up, I was still waking up anyway.
And with breastfeeding it just seemed a bit pointless waking him up for the sake of changing a nappy when I had to get up and feed anyway.
It's hard to find a balance Leasha but you will work it out eventually, and Shell will take on other responsibilites as Jazz gets older. I think with newborns especially alot seems to fall on mum (not making excuses for her or anyone else's other half lol, it's just biology I guess).
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Agree one hundred %!DH and I are firm believers that parenting is a "shared" thing and not just for all the fun, happy, positive times either.
ETA - I'm just curious, have you had the discussion where you ask Shel what things would be like if the shoe was on the other foot, and she'd been the one to carry Jazz and give birth to her? Maybe that could help her to understand things from your point of view?
Last edited by AnyDream; September 26th, 2008 at 11:20 AM.
BellyBelly Member
DH & I agreed before having kids that he would get up one night a week for me to let me "sleep through". It actually happened by mistake because we were talking with someone (cant remember who now, may have been his family?) & it came up about parenting etc etc & he said "Oh when we have kids I'll be giving Danielle a night off, it's only fair, it's both our children". He said it to look good but it back-fired when the time came around for us to have a baby & I reminded him of his promise for my "night off".
He wasn't happy but I made him stick to it, well for most of the time he has. He still complains about it & will often get me up to settle DD or DS back to sleep because they "wont settle for him". I also still have to wake him to get up to Tobias as he sleeps through it most of the time, so i dont ever get my whole night to sleep through.
He often starts saying on the Friday night before bedtime (his night to get up) that he's not feeling well or something along those lines so if he doesn't feel like getting up he'll use that excuse. I simply reply "Damn thats gonna suck when you have to get up to Tobias tonight". He quickly miraculously (sp?) recovers!
When DS arrived DH was obviously hoping to get out of the Friday night get ups. I got home from hospital on the Thursday & on the Friday night before bed I told him I'll push the bassinette around to his side of the bed. He asked what for. I told him "It's Friday night.... your night". He said "Oh, are we still doing that?" Ummm yeah! He rolled his eyes & huffed & puffed with his tanty (infront of my sisterhehe) but I made him keep it up.
I often find myself reminding him that the kids are BOTH of ours, not just mine who he gets to show off when it suits him.
It is just a cop out when they say "He/she wont settle for me" blah blah blah. It drives me INSANE!!!! Wouldn't that be the life, being able to have a child when it suits you but when it all gets too hard someone else will setlle it for you & do all the hard work for you.
Anyway, sorry I've gone on & on but its a sore topic here too.
I suggest you sit down with Shel calmly & explain to her how you're feeling & try to work out a time that she can give you a break. Even if its in the afternoon once a week, she could take Jazz for a walk in the pram for an hour or so while you have a nap or a bath or whatever you want to do, but I believe you definately need a break.
Good luck getting through to her hun.
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DP would/will get up nights where he doesn't have to be at work the next morning ie. Friday/Saturday OR if there has been a spew etc to help clean up (I'm really, reallly bad with vomit).
However, when i also went back to work this had to change as I couldn't be tired all the time either so it went back to being a shared thing. The good thing with DP's job is he gets heaps of carers leave so he always stays home with DD if she is sick
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DH doesnt get up....
Well at the start he did and i told him that there was NO point in him doing so.
He works and so has to be on the ball in the morning, where as i dont have to.
I also exclusively BF, so i dont really see the point cos 9 times out of 10 he would need to wake me to feed her, so really there is no point in it.
Sure it would be nice if he insisted that he would change the nappys or that i express so he can do a feed at night, but its not going to happen, and i would be awake anywayhe doesnt know how to be quiet!
However as a compromise, sometimes i will put in ear plugs in at about 4 am and he will get up if she need anything or will play with her so i can have a bit of a sleep in. I still have to get up and feed her, but having the ear plugs means that i can have a deeper sleep without having to listen out. We ususally do this for one day in the weekend
If she wakes up when we are still up, i often have to ask him to get up as he just assumes that i will do it. It is not that he doesnt want to, he just doesnt have his brain switched on the same way that i do.
Sometimes its annoying, but usually if i just let him know calmly it works.
Being a new Mum can be sooo tiring and until you are actually doing it all, i dont think anyone can understand. I dont think that being female makes it any easier to comprehend iykwim, actually being the full time parent is the only way that you realise.
You need to sit down, explain how you are feeling and also see if you can come to some sort of
compromise or ask for some help
If it makes any difference, Jaz will run to you when she skins her knees and look for you for the comfort, I dont want to be loved more, but when MJ just wants a cuddle from me, i realise all those times getting up in the night are worth it
I hope this helps a litlle
ETA : Parenting IS for BOTH parents... However you need to work out what is done by whom, DH works so that i can stay at home and look after Molly Jane, if i was back at work i would definatly expect more from him, but his role is to bring in the money so that i can continue to enjoy being a SAHM, my job is full time, but so is his as he is on call a lot as its his own business.
Maybe Shell sees the fact that she is working as her contribution... DH does help out when he can and sometimes he will send me off to the shops (as in clothes shops) on Saturday mornings (with $$) so i can have a break, this works for us and i am happy with it for the most part.
Last edited by Sammiejane; September 26th, 2008 at 02:30 PM.
BellyBelly Member
This is what you could maybe explain to Shell???? Not getting in now will only hinder her ability to jump in later, if Jazz isn't getting used to her when she is upset already. In a way she is making you the only parent that can soothe her and have her of a night...
Jazz needs to go to Shell when upset or unsettled, so they can find there own little niche to have.
Shell may regret standing back later on when she only wants you and not her other mummy...
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Leash - I'm sorry if I'm always "Shel bashing" but really - she does have to pull her finger out and help with the "parenting" of this child.
She may not be the one feeding Jazz - but she has three things Jazz wants - a chest to lay her head on, arms to cuddle her with, and lips to kiss her.
And yes, DH does get up to DS - still - all the time - I never go in there anymore - and when DD wakes, he goes to the kitchen and gets her bottle and warms it up while I get DD out of the bassinette next to the bed. Then he starts feeding her while I go to the toilet... he does this and then goes back to sleep (if she doesn't start screaming after the feed like she did last night!!).
This is during the working week though - on weekends he will feed her and let me sleep. Plus, he also gets up with DS when he gets up EARLY and lets me sleep in every morning (well till 6 anyway..lol)
I don't have a superman for a husband - I just have a partner that knows what parenting means - SHARING the responsibility - and doesn't just hand the babies back to me. (Hmm.. that could be because he knows what reaction he would get from me if he did it...)
I hope she gets better for you hon, I really do.
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One thing that DH and i do and it seems to work for both of us is have one night where all the responsibility is his. Sounds a bit silly but from the moment he's home on a Fri he looks after the girls. I can go to bed as early as i like and he has to see to them if they wake etc. He also has to get up when they wake in the morning. He doesnt mind and i see it as my time off my JOB haha iykwim. Of course i'm still around if he needs a hand or something but its nice to go to bed and know i dont have to get up until my body is ready to wake up. Maybe you and shel could come to some arrangement similar. It helps me get through the tough nights (esp in the early days) knowing that i had a full nights sleep coming soon. HTH
Hoody
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When our second came along it was DP looking after the older one if they woke at night and me looking after the new bub, now im pregnant with the 3rd i make DP get up to both of them at night so that hopefully i'll be ready to be getting up every 3 hrs to the new bub again
BellyBelly Member
At this stage I would think about how you can get the most value (ie. rest for you) out of Shel's helping. Are you able to feed lying down in bed?? If you have the hang of that then sometimes when Jazz wakes in the night ask Shel if she can change her and bring her to you - it means that you don't have to really wake up until after the feed, for burping and putting back to bed.
Also - during the afternoons, ask Shel to take Jazz for a walk. The chances are that Jazz gets a snooze, Shel gets some cuddles, and you get a break...
Are there people other than Shel who can help out - the less you are alone when Jazz is sad the better!
My hubby had a couple of months off work when our bub was born, and we split the load evenly at that time. Once he went back to work I did as much of the nights as I could - though we had the 2 hour rule, where if bub had been yelling for 2 hours then we swapped whoever was trying to settle him. He still takes vaccination day off work, because sometimes that day is really hard.
He does most of the baths, a few of the nappies, and most of the feeding-solids-in-the-evenings. If boob-settling doesn't work then he'll help settle too. The baths and the feeding are jobs he really enjoys. Ask Shel what her favourite bits of parenthood are, and make sure she does lots of them!
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DH doesn't get up in the night when he is working - he gets up at 6 and doesn't get home til 6 so in a way I don't expect him to. Having said that though, there are exceptions, the "she doesn't like me" is a cop out for sure. DH used to walk Iz around the house sometimes for up to an hour to get her to sleep at nights while I went to bed and that was after a day at work. He loved the time with her even if she was Miss Cranky Pants. On the weekends I would give him one sleep in day and I would have one too - but we often compromise.
If I have had a cr@ppy nights sleep(most nights right now) he will get up with her (he's been home from work for a few weeks) no matter what time she gets up. We also have to change nappies in the night to stop her wetting through. Most times DH falls asleep on the couch and comes to me to get me up to do it when he comes to bed - recently I have put my foot down and said he is up anyway. He worries because we have to wake her to do it and worries he can't get her back down - he did it a few times this week without a hassle though so I think he proved to himself that he can do it.
As a PP mentioned hun, feeding isn't all there is to motherhood and I think if you both sit down and talk about how she can help you most it would be good for both of you. It is tough hun and I hope you can come to an arrangement where both of you feel good about it all.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
At the start with our little ones, I didn't get up at night. We rarely had to change them over night - didn't find we needed to, they seemed to poo at mostly socially acceptable hours - and as they were BF, Victoria always said there was little point in me being awake as well.
I used to get up with them in the morning and take them out into the house so that she could sleep.
When we had to put Olivia in formula, I started getting up in the night, and haven't really stopped since. I'm sure with #3 we'll go back to Victoria getting up for night time feeds.
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We were fortunate enough that my DH was able to take 4 weeks off when DS was born. Our routine for those first 4 weeks was, DH would get DS when he woke, I would feed him, DH would then take him and burp him so I could go back to sleep.
Now that DH is back at work, and he has a varied roster, our daily life is different.
If DH has worked a dayshift, where he gets up at 4am, and gets home at 7pm, he is still cooking some meals, especially on the days where DS has been a velcro baby. DS is still in our room in his bassinette, so when DH is on dayshift, I get up to him, but DH has on the odd occassion got DS and handed him to me, even though I don't expect him too.
On nightshift, DH gets up around 4pm, and gets home from work around 7am. Most of the time he will look after DS so I can have a quick shower in the morning, then he goes off to bed himself.
On DH's RDO's, he will usually get up to DS, and hand him to me. He usually doesn't burp him during the night anymore, but even just him getting DS and handing him to me for a feed...well it's nice.
Hope you can sort something out Leasha
Nic
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