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I think its very strange that your PIL felt they should open an account and I would have thought that the advice you got from the bank was correct. Maybe call the bank again and see if the say the same thing again. If PIL have told the bank they are DD's guardians thats fraud.
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I think its very strange that your relationship would be over if you didn't do this? You have every right NOT to give up the birth certificate, its not their child, surely you can make financial decisions for your own child?!?!?
If they are so keen on opening an account for her - tell them to open a separate one and "reserve" it just for her. Does it NEED to be in her name? Not at all, tell them to put it in their own bloody names, and just deposit money for her.
I'm sure they can be trusted to not touch the money themselves
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forgive me if I am a bit out of line, but I find it odd as well..... do they have some money to hide do you think? That's the very first thing that came to my mind when I read your post. Very weird too, that your DP give such a harsh ultimatum.
Best of luck working it out mate.
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Oh thank you wonderful ladies... I thought I was going crazy because DP, his family can't see an issue with it.
DP has said that if I don't give the certificate to them so they can open the account than he and I are over... there are some other issues with his parents and things that have happened since DD was born (apparently I am the cow that gave birth to their granddaughter because my best friend held DD before MIL... sorry I didn't realise there was a hierarchy and that I had to follow a list of who could hold her) but DP has said this is the clincher for him and if I can't trust his parents then he can't trust me.
Boomba - they haven't openly said they don't trust me/us with the $$ but that is the feeling I get.
SnowyLove - that is what I am afraid of - that they have told the bank that they are DDs guardian and if I give them the BC they may do other things (gee am I paranoid much
Arimeh - I thought DP and I could make decisions for DD as well but apparently not... apparently the time I have spent managing DPs and my own financial interests means diddly squat. I did mention that maybe they should open a new account for themselves and put the $$ in there for DD and give it to her when she is older. I got death glares and "hhhmmpphs" (you know that shrug of the shoulders, I am not talking to you motion... yep got that)
Nicambhar - no idea if they are trying to hide $$ but I did ponder it... apparently the $$ is from them and DPs grandparents (so DDs great grandparents) apparently it has been saved since we told them we were pregnant... I am sure we aren't talking millions... maybe a couple of thousand.
I just do not get the secrecy and the need for multiple accounts.
Hopefully this sorts itself out... at the moment I am not to phased if DP leaves over this... it is small and trivial but if he can't see any, not even a little bit of a problem then we have bigger problems than just this I am afraid to say
Nothing like a cuddle from DD after a hard day's work!
My opinion only, but from first reading this it doesnt sound like your PIL trust that you guys will last forever. For me it sounds like they want to open an account for your DD's future but dont want to give you access incase you do break up with DP...?
Hope everything sorts itself out, i think blackmailing that it will be the end of you guys from something this little (when both parties is doing it for the sake of your DD) is quite silly.
HUGE
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
I don't find it odd at all. Both my parents have accounts for the children. It's easier for them to stick money in if and when they feel like it.
Since they are contributing I think they can bloody well do as they please.
What I do find disturbing is that a relationship could be over on the basis of this kind of disagreement.
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:yeahthat:
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This is how I feel also. Maybe it is because of the relationship I have with my partner and in-laws; I trust them and I feel that all of the Grandparents me, my partner and the choices we make. I don't feel they do this as a form of gaining control but as their way of supporting DD. They have always said and reassured us that there are no strings; the money is to assist in our choices and their contribution in no way entitles them to weigh in on any decision although if we are after advice they are and always will be there for us. If you feel uneasy about it though then I would trust that feeling. I would be trying to open up the lines of communication; it is unfortunate that your partner has reacted in this way because threats really don't help anyone.
Last edited by Jellyfish; October 8th, 2009 at 10:36 AM.
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Yeah I kinda of agree... when they start playing around with money I have contributed towards my DDor DS's bank account then I think I'd get stroppy.
It is a bit of a worry though that your DP is blackmailing youw ith your relationship that way. I think when a couple starts a family, or even when a couple become committed, the parents of that child should always show a united front, if there is a disagreement then you should come to a compromise before having a fight infront of PIL/Parents otherwise there are going to be weak points of display that some people have no problem taking advatage of.
Just my two bobs worthGL, I hope everything pans out ok.
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mum2onesweetbun - it is possible though DP and I have been together 10 years this December... we have lasted that long and 'problems' have only arisen since we found out we were pg as that is when a feeling of us vs them came along... it is a trivial thing and a shame if it ends over it. I love him dearly and thought we trusted each other and were on the same page with things... apparently not
Lulu - thank you for offering the flip side. DP tends to pull the "well it is over then" card often especially if I disagree with his parents parenting styles or wishes for DD. I am trying not to be 'controlling' as DP puts it but I can see that he would consider me controlling when I will not let him commence controlled crying with DD because his mum says it is the only way she will learn... I am the bad guy because I disagree with CC and even smaller things like not agreeing to tape down DDs umbilicial hernia... argh!
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Just give them the birth cert then. It certainly is a trivial matter so just let it go.
You can get a trust account opened hon.....and depending on which bank you DONT need a birth certificate unfortuneately (dont tell them that). IS it not enough that both of you have to sign to withdraw money from DD account? Were is the trust to you guys?? Lovely thought that they are thinking about DD future...but you are the parents and you make the decissions about her life and financial well being...
now onto the PIL's???? Who exactly gave birth to your DD? Who's DD is she?? I really think they are stepping over the line and need to get back in their ranks. Its not just about the bank account..I gather its the icing on the cake and a build up of alot of things. Grandparents seem to go both ways...either neglect or go over board. Maybe you need to ask MIL if she can remember what it was like to be a first time mum with all the 'support' overwhelming her..tell her that ytou need to find your mummy feet by yourself.
in the mean time...hide DD birth certificate and ring the bank that they opened the account for DD with and tell them that you have not authorised it....2 can play at their game
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i wouldn't be handing over DD's birth certificate for something like that - there is no need for her to have multiple accounts - she is a minor, you're co-signing with your partner (can't call him a DP given his ultimatum) - it's not like you're going to bleed her dry. if what they are trying to do is to start a trust fund for her that is tied up so that she can't access it until adulthood, then maybe there is a call for another account - but they don't need to take her birth certificate - they can ask you to accompany them.
if your partner is prepared to leave you over this, i would have big questions about your relationship - and i would be putting everything you can in place as a contingency - bank account details including balances etc. make sure DD's birth certificate is put somewhere safe. it's a pathetic thing to play with your relationship like this. he sounds rather immature. your DD is YOUR DD - she is not the child of his parents - and if one of you isn't comfortable handing over very important proof of identification, he should respect that. there is a reason they only give copies of birth certificates to the informant!
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I think you know your PIL better than any of us, therefore if you have ill feelings about handing over the BC then don't do it. But DO ask yourself are you genuine in your feelings or reacting to this recent event.
If you genuinely feel "off" about handing over the BC (forgetting the recent event) then don't do it as a lot can be said for mothers instinct.
If it really is just about this bank thing then that is up to you.
Personally I do not see the need for multiple accounts for a child. I cannot see why they cannot open an account for her in their own name. I would find it pretty unusual that a bank would allow someone other than the parent or guardian to open an account for a child - has your DP had a hand to play in it?
To me something does seem off. I wouldn't give the BC personally and I would be contacting the bank society that they have (or plan to) open the account with and speak to the branch manager. Yes its behind their back but it just doesn't seem right.
Nae x
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This is my biggest concern of your entire post.
Regarding the bank account - my parents have an account for both boys, but its not in their name as they didnt aske for birth certificates or anything like that. I dont have a problem with it, becuase I *know* Id take money out of the ones we have for them if we needed it (bills etc, not for frivolous things).
As a result, we have ASG accounts for the boys, and money I want to save for htem I give to my parents and they bank. We dohave accounts in their name but only becuase we have relatives who'd write a cheque out to a newborn so it was the only way to cash them.
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My mum has an account for DD (in DD's name). My grandmother had one for me (& all my cousins & sister) & my mum's grandmother had one for my mum & her siblings & cousins.
Generally it is given to the child between 18 - 21 or we can choose to keep it there for when we buy a house or get married.
I hope to do it for my children's kids too
If Andrew said to me that the relationship would be over if I didn't give his parents a birth certificate, I would be saying "seeya later then"
Do you know what bank they have done it with? If so I would be ringing their bank and seeing what their policy is on opening bank accounts for minors that don't live with them. Personally I would throttle my in-laws and my own parents if they ever tried to do that with my kids. Like you we already have an account in each of the boys names. Money can go in, but it can't come out. Well not for a long time anyway.
I think the problem here isnt that they have opened a bank account..its that they did it without even bothering to ask firstly and that DP is being a twat! Its a lack of respect in my opinion in not discussing something so important firstly with the you both. I bet you girls who's paretns have done bank account for your kids have talked to your parents about it and its something that was agreed upon together..not done behind your back.
Maybe a seachange
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