Babys Father threatening to take me to court over the birth...ADVICE?!?!

[alice88]

Hi there,

Long story so here goes.
I am 23 and 23 weeks pregnant, was not planning on being pregnant anytime soon, however am now looking forward to spending the rest of my life with little baby Peanut. He had been pushing for abortion since I found out I was pregnant, which I could not do. I couldn't hurt my baby as much as I didn't 'want' it at the time, there is noway I could hurt it. At 12 weeks my x-Mr walked out on me (And by walked out I mean I got kicked out of our house after he broke up with me so that none of his friends found out I was pregnant) and told me he wants nothing to do with little Peanut, or myself. Since then pretty much every time he changes his underwear he changes his mind about how he thinks he wants to be involved (or at times doesn't want to be), in little Peanuts life. Starting with not at all, to an 'uncle' type figure, back to nothing, then to Dad, but friend Dad, then back to nothing, and now is at I want to be Dad nothing else andddd back to nothing!! I have tried to be civil with him, asking him to come to ultrasounds, but choosing to do appointments alone because he really has no need to be there, as well as seeing a social worker for prenatal depression (I never knew this existed).

I got a message from him this afternoon TELLING me he was going to be at the birth (uhuh...I don't think so!), and when I explained to him that he had said he does not want to be there because he won't be any support for me and he will probably faint, let alone me not feeling comfortable with him there, that I would like to just have my choice of support people there (I have a student midwife, a close friend (Mr N), and possibly my mother, or noone else) and he lost it. Told me 'too ****ing bad. It's not my choice. It's his baby too and he will be there if he wants to be there even if he has to break doors down.' (mature..), and I explained to him, it's not about him, or really the baby while I'm giving birth, it's about me, having the support people I trust, and can rely on (clearly I can't rely on him), people who will 100% support my wished etc etc. And he has threatened me with legal action and has told me he is taking me to court, along with an array of other lovely abusive text and voice messages telling me it means sweet **** all what I want while I'm in labor.

Now my questions.
1. Has he got an legal right to be there when the baby is born, if I want him there or not?
2. Can he get a lawyer onto this?
3. Can he take complete custody of the baby I have been here for and wanted and love the whole time, while he has been so wishy-washy about it?

Please help. :-( He drinks alot, smoked marijuana, has done acid and speed recently and is being plain unreasonable.
It's causing me ALOT of stress and anxiety right now :-(

[FabFiona]

Not sure about the other stuff but as the patient the hospital (and the courts) will respect your wishes. There is no baby to take action on behalf of at this point so it's your rights as a patient vs. what he wants.

As to the other stuff, he sounds like a bit of a loser (no offense) so I doubt he will see a lawyer in the first place.

Do you want him in your life? What role do you want him to play in the life of your baby?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PumpkinZulu]

You poor thing I'm bot a lawyer and have no legal knowledge, but just from a commonsensical point of view, there is surely no way that would fly. He has no 'right' to be there, none at all.

[Liviam]

Firstly . I am so sorry you are being put through this. How terrible he is making your pg for you.

I can't give you any advice I'm sorry but I'm hoping one of the lovely girls on BB will be out to help you out. Is there legal aid near you or can you ask your social worker to look into it for you? The other thing is he can't be at the birth if he doesn't know it's happening can he?? Can you just not tell him when you go into labour?

Best of luck and I hope you get to experience your birth just the way you want.

[briggsy's girl]

if he's become abusive in text, is it possible to get an AVO that stops him contacting you (and keeps him away from you/your child during and immediately after the birth?)

[alice88]

FabFiona - I do not want him in my life. I am happy to be civil with him for the sake of my lil Peanut, but as nothing else. I would like Peanut to have a father, but until he sorts himself out with drinking, and drugs, I do not want to leave Peanut with him, I'm not comfortable with the idea at all.

[onthefly]

Wow. He's going to be fabulous support for you with that sort of attitude.
I imagine he will be asked to leave and/or arrested if he tries to break down doors to be there if you don't want him. In any event, get some legal advice pronto so you can have some piece of mind before birthing.

[emc2]

Now my questions.
1. Has he got an legal right to be there when the baby is born, if I want him there or not?
2. Can he get a lawyer onto this?
3. Can he take complete custody of the baby I have been here for and wanted and love the whole time, while he has been so wishy-washy about it?

These are so easy to answer,

No - he has no legal right to be there at the birth;

No - the lawyer would not be interested as he has no right

No - there's no way he would have custody AND the court would take into account all the behaviours you have detailed as well, but I doubt he would be bothered.

Like my Mum said about my ex, there's no way he could actually organise himself to go to court - and I am fairly certain your ex is the same.

The stress and anxiety you will have to ride out and try and focus on Peanut and what you do have, rather than your ex. I would not bother yet with AVO's and such but rather keep a diary and keep in mind that it is something you could do if required.

hth

[alice88]

MadB - He won't be any support to me, he has already said this to me. And doesn't want to be there for me while im in labor, he wants to be there because he found out new Mr would be there.

P.s. Can I just add in here that he was not like this when I was with him. He was nice, until he found out I was pregnant. The when he left he started getting heavily into drinking and started on the drug (which btw..is all my fault..)

[alice88]

thanks emc2 - I thought they were all no, but he is being so damn convincing and I just wanted to make sure.

I am planning on seeing my social worker Monday afternoon (hopefully she can fit me in) and seeing what she might recommend, or at least talking through everything with her. I find that she is a good source of the 'diary' of when I hear from him, as I'm there in her office the next morning/afternoon having anxiety/panic attacks and crying my eyes out. Lol.

I have told him numerous times not to contact me, but he keeps doing it.

[hannanat]

Document everything. If he's being abusive, try to stop verbal communication and tell him that he can only communicate with you by text message - make sure you keep them. If you fear for your safety, get a DVO.

Good luck.

[alice88]

hannanat - yeah, I have everything in messages/let the call go to message bank. Luckily when I moved I didn't tell him my new address, for this very reason...I'm sure he'd be on my door step if I had.

[Livinthedream]

Just make sure you keep all text/voice messages.
Good luck. xx

[nothing2lose]

Hi

Sounds like you've been through a lot

It's probably right that he won't get his act together to take you to court but, if he does, the court will likely grant him visitation with your child. It will start in small increments of time which, given his drug use, may be supervised and will build up over time.

Unfortunately, drug use and/or drinking is not a reason to stop visitation as far as the court is concerned. Especially if he does not have a long history of it and agrees not to use drugs while the child is present.

The child's right to have a relationship with her father is seen as paramount.

I agree that an avo would be good to ensure he does not turn up for the birth and cause trouble.

Good luck!

[alice88]

Yeah, i don't want to stop him having visitation, but for the first year I was hoping to breastfeed, which means bub won't be able to be gone for too long.
I would love him to be an active part of bubs life :-( But am seriously scared for my lil Peanut

[misty]

He has NO legal rights whatsoever in any way shape or form when it comes to you and the birth of your child. He cannot demand to be there. He cannot dictate anything to do with the birth at all. It is your body, your choices, your rights. Don't let him scare you, he sounds like a completely abusive and controlling BS artist - I wouldn't listen to a word he says, because he obviously has no idea of what he is talking about.

[Smoke Jaguar]

He DOES, however, now have a history of threatening violence (breaking doors down and using abusive language), so that should act in your favour.
Also, you still get to choose if he's going to be on the birth cert or not. More food for thought.
It does sound like there will be a relationship with a father, just perhaps not with the bio father.
I reckon he can earn his title, and not by harrassing you at the birth or in the lead up to it.

[Cherished]

I don't have any advice but didn't want to read your post and not reply It all sounds very stressful. I would speak to the hospital and make it clear that you do not want him at the birth. In fact why does he even have to know that you've gone into labour? We didn't tell anyone until after ds was born and we were ready to contact people. Even then we didn't have any visitors in the hospital or for the 1st week of ds's life. I think MIL was planing to visit us in hospital but we asked her and everyone else not to n the hospital were happy to tell visitors that they would have to call us and arrange a visiting time as they weren't allowed through.