Hi Kate,

I too am dealing with the negative emotions and nagging thoughts about my son William's birth, and our breastfeeding journey. Big I think the first step is acknowledging how we feel and maybe how its affecting us now and in the future. PLus letting it out is a great step too. I havent yet sought counselling with a professional, but it was always an option in the back of my mind if I felt I wasn't getting on top of things. I also have a couple of wise older women in my life (work colleagues etc) who I know I can call on to de-brief if I need to. My partner has been great, but sometimes you do need to talk to someone a bit removed to help get some perspective back. MAybe think about the people around you or seeking counselling from a professional like doudou said.

I had an emerg c-section in June which was the shock of my life - i had a dream pregnancy, absolutely text book normal and was booked in for a beautiful natural birth at my local hossy birthing centre. I went into labour normally and then at the eleventh hour we found out that my boy William had flipped in the last week of preg and was breech. I felt ripped off that I didn't get the birth I wanted (for both me and my son), and I felt like my body had failed - then I realised that I had no control over him turning that late and that I had actually nurtured a perfect little boy and he was in the world with us safely.

One of the most helpful things I've learnt (in a work context firstly but it applies in so many other ways) is recognising what we do or don't have any control over in life. In short, the stuff we can't influence we shouldn't spend our time and energy worrying about. Focus on the things we can control. This has helped me a lot. So focus on your birthing options, model of care etc - go armed with knowledge and information. Unfortunately we have to accept that these babies sometimes have their own exit plans too! That was my big learning curve.

Breastfeeding also went pear shaped for us - long story short - after poor attachment and very badly damaged boobs + infections I had to call it quits - I was so unwell. I am still devastated that we couldn't keep going and I beat myself up everyday. I will carry guilt and regret about that for a long time - probably more so than the birth emotions. Next time round, I'm going in armed with all the knowledge and info I learnt from the LCs and ABA during my first go, plus a more realistic appreciation for how hard it can be.

So the two things I wanted the most - a natural birth and to breastfeed my baby - went down the gurgler - and that hurts a lot right now. I am grieving that fact I got neither of those things, and I desperately want to achieve them with my next bub. I look at my boy and feel like I let him down, and I too think about the guilt if breastfeeding works for our next child and we have a natural birth. I think those feelings are normal....

Try not to beat yourself up, try and focus on staying positive to achieve the experience you want.

GL
Lolly