How do I when I feel I cant??

[Jakabella]

How do I let go of the negative feelings about Bellas birth and forgive my body, my mind and the system for letting me down??

DH and I will be TTC early next year and I really want to be able to let go on the negative feelings and the fear and focus on getting the VBAC natural birth that I *wanted* with Bella. How do I go about that??

I want to breast feed my next bub - how do I make sure I get some milk this time??

I want to try for a VBAC - how do I get rid of the nagging voice that says "your going to fail AGIAN, might as well book the c-sect now"

But most of all how do I get rid of the idea that if my new bub gets all of these things that its not fair to my baby Bella?? She is my perfect little girl and I dont want a new bub to be any different...but I feel guilty wanting a better birthing / feeding experiance for him/her..

Sorry its a bot of a ramble..

Thanks for reading and any advice would be great!!

Kate xox

[Oorki Galoorki]

I think you need to get some trauma counselling. then re look at your birthing options,get more information.

[Olive]

firstly i want you to stop thinking that you failed!! i dont think creating a gorgeous baby, no matter how its birthed, is a failure on your behalf!! i think you did a wonderful job nourishing, protecting and nurturing your baby girl, something i think is the most beautiful thing a womens body can do, you didnt fail your baby in anyway! i understand she didnt arrive in the way you wanted and im sure next time you will feel more educated and empowered to give birth via a vbac.
i didnt get the birth i wanted first time, had PND but i did everything i could second time to achieve all that i didnt first time, i had similar feeling about the guilt i had after DD1 was born but i never felt guilty for wanting it better second time. i felt I was failed, not that I failed, i never felt that what happened first time was a failure on my behalf, i know i didnt have a c/s but i had similar feelings, i think you should proud that your going to do your best to achieve what your striving for!
i admit that i have let go of alot of the negetive thoughts that i had, once DD2 was born!
i highly recommend getting a doula, a student doula even! the extra support is invaluble! find a lactation consultant you can build a relationship with before bubs is born!
goodluck hun, i know you can do and you will do it!

[bubno.3]

Hi Kate

First of all every pregnancy and birth are different....therefore tell yourself not to compare the pontetial pregnancy/child to your beautiful little girl.

When you do fall pregnant just go with the flow and enjoy the pregnancy plus remember you will be busy with your little girl being a toddler and if you work you will be too occupied to worry about your 'negative' thoughts if that makes sense.

Please enjoy your daughter now and stop beating yourself up on something you cant really have much control over .... yes we all want a perfect birth but sometimes our bodys and babys have different ideas.

Your daughter wont be affected if your next child is breast fed and your daughter wasnt...for example or if this next baby is born c sectioned or vaginally, all children are all unique and enter this world there way .

I hope i was a help

Cheers bubno.3 (i have had two children and both were totally different births and we're TTC next year as well ... )

[Jakabella]

DouDou.. I had not thought of councelling..

AJP - I think you are right!! I feel in a way my body failed - was 2 weeks over and had to be induced as labour had not started - thats when it all went down hill. BUT I also think that my MW's and OB's didnt do the best by me either.. I was a number and they wanted the room and the bed so they pushed me along. I wish I knew then what I know now from my reserach and BB - things would have been very differnt! You have given me alot to think about!! Thanks!

Bubno3 - thanks for sharing your storey and Im glad that even though bubs come into the world different ways that you feel the same.. thanks again!

[Olive]

AJP - I think you are right!! I feel in a way my body failed - was 2 weeks over and had to be induced as labour had not started - thats when it all went down hill. BUT I also think that my MW's and OB's didnt do the best by me either.. I was a number and they wanted the room and the bed so they pushed me along. I wish I knew then what I know now from my reserach and BB - things would have been very differnt! You have given me alot to think about!! Thanks!

you hit the nail on the head! you were failed, failed the minute they started the induction process! i too was induced, but this time i refused to even entertain the idea of been induced, unless absolutely necessary! knowledge and belief is what will see you get through this!

[bubno.3]

Look im sorry i dont mean to over ride this thread but it does annoy me that people say thing like
'you hit the nail on the head! you were failed, failed the minute they started the induction process! i too was induced,'
sorry but whats with the 'anti inductions attitude' umm what happens if god forbid your baby 'dies' in utero as it is over cooked ...because a mum refuses to be induced at 42 wks pregnant and yes that why doctors dont like you going over .... as there are risks with prem prem bubs and over cooked bubs.. yes i know babys come out when they are ready 99% of the time but girls remember 15o yrs ago mums and bubs died with childbirth as there wasnt any intervention at all. Now we have great intervention as i read sill statements like 'you were failed, failed the minute they started the induction process'

I have had two babys with two completely different births but both inductions one at 38wks and one at 37 wks from period. I had high blood pressure and running out of room .

I just wish mums to be wouldnt get all worked up about what they want and dont want and then if it doesnt go the way they wanted they get angry and blame interventions that actually save lives!

[*Infinity*]

Hi Kate,

I too am dealing with the negative emotions and nagging thoughts about my son William's birth, and our breastfeeding journey. Big I think the first step is acknowledging how we feel and maybe how its affecting us now and in the future. PLus letting it out is a great step too. I havent yet sought counselling with a professional, but it was always an option in the back of my mind if I felt I wasn't getting on top of things. I also have a couple of wise older women in my life (work colleagues etc) who I know I can call on to de-brief if I need to. My partner has been great, but sometimes you do need to talk to someone a bit removed to help get some perspective back. MAybe think about the people around you or seeking counselling from a professional like doudou said.

I had an emerg c-section in June which was the shock of my life - i had a dream pregnancy, absolutely text book normal and was booked in for a beautiful natural birth at my local hossy birthing centre. I went into labour normally and then at the eleventh hour we found out that my boy William had flipped in the last week of preg and was breech. I felt ripped off that I didn't get the birth I wanted (for both me and my son), and I felt like my body had failed - then I realised that I had no control over him turning that late and that I had actually nurtured a perfect little boy and he was in the world with us safely.

One of the most helpful things I've learnt (in a work context firstly but it applies in so many other ways) is recognising what we do or don't have any control over in life. In short, the stuff we can't influence we shouldn't spend our time and energy worrying about. Focus on the things we can control. This has helped me a lot. So focus on your birthing options, model of care etc - go armed with knowledge and information. Unfortunately we have to accept that these babies sometimes have their own exit plans too! That was my big learning curve.

Breastfeeding also went pear shaped for us - long story short - after poor attachment and very badly damaged boobs + infections I had to call it quits - I was so unwell. I am still devastated that we couldn't keep going and I beat myself up everyday. I will carry guilt and regret about that for a long time - probably more so than the birth emotions. Next time round, I'm going in armed with all the knowledge and info I learnt from the LCs and ABA during my first go, plus a more realistic appreciation for how hard it can be.

So the two things I wanted the most - a natural birth and to breastfeed my baby - went down the gurgler - and that hurts a lot right now. I am grieving that fact I got neither of those things, and I desperately want to achieve them with my next bub. I look at my boy and feel like I let him down, and I too think about the guilt if breastfeeding works for our next child and we have a natural birth. I think those feelings are normal....

Try not to beat yourself up, try and focus on staying positive to achieve the experience you want.

GL
Lolly

[Rouge]

It takes a lot of tears and a lot of work hun but you will get there... It's perfectly natural for you to feel the way you do and its great that you want to talk about it, as it certainly does help to understand what happened and what you want from future births.

bubno.3 I think your post is extremely harsh and in fact untrue. I am so thrilled for you that you have had interventional births that went well, but just because you did doesn't mean you need to discount a birth that has had unnecessary intervention which in turn lead to a traumatic birth. My Obstetrician TOLD me that my first birth was riddled with unnecessary intervention that he BELIEVED led to my C/S. Not every Ob is evil, and some can see that we have a social epidemic (as my ob called it) going on here. No one is discounting the necessities of intervention when needed to save lives, but unfortunately its not always about saving lives sometimes its about convenience, hospital policy and other politics. And for some its genuine intervention and I thank goodness for those interventions, because often without them it would be a sad day. But please don't tell a mother to get over a traumatic birth, it is no different than telling someone to get over a car accident. The feelings traumatic birth causes are very real, they aren't oversensationalised or dramatic they are REAL. And as with any trauma it is something that one works through not sucks up and moves on.

[Tanya]

Look im sorry i dont mean to over ride this thread but it does annoy me that people say thing like
'you hit the nail on the head! you were failed, failed the minute they started the induction process! i too was induced,'
sorry but whats with the 'anti inductions attitude' umm what happens if god forbid your baby 'dies' in utero as it is over cooked ...because a mum refuses to be induced at 42 wks pregnant and yes that why doctors dont like you going over .... as there are risks with prem prem bubs and over cooked bubs.. yes i know babys come out when they are ready 99% of the time but girls remember 15o yrs ago mums and bubs died with childbirth as there wasnt any intervention at all. Now we have great intervention as i read sill statements like 'you were failed, failed the minute they started the induction process'

I have had two babys with two completely different births but both inductions one at 38wks and one at 37 wks from period. I had high blood pressure and running out of room .

I just wish mums to be wouldnt get all worked up about what they want and dont want and then if it doesn't go the way they wanted they get angry and blame interventions that actually save lives!

The opening poster has suffered birth trauma and it sounds as if it is the system holds some blame. Birth trauma is real and needs to be addressed in these situations. Inductions are notorious for failure only ending in c/s. There is no reason the opening poster cannot have a VBAC, as long as her feelings are validated and she can understand why her birth ended the way it did so she can can gain some positives out of the event, if she is having difficulty finding her induction positive then your post is not very helpful. So until then we must be supportive and understand that while sometimes interventions are needed, quite often they fail and are not the best for all concerned.

[Snacks]

Kate, I know this is something you've been struggling with for a long time. I agree that councelling would be a great idea. Not sure where you are, but if you're in Melbs the BB centre would probably be a good place to start.
I think it's a tops idea to get some extra support. If you can afford an independent MW, that'd be ideal. They can meet with you and spend all the time you need throughout your pregnancy and talk about issues as they arise. Alternatively (or additionally!) a doula would be fabulous support.
Join the ABA. Go to meetings. Talk about the troubles you had BF Bella and get advice before the next bub arrives. Find a lactation consultant in your area (I know Barb on here has a super list of contacts) and have their number on hand just in case you find you need it.
Now, this is just being pro-active. As bubno3 mentioned, every baby and birth is different, and there is no reason to believe that things will go awry this time.
Honey, it isn't wrong for you to want a better birth. And I'm sorry, but I had to smile at the Mummy Guilt you have about your second getting the better birth - honestly, we'll feel guilty about anything! You have every right to do things differently the second time, and that's the way parenting is. Already I am finding I'm a different parent to Phoebe as a baby than I was to Natty. I am constantly growing as a mummy and I'm sure my kids will forgive me for it. I just want to keep trying to do my best for them and for me. Birth is just the first part of our parenting journey.

Bubno3 - have a read around. There's a lot of literature and anecdotes about popular interventions that are unnecessary.

I just wish mums to be wouldnt get all worked up about what they want and dont want and then if it doesnt go the way they wanted they get angry and blame interventions that actually save lives!

I'm pleased that you had two very positive inductions. That's fantastic. But have some sensitivity towards those whose induction experiences were not positive. Have some compassion for those who have been left feeling out of control and traumatised by their birth. Yes, we are grateful that the medical profession have saved countless lives through advances in (first and foremost) hygiene, and secondly, medicines and surgery. But the use of these medicines is not always necessary and we are right to feel let down by the system if we are advised that these are the best things for us when they're not.

[Trillian]

OK, firstly you really need to debrief her birth with a counsellor to help you deal with what you are feeling and also give you some tools to cope with the feelings that may come up when you are pg again. Many, many women feel exactly the same way when they have a birth that didn't go to plan and then they get what they *want* the next time round even if the first birth wasn't a c/s? That doesn't make it unfair to your first child, because you had to play the hand you were dealt at the time kwim? She will know that you did not want it to turn out the way it did and she will love you for what you DID do, that you loved her, that you did the best you could to bring her earthside and that you had to make the best choice for her at the time on how to feed her. It wont matter to her that her sibling will be born and fed differently to what she was, she will love that you have given her sibling to love and to have a relationship with. Of course that doesn't make the feelings you are having about it all invalid, because they are completey valid issues to have, but it might help you if you can see it from that perspective, that from her POV none of it matters kwim.


And join up with the ABA - it doesn't matter if you are not breastfeeding ATM, they will be able to give you invaluable help that will ensure you are successful next time and by doing it now you will have that support network around you to help you if you do have a rough start with it all.

I hope that you are able to work through it all so that you can move forward.

[bubno.3]

Im sorry girls i wasnt having a 'go' at Kate and her experience and i suppose i didnt explain what i meant very well... Again i apoplogise if i offended anyone who had suffered an agoninsing traumatic birth.

[Indadhanu]

I know how you feel Kate, and I don't have any answers as I am dealing with the same thoughts. I have started a thread that you may or may not have seen and had some great answers, its in the VBAC section You aren't alone, and I hope that you find some peace soon

bubno.3 - Birth trauma is real, and should be acknowledged, not ignored, or pushed to the side with comments like "at least you are both ok", because when it boils down to it, mums with birth trauma are NOT ok, and NEED support and understanding. Yes, interventions can save lives. They can also be misused.

[Midwifemum]

Hi Kate, Many things can influence the outcomes of a birth. Overcoming your trauma is very important for your next birth.It takes time and a lot of soul searching. Be very selective in who you talk to or who you see for counselling.
One of the main causes of C/S is induction of labour.If a woman's cervix is not ready to open or the baby's position is not ideal, the induction invariably goes pear shaped. Add to this an epidural and we get fetal distress (abnormal CTG).Then we get failure of breastfeeding and postnatal depression because the natural hormones of birth are interferred with. It is also very difficult for a woman to say no to an induction when you are being told your baby is at risk of dying if you are "overdue".It is a bit like a game of russian rulette. No-one knows who is going to be dealt the C/s card or the PND card or the normal birth card or the dead baby card. All of these things can mess with your head. You need to tell yourself that you did the best you could with the information you were given at the time. You did a dam good job of bringing this precious little person into the world and you are a fantastic mother. Next time round arm yourself with heaps of information. I would suggest the Birthrites web site as a good starting point. Find a Dr who is supportive of VBAC. Stay positive, don't beat yourself around for things that have happened. I have looked after many women who have had a hospital VBAC and they are totally transformed by the experience. I have also looked after many woman who have attempted a VBAC without success, but have had a very empowered C/S and also felt healed after a previous birth trauma. Hang in there, stay positive! Thanks for listening.

[Jakabella]

Thanks you all so much for all the support that you have given me. You have all given me alot to think about and some stratagies to start the healing process.

Thanks again!!

Kate xox

[*star*]

Hey Kate,

Just wanted to add that you aren'y alone in feeling this! I too am soon to start TTC after an unwanted c-section (abeit two years later) and am also grappling with how a different birth will make bubs no.2 different from bubs no.1! Already feeling guilt again! Deep down I know it's silly to think that the way one is born could affect my relationship with them. But then, why do I want a natural birth so much!!

It's good that you're looking to work through this reasonably quickly. It's not something that goes away, so it would be good to be at peace with it all before no.2 comes along.