Even though my gorgeous little one isn't due for 3+ months I am already freaking out and worrying about two things and I'm after some helpful suggestions on how to try and work it through.
1. My sister had a stillborn boy (28 weeks) in February this year. My family haven't taken our pregnancy very well at all as I fell pg a few weeks after. My sister doesn't want any contact with me (which I completely and utterly understand) but the rest of my family have all opened stated that they aren't excited and are very hurt by my pregnancy. What is going to happen if my beautiful baby is a boy? Are they going to completely ignore my poor little boy? The thoughts of this is just completely devestating.
2. My due date is 8th december but my little ones tend to take their time coming and so I am expecting to go over again, cheeky monkeys. I have no worries in going over as bub will pick his/her birth day. My big worry is DH's sister (she is no longer in OUR life but we see her at every family event and she is still involved with the rest of the family so we do see her regularly - huge back story but basically she has bullied, verbally & emotionally abused me as soon as I started dating DH over 8 years ago, physically assaulted me and threatened me. So basically set out to make my life hell) birthday is on 20th december. I am so worked up over the fact that my beautiful baby could be born on the same date - 12 days over wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me. I know that doesn't seem like a big thing but to me to have the reminder every year . My DH's birthday & our wedding anniversary are already tainted every year because of this horrid person.
How am I going to relax over these two issues because they are really impacting on me enjoying my last pregnancy which I am so mad at myself for. The last thing I want is these affecting my labour & birth as well.
I am so looking forward to my labour and birth - I have loved my last two labours/births and really want to relax and enjoy the last time I am going to get to birth.
With your sister I must admit I am surprised your family hasn't welcomed a positive distraction away from her terrible tragedy. Perhaps if you could ask them to see it that way (obviously not your sister who needs space).
As for the due date, babies decide their due dates for a reason. maybe your little one wants to rewrite what that day means o you!
With number 2. I totally understand DD was due around MIL's birthday so I really didn't want to give birth then. Not much you can do but hope that will power is enough to keep Bub not coming on that day.
As for the first point it's really sad that your family see your pregnancy like that after all it's not your fault and not like you got pregnant to intentionally hurt them. Sad really, hopefully they will come around once bub is born.
1) This is very hard. I understand where your sister is coming from, less the rest of your family. They are greiving the loss of a grandson and that never goes away. I don't know if you've tried writing to them, explaining you'd never deliberatley hurt anyone and you hope that they can welcome the new addition to the family, boy or girl. It may well be they never do and then I think you need to work through that at the time. It's hard I know, but try not to assume they'll stay negative. They may not. you know your family best - do they hold grudges?
It's not your baby's fault the timing hurts other member of the family. They need to know that. Meanwhile, can you surround yourself with friends who are excited for you, plan a blessingway, plan diplomatic baby announcements. Who will tell your sister and when, for example?
You need to work through the what ifs? What if your family dont accept the baby? What if he is a boy? He will still be loved, he will still be wanted, he will still be a precious gift. Obviously, avoid like a plague a name that resembles his deceased cousin. I wouldnt do that to a child anyway. I suppose I'm saying plan for the worst, hope for the best.
2) Have a talk to baby and tell him/her they need to come 6 December, because that's the best date to be born on anyway Like the point above, feel the fear and do it anyway. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Work it through so that you don't feel this issue affects your labour or your ability to bond with baby. It's completely understandable to have an aversion to that date, but as you can't control for it, process it so you can come to some peace with it. Either baby will come on another day, or s/he will rewrite what that date means to you.
I understand these things are playing on your mind. Can you try to find the a way to the positive instead of being stuck on the negative? You're preparing to welcome a new bundle. That's a wonderful miracle all in itself. I hope the joy of that can outweigh the sadness of the other circumstances.
I can read from your post hiw much these two issues are affecting you.
I don't really know what to advise, other than to second what Tashybabe said.
Have your family had a chance to debrief and/or have counselling in regards to your nephew's stillbirth? From what you wrote, it sounds like they are still grieving and any baby (yours or anyone else's) reminds them of their loss. This is not your or your baby's fault or your problem. They need to make peace with their own feelings about what happened. How close are you with your sister and your family? Would they be willing to try some counselling with you?
Re you SIL - I've read your previous posts about here and she sounds horrid. What do the rest of her/your DH's family think of her treatment of you? If they allow it and don't see a problem, then perhaps you need to distance yourself from them all.
A lot easier said than done, but please don't let others dump their issues on you or make them yours. Neither of the things you wrote about are your issues, as you have no control over what others think or do. I'm sure that no matter what happens you will have a wonderful birth experience and you and your baby will be surrounded by love and positivity.
no advice, just wanted to offer lots of 's
My sister was pressured into a termination 3 years before my DD1 was born but had been TTC for a year (i didn't know this) so she didn't speak to me my whole pregnancy and after birth. She made contact when DD1 was 6.5 months old. Never held her or ever really acknowledged her until she had her DS a year later... It's not the same i know but it hurt.
I think Tashybabe's advice about your sister and family is better than anything I could offer you lovely. I can only give you a and hope that when your beautiful baby is born, their hearts will soften.
As for the birthday you I'm sure don't remember that when I was pregnant with Iz I was incredibly anxious the whole way through that she was NOT born on 2 May - the first anniversary of my last loss before her conception. I was induced on the morning of the 1st and the little minx got the super glue out and flat out refused to come out until the 2nd! I spent the entire night before her birth in such a state that the midwives wanted to sedate me. Poor R was beside himself not knowing what to do about me. Her birthday is now a constant reminder for me that while there is sadness and pain in my little world, there is also the unbelievable joy and innocence of a beautiful child. I know its not quite the same thing but . . . You obviously KNOW its the witch's birthday and she's had such a huge impact on your life that its not like you'll not give her a thought on the day, and no doubt suffer all the turmoil that comes with thinking of such a person. Maybe if this little person comes on the same day you will have the pure goodness of your newborn to give you a smile that day and fill your heart with love, all while not giving you a minute to think about your SIL.
Last edited by LuluHB; September 13th, 2011 at 01:29 AM.
Once again you ladies always seem to have the words that touch me and help me through . Thank you!!!
I guess with my family there is nothing I can do except wait and see while keeping everything crossed that they will come around and love and accept our precious little baby, whether it be a boy or girl. I truely hope that they don't believe that I am trying to replace my beautiful angel nephew. I have tried to talk to my family about it but it made it worse, sadly. Guess this one is out of my hands.
As for coming on the 20th I had never thought of it the other way - how it can fill that day with a new meaning of love and joy. Bit obvious now you very clever ladies have pointed it out to me. I truely believe in the power of a woman's mind & body when it comes to labouring so maybe I just need to give myself a very stern talking to before hand. One lady at work actually does massages to help resolve issues that might be blocking your body going into labour. I might just need to make an appt when my due date is approaching.
Thanks for your opinions, help and support everyone. I feel really quite selfish worrying about me and how it is affecting me when my whole family is in quite a mess at the moment.
I think I need to go back to my psychologist (I'd been going so well for a while).
just want to say, you dont need a stern talking to, you need some gentle, loving care
Yes, your family is in pain. You're in pain too. It's a different pain to your sister, but it's still there. I imagibe you're devastated for her. I imagine that may bring up fears for your own pregnancy. It may be similar to survivor guilt.
Go easy on yourself. These are important issues to you. It wont hurt to see a psychologist. The body clearing work sounds great. I get kinesiology and reiki myself. One thing to talk about may be some kind of pschic protection for you and your baby from the hostility in your family. You can do it yourself - do some meditation and surround yourself with a bubble of peace, like a shield of white light all around you. Only positive messages can get in. Negative messages bounce off. You can also do a separate one for baby. It helps if you're having a freak out, which happens. If you need to express your anxiety, just surround bub in a bubble peace. It helps, even a little bit. I learnt that off hypnobabies, btw. I highly recommend it.
As for the rest, try to let it go. The serenity prayer or similar can help with that. A trick to letting things go that you cant control is write a letter to whomever or the universe. Sit with it a while, then go outside and burn it, visualising letting it go as the smoke and ashes fly away. You may need to do that multiple times throughout your pregnancy.
Tashy - those are beautiful words and suggestions. I will be applying some of them myself, even though I don't have the same kind of issues Dan is dealing with.
Dan - oh hun, what a toughie. I have no points on dealing with your family, since I have not had this experience. I am very sorry for the loss of your precious nephew. It is in no way connected with the arrival of your own beautiful baby, but I can see how thoughtful you are being to be empathetic to your sister and family.
As for the birthdate, that is something I can imagine, as I nearly faced a similar birthdate-disaster this time around. My father's birthday is in January and he is the only family member or friend who does have a January birthday. No way would I want my baby to share its birthday with such a blot on our family. Thankfully, I think it would be extremely unlikely she is quite that overdue (two weeks), but the possibility is there. I am trying to celebrate the fact that finally I will be able to know that January is hopefully going to be the birth month of my much-wanted DD2, completely removing the connection to someone who has no place in my family (spiritually, if not by fact of blood/birth/marriage). Now every January I can get through without having to think about him, since her birth and birthday will be the new focus.
That is, of course, unless the little monkey decides to come early and slips into 2011.
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Months away but 2 big issues really worrying me
. My DH's birthday & our wedding anniversary are already tainted every year because of this horrid person.
it sounds like a lot to handle for you.
Like the point above, feel the fear and do it anyway. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Work it through so that you don't feel this issue affects your labour or your ability to bond with baby. It's completely understandable to have an aversion to that date, but as you can't control for it, process it so you can come to some peace with it. Either baby will come on another day, or s/he will rewrite what that date means to you.
. Thank you!!!
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