Ivy's birth is now a story. After all, your whole life is just a story you tell yourself. Everything except the moment you're in, is a self-written tale about what it was like to be in that past moment. So I'm mindful that I can choose to tell the story various ways. I can tell it as a disappointment, a trauma, a miracle or as a growth experience. At first... it was more of the former two in my mind. I was in shock for several days, and still struggled to talk or think about it for weeks without tears. Partly because of the fear and pain that I experienced and that I saw in Andrew. I couldn't get over the screams that came out of me and the utter despair and helplessness I felt for a few hours in the early morning. It still makes me want to cry thinking of that girl (me), sitting on the floor pleading for help and crying and wailing as the next contraction built because I didn't want to feel it any more.
But mostly, it was shame. I thought I went into birth with a very rational approach. I thought I was open to all options. But looking at my reaction, I think I was what Rhea Dempsey refers to as the 'aspirationally naive'. I believed so strongly that I was going to have a natural birth. I had read and re-read Sarah Buckley's Gentle Brith, Gentle Mothering and had built myself quite a sturdy soap-box about the dangers of medical intervention. I was proud. Arrogant almost. And when others said "I'm so glad my wife had an epidural", or "I'm going straight for the pethedine!" I admit, I judged them. They didn't understand what they were doing to their child and to themselves in taking these options. And while it was ok for them, it certainly wasn't ok for me. I looked forward to telling my birth story as I believed that it was going to involve nothing but my own power and love and the natural process of things (although I told myself and others that I was prepared for any eventuality).
My midwife was very supportive of this approach. In fact, she is a major advocate of intervention-free birth and has quite the soap-box herself. I think I felt like I let her down. I let my baby down. Andrew. Myself... I felt really ashamed that I had asked for the epidural. (I managed to laugh off that I had asked for more than that, but I admit now that had they agreed to give me a general and a cesarian, I probably would have taken it!). I didn't want to tell anyone about the birth... and when I did, I was armed with excuses. She was early. Posterior. Stuck. In distress. I did well... until I didn't. But in my head... and what I said to Andrew and the midwife... "I ****ed it up".
There's still quite a bit of residual of that feeling. I'm still disappointed that I can't tell the story that I wanted. But bearing in mind that it is a story, I realise that I can tell it to the world, and to myself... and in the long-run, to Ivy, however I choose (within the confines of the facts). So now, with some effort, I can see it as a growth experience. And as a miracle. I learnt so much.. And it brought my little girl into the world. And with that end in mind... nothing could be bad about it.
There's a few things that I want to take from this experience for my next birth:
- as much as possible, stay in the moment. Or at least focus on coping with one contraction at a time. As soon as I let myself think too far ahead, I freaked out.
- listen to your body. I think one of my biggest regrets is that I listened to my head when I decided that I was entering second stage. This made me set a time on how much more I was going to (and was willing to) endure. Had I really tuned into, and trusted my body, I may have realised that 2nd stage was still some time off, and what I needed to be doing was finding a position to help baby move.
- prepare for ALL possibilities (including going early!)
- rejoice in all eventualities... I'll be aiming for a natural birth again, but hopefully won't be so hard on myself if it doesn't happen.
omg i still cant believe i never read this wat an awesome story u were awesome i would have been begging for drugs too the peth was enough for me even though i regret it now after having a totally natural 2nd birth but wats done is done and now look to the future and upcoming birth and FWIW i was way more scared the second time around even though it turned out better
I can honestly say that this is the single most courageous and honest birth story i have ever read, and i could not tell you the number of birth stories i have read in search of the even the smallest remotest shred of similarity to my first experience of birth and how i felt about it. Your insight and ability to express yourself is incredible, i hope that this next birth for you is everything that you want it to be.
I really struggled during my second birth to conquer the emotional barriers that i had built from my first experience, despite all of the preparation and healing i tried to do. But in the end, my body over rid my mind anyway and i had no other option but to trust in myself and break those barriers without looking back. When i got through to the other side, i felt invincible! I truly hope that this time round you to experience this!
Thank you for not only posting it, but bumping so i could read it It has had such a big impact on me!
what a great birth story, i could totally relate to so much of it- especially in the birth of my first ds. i just wanted someone to help me. very powerful stuff you've written there S
congratulations on ivy's arrival!!! i wish i could take away some of your disappointment and guilt that you "didn't get what you wanted". I think you did a great job and are being way too hard on yourself - i hope you find some peace with this birth.
I loved reading all the details and really becoming immersed in your story. your hubby sounds so lovely. But i do wish i'd taken your advice and fetched food first lol.
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i would have been begging for drugs too the peth was enough for me even though i regret it now after having a totally natural 2nd birth but wats done is done and now look to the future and upcoming birth 
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