I never expected this. What would you do?

**sepata** · January 21st, 2013, 03:22 PM

So my BIL is getting married in a month to someone he has known for approximately 9 or so months now. She's a nice girl, we get a long. I just received a super long FB message from her, of which the relevant part says:

" I feel that I should let you know in advance that my family are an older crowd and are quite conservative.
Based on this I have one request of you on my wedding day, which is a very special day for me and a lot of people very dear to me, that when you breast feed Isaiah that you please DO NOT do so inside the church or in any photos. In every other circumstance can you please use a shawl.
It is nothing personal. I fully respect your personal decisions, but on my special day I ask you respect my wishes."

I'm ****ed. It's her wedding, I get that, and I wouldn't have fed him in the photos anyway. However, I have no issue feeding in a church (I regularly do it at my own) and wouldn't have thought twice about feeding in the reception. I am not using a cover. Is it rude for me to reply along the lines of 'thanks for letting me know how you feel, I will leave the church/reception when I need to feed Isaiah'.

I'm so ticked. I deliberately bought a new dress that I can feed easily and modestly in, specifically for her wedding, what's the point of spending that money now? I could just wear whatever the hell I want, screw it if I have to show more than I'd like because it doesn't matter anyway now that I'll be banished out the back to feed.

If I didn't like her I'd stage a nurse in at the ceremony lol

**Rouge** · January 21st, 2013, 03:28 PM

Wow. I guess this is also a side effect of what's happened lately. People are going to think they have a right to get on their high horses in opposition when they don't.

Sadly reminds me of so many other times like this in history

I wouldn't go. Simple. But that's me. I'm highly offended for you. And down right angry.

**Artechim** · January 21st, 2013, 03:29 PM

It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

**Joeve** · January 21st, 2013, 03:34 PM

It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

Yes I agree.
Just roll with it

**FabFiona** · January 21st, 2013, 03:34 PM

Is this your husbands brother and his partner? What does your husband think?

***Ang*** · January 21st, 2013, 03:42 PM

It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

Have to agree here. Don't let it spoil your potential life time relationship by not showing up or leaving early to make a point of it.

**sepata** · January 21st, 2013, 03:53 PM

Is this your husbands brother and his partner? What does your husband think?

He's ****ed. His first reaction when I told him was "we're not going". I told him not to be so hasty and we'll talk about it.

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

**maybebaby2012** · January 21st, 2013, 03:56 PM

No way in hell I would go! She could jam it. I don't buy into the obnoxious bridezilla thing, some girls need to get a bloody clue!

**2CheekyMonkeys** · January 21st, 2013, 04:02 PM

I'd go. It's a family wedding after all and abide by her 'rules' to keep the peace. I would be offended though.

**Doing my best** · January 21st, 2013, 04:05 PM

If you choose not to go on this principle, make sure that you and DH are willing to always have things strained in that relationship in future.. I didn't go to my brothers wedding due to something I strongly objected to, and our relationship has never been the same.. If I could turn back time, I would've accepted his wife's wishes for the day even though I totally didn't agree with them.

**Calluna** · January 21st, 2013, 04:08 PM

I agree that just this one time I would do as she wishes, simply because it is her wedding and it sounds like she is worried about a family member or 2 making a scene. But any other occasion I would "flop it out" whenever I liked, regardless of who is there.

**Mrs O'M** · January 21st, 2013, 04:09 PM

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

Well, YOU still have an amazing supportive family, I guess you should perhaps feel sorry for her that she does not share in your good fortune.

I would feel sorry for her to think that she needed to say something like that to you, I would guess if she was really comfy with breastfeeding that may have been quite awkward for her to say, especially as she is joining your family. She would be I assume trying to ruffle as few feathers as possible and has gone about it probably in the wrong way.

**briggsy's girl** · January 21st, 2013, 04:13 PM

Wow. I guess this is also a side effect of what's happened lately. People are going to think they have a right to get on their high horses in opposition when they don't.

Sadly reminds me of so many other times like this in history

I wouldn't go. Simple. But that's me. I'm highly offended for you. And down right angry.

I'm with Rouge - i wouldn't go. It's not "just one day" - it may be their wedding day, but it's your life, it's your sons life. it's not like you're going to go and sit on the alter and flop it out (no matter what Kochie seems to think!), you're simply going to feed your son IF he needs to be fed. you're going to comfort him so that you can be part of a wonderful family event and not scream the church down! or the reception! Not to mention if you do it "just this once" it will be expected of you every time there are family events you are all invited to - future baptisms, childrens birthday parties etc - you've done it once for the "older, conservative" relatives to make life easy for them, so you should do it every time....

it's a load of crap being asked to cover up - this is the sort of thing that encourages the likes of Kochie and his minions - that makes them think it's ok to discriminate against someone! and i'm saddened that BB members are encouraging you to just roll with it.

It's ultimately your call. if you want to feed in the church, do it. if you want to feed without a cover, DO IT. Personally, i would. not to make a point or to be in anyones face, but because you're going to the wedding to be AT THE WEDDING, not hiding outside. and i could never feed with a cover. ever. DD hated it and wouldn't attach.

if it were me, i'd reply with something like "i understand your older rellies may not be comfortable with breast feeding, but given I have no choice but to feed him, I don't believe it's reasonable for me to be expected to walk away and hide for the comfort of others - we are coming to your wedding to be AT your wedding. there is little point attending if i'm going to be expected to be outside away from the celebrations whenever Mr I needs to be fed because you're scared some older rellies may get their nose out of joint (and lets not forget it's illegal to expect it of anyone - i'm sure the media hoo ha lately has made that bit clear). i have no issue walking to the rear of the church, or even outside, if Mr I is making noise that is disturbing your ceremony, but given having him feed from me is no different, in what you can see, than holding him while he naps, no, i won't hide him, i won't leave. i'm not meaning to make life difficult for you, as i'm sure you're not trying to make it difficult for me, but i must say that you putting the perceived feelings of your older, conservative, relatives, over the realistic hurt you have caused me with the message you have sent."

FWIW - i have BF in church for "events" more than once. The most supportive people were the people I was concerned would think it was rude or inappropriate - the more conservative religious people! the "older" generation (our grandparents generation) are definitely more accepting of BF the generations that followed them (our parents and younger) - simply because it's all they knew!

**Rouge** · January 21st, 2013, 04:19 PM

Just like I would tell someone to shut up if they were racist, or sexist or homophobic I would be doing the same thing here. And for me I think it sends the wrong message if I were to say one thing, and then turn around and comply with this after the fact. Fear and causing upset is the reason it's 2013 and people still think a baby is performing an adult act when they feed. 2013!!! It's ridiculous. So yes to me it is more than just one day, it is about the future. For everyone. And yes taking a stand at a family event may not seem right to many. But to me that's the most important place to take it because they are the people that mean a lot to me. And in years to come this type of discrimination is seen as simply that... discrimination... they will have to own how they behaved. As will everyone. It's a shame as humans we make the same mistakes over and over again and never learn from.

**2CheekyMonkeys** · January 21st, 2013, 04:20 PM

Hmmmm, I understand what you are saying BG and you are correct but its a risk as to if it would strain family relationship or not. It depends what sort of personality the soonish SIL has. Would she take that response as a slap in the face or would she be more easy going and say fair enough?

I would definitely make it a once off though. Birthday parties, christenings etc don't hold the same extra special family 'importance' or togetherness ( for want of a better word) as do weddings. Just my opinion though.

**maybebaby2012** · January 21st, 2013, 04:25 PM

Personally, I think the SIL took the risk sending something so downright offensive in the first place. It is her that should have been worried about the consequences. I would never in a million years send something like that to someone I cared about, and I don't even think it was worded particularly politey. Complete lack of empathy and sensitivity, to me it sounded self serving and bossy. The sentence 'it's my special day' makes me want to upchuck. Reality check, it's your wedding day but you aren't a Disney princess!

**MLR1901** · January 21st, 2013, 04:29 PM

From a photographers point of view, it highly UNLIKELY that you would see it in the pics!!
Yes it's worded as politely as possible, and chances are that she'll be soo busy on her big day she wouldn't even notice if you did BF.
And what would she do if another first wore a really low cut dress anyway, same amount of skin to me!!
I'd go just to the reception, let her think your not going at all, and then when she sees you at the reception, say something like 'sorry I had to ensure bubs was fed and comfy before I came. You'll understand one day'!

**2CheekyMonkeys** · January 21st, 2013, 04:30 PM

Agreed, maybe baby but sometimes you have to keep the peace and let things lie. I guess it depends on how close you are and how much you value the particular relationship as to how you would like to respond.

Maybe I am way off here but I don't think it's as clear cut as standing up for baby and your rights etc. if it was at a pool, cafe etc yeah sure take a stand but I just think making a stand at a wedding is taking a risk.