So frustrated that I'm here again......

[Janie]

I just noticed your sig Olive! And one very grateful recipient over here.

Thanks for your very kind offer Maya, and your reassuring words . I didn't read your post until this morning!!!!! Thanks for reminding me that I'm the one who knows best for him.......I must make sure to always go with my instincts, and not be influenced by others.

Yep, the wound had abscessed, and needed to be drained. There was talk of him having to be admitted, anaesthetised, and the wound completely reopened, but they decided to give it a go in emergency and see how it went. Fortunately it went well! They did need to reopen the wound about halfway (poor little man ) there was so much infection. But I'm relieved he was spared another anaesthetic.

Needed to give him some formula after returning home, I didn't cry, I was quite calm about it. He was hungry, he'd had a traumatic evening, he needed to be fed. Don't worry, he's spent buckets of time on the boob as well!

I suspect that he's still not draining my breasts well, so he's just not up to exclusive breastfeeding yet anyway. So as of now I'm back to our old plan, giving him more at each feed, stretching his feeds out again, and expressing in between. I have been managing to almost express the amount he would need for each comp feed, so I'm hoping that plan eliminates, or almost eliminates, the need to use formula. The Drs are sure that all that breastmilk helped to keep the infection from becoming systemic they're amazed that with that amount of infection that it has remained localised.

Oh, meant to update that I got the Goat's Rue tincture, and I do think it's helpful. It was after starting it that my expressing picked up a bit, so it's definitely worth it. I've also picked up some Shatavari today, we'll see if that helps. Yes, I rattle!!!!!

[Lenny]

You are so amazing - i hope you can feel so very proud of everything you are doing. Very selfless in your efforts to do what you know is the best for your little boy.

[MantaRay]

It's great that things are more positive today for you hun Well done on all that bm to keep the infection local.

You are doing such an awesome job hun, keep up the great work.

[Fleur]

you are amazing

[Shanti]

Oh hun you are doing an AMAZING job I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry that again, you have been having BF issues. It's just not fair is it? When you hear of others stories they have a few hiccups in the first 3 or 4 weeks then cruise along after that.... you certainly deserve a break!

I know how exhausting it is doing the comp feeds, trying to get them exclusively BF with no top ups/comps, it sure is hard work.... trying to find time to express in between! it's just damn HARD. But as you know, you'll get there and it just does get easier eventually. And when you do get them exclusively BF again, it's the best feeling in the world. No more bottles, top ups etc!

It won't always be like this just keep remembering that.... day at a time
Must be very hard when you have another child to look after also. Hard enough when it's just the baby to look after!

xxx

[sas85]

I I have been managing to almost express the amount he would need for each comp feed, so I'm hoping that plan eliminates, or almost eliminates, the need to use formula.

Janie this is absolutely amazing progress!! Your supply is definately responding if you are able to express enough almost for his top up feeds, that is momentous! You go girl, onwards and upwards

[Junglemum]

You are amazing. The lengths you'll go to to bf your little guys is truly inspiring to see. They are blessed to have a mum like you.

Don't be too hard on yourself re formula, you know you are doing everything in your power to BF him. There is nothing you haven't tried. Wish i could have a cuppa and tell you in person. xxx

[Janie]

Junglemum, I'm crying! I wish we could have a cuppa too

I think our trial last week wasn't a great idea, my supply has slipped a bit . So he doesn't seem to be getting as much at each feed, and he needs more in his comp feeds. And I'm not expressing as much! Hopefully going back to the old plan will help after a few days.

I'm kind of okay with the formula thing, I know that there is no way around it long term. But I do hate having to give it to him. It's already wreaking havoc with his reflux, it breaks my heart . Fortunately he's only had it a few times.

I can honestly see why some people make the move to formula, this is all so exhausting, and heart-wrenching. In some ways I am SO glad this is my second bub, so I know it can be done! I can't see it, but there's got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, yeah?

[Junglemum]

DS1 is the light at the end of your tunnel. The road to exclusively BF'ing him was also a difficult one but you did it and you will do it again. But if it all becomes too much and you and your family begin to suffer then it's ok to take a different path. xxxxx

[Janie]

I am very much having a 'why me' time at the moment. I know there's a reason I have been given this path, but it really sucks. Most mums by now are settling in, and not having to worry about feeding dramas. I wish I could just take off with my kids for the day without having to worry about taking extra feeds, and feeling guilty if I miss expressing sessions.

I still want to aim for exclusive BFing, but in some ways I am not feeling that that is realistic. But I wonder if I think that so as not to set myself up for disappointment, if that makes sense. I never managed it with DS, but I honestly thought I would second time around. Why do we have so many issues to overcome? Breast hypoplasia, prem baby, placental issues (which affect BFing), c/s birth etc etc, it just seems unfair. But then I have to remind myself that we are very lucky to have such a gorgeous healthy baby, especially considering the issues we've had. Fortunately his weight gains have been awesome over the last few weeks, and he is now about 3.8kgs . So no FTT here, like with DS1, thank goodness. I don't think I could have coped with that again. Silver lining, right?

[*Beema*]

I just want to start with you have done an amazing job, you know my story and you know it took 6 1/2 months before I was able to ditch the F top ups and exclusively BF, I travelled such a similar journey to you and I understand your pain, frustration and utter hope that this time it would be different. Still aim for it, have it in the back of you mind that it is something you would hope to achieve, because with determination you may find yourself at that point in the future. Don't give up on yourself, and you ability to reach your goals. But it is ok to have days where you grieve, it is ok

Yes the guilt is there if you miss an expressing session, or the worry of, have I squeezed in enough feeds today..... but although the silver lining is there, somedays we just don't want to see it, we need to go through a greiving process, yes we have missed out, we don't get to have that lovely BF'ing relationship where we are worried about what the numbers on the scales are going to say tomorrow or next week...

I am seeing it at the moment with my SIL, she is having an amazing BF'ing journey with her DS, he is stacking on the weight (up to 600grams a week ), rolls of fat, and she is now out an about, enjoying motherhood and it is a lot easier. I dreamed of DD having rolls of fat... DH said to me the other day, why did she have it so easy and we had it so hard... it made me realise how much a part of the journey he also was.

I fear that this time we are going to be facing a difficult journey once again, but I am taking the knowledge and experience that I have learnt the first time and I am much more confident in myself as to what I know is right, enough weight or when we have an issues. I won't fear the F as much, it completely tore me up with DD. The no FTT is an awesome achievement, as is the fact that your DS has more than doubled his birthweight!!!!!!!

Take care hun xxoo

[Olive]

you know how awesome i think you are your really are inspirational hun, hugs from me

[Junglemum]

:yeahthat: xxxx

[Michelle71]

Very much a silver lining I know I am not here posting my support but you know you are in my thoughts often. I too worry about the BF of this next baby but we can only do the best we can with the hand we have been given. Your path is to be an inspiration to those who have difficulties BF and yet can see with perseverance you can achieve so much. You are continuing to do a fantastic job and even though it is a difficult path, it is for such a short time overall in the life you will share with this little man (not that it is any easier to go anywhere right now though ). Look how far you have come with DS1!!! You can get through this - and then in your life journey you can continue to inspire those around you with your strength, courage and persistence in the face of adversity. I am so proud of you - even if I rarely get to tell you this time around

[cheekymonkey]

Just wanted to pop in and say, you are pretty much my inspiration. I have the same condition as you and also thyroid problems. I was expecting number 2 but unfortunatley we lost the baby at 12 weeks. When we are ready to try again I'm sure I will be asking you questions constantly. I could not overcome the breast refusal with DS1 - you could and that is just amazing. I know it's not fair. Sometimes it just gets to you. I understand. PM or facebook me if you need to talk.

[Gigi]

Has anyone brought you Lactation Cookies?

They are made with brewer's yeast. A kind person brought me a batch (i hardly knew her at the time) and i had never even heard of them before. I had "lost" my milk at the time, and was petrified of having to put bilby on formula. The cookies tasted great (best tasting medicine i've ever had) and my milk returned.

Your premmie is doing so well (from what i've read on this thread) and i'm so happy for you that you found people to donate breastmilk for him, that's wonderful. Try to be glad he got the breastmilk, more than whose it was. I'm sure you'd help another mother if the roles were reversed.

You and your bub are obv going thru a heap of challenges, (including looking after another sibling simulataneously), you are doing everything humanly possible, you inspire me, but please don't be so hard on yourself.

Your bf-ing advice helped me too (yes, i'm one of the many).

It's so hard to be "project managing" this multi-faceted problem, esp on (i'm assuming) not much sleep. So no doubt you feel under pressure alot, to be making decisions daily about all the bf-ing stuff (as well as everything else).

i'm glad you have ABA counsellors, lactation consultants etc to help you thru this, people who have both the knowledge, hopefully more sleep than you prolly get right now - with which to think clearly, and the distance to put things into perspective.

you have a good head on your shoulders, but what you have to deal with, is quite a bit - for anyone.

so i think you and your bub are doing fantastically.

no harm having your dream - of having him 100% bf by you - i don't see anything wrong with having that to strive towards

dreams sometimes deviate, or turn out a bit different, but it's still good to have your goal

i had a deadset goal of bf-ing, due to the guilt i felt at my baby arriving in such birth trauma, i felt the only way i could ever make it up to her, was to breastfeed her - so we all have our reasons.

wishing you all the best Janie, keep venting, keep talking to the people who can help you and your bub

[Janie]

Thanks everyone It's so good to have this place where I can come and vent, and feel supported.

Michelle, I really appreciate your words, thank you so much for coming in

[OceanPrincess]

Janie, can I just say that having just met you Friday night, I would not have thought you guys were having any issues at all, nor that you had been down such a long path. You come across as a calm, competent mummy who is full of love for her boys and cherishes special times like BF with new bub!

I've only read part of this thread but it seems like you are doing fantastic things, I just hope you can find some encouragement in my words - even if everyone else has been much more eloquent than I have

And now I feel silly for naively asking you how the bf was going Sorry sorry!