Feeling conflicted, guilty and undecided about how to birth baby #2

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I know people who have told people they're having electives and they have nothing but support - maybe it's just down to who your friends are? Having said that, many would not support my planned freebirth, so I suppose it's down to the life choices of your friends what they support. But they won't be told until after the event. (Just to say for modern "treatment" - had I birthed 100 years ago I wouldn't have the physical and mental damage, so to me it's all swings and roundabouts. I'm pleased that women don't die in childbirth as much, but at what cost?)

It is your body and your baby. You need to minimise the damage that will be done to you in birthing your first child and if that means an elective then you do that. No-one has the right to judge you for that. Hugs to you and I am cross you are facing this from "friends".

[Rach83]

You are right The Flying Butter.
I don't think it's just caesars.
It's homebirthing, water birthing, deciding to take drugs etc etc the list goes on for miles.

[Rouge]

The thing is its about choice. A woman who chooses her birth is empowered. And no one should make them feel bad for that decision whether you have a cs or a vbac. But let me tell you no matter what birth you want you still worry. So try and forget everyone else and do what's best for you.

[Blondie]

FionaS - thanks so much for sharing....I would have gone C/S for sure! And I can imagine 6 weeks of discomfort would have been easier than months and years of rehabilitation.
I was the same, my tear took ages and ages to heal and everything suffered because of it....IYKWIM

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and wisdom....hearing that other's have had similar experiences with friends and judgement makes me sad. Maybe it's just me but I would never comment on how someone chooses to birth it's such an individual thing!

I have also talked it over with DH and there is so much to consider. DS's birth really effected him too. He was a wonderful supportive husband but the whole ordeal with exhausting and upsetting for him and I also have him to consider in this equation.

[MumtoA]

Hi blondie,

You already have plentyof stories here and the support I agree has been amazing! I am 8 weeks off having my first elective csection. When I had my dd 2 years ago I sustained a 4th degree tear. A csection has always been recommended but at the end of the Day it has ultimately been mine and dh decision to have the csection. My recovery from the tear is fine now and I have no long term issues that I am aware of. The actual recovery was difficult and i have watched my friends recover better and quicker from emergency csections than I did after my vaginal birth with dd. at the end of the day I had to ask myself how I would look after dd and a new born if I tore worse this time round and emotionally (and physically to some extent) I don't feel like I could. I have to remind myself everyday that this is why I have made the decision I have for the csection. I have spoken to lots of people that I trust, my ob, GP and physio and ultimately feel I have made the right decision (I guess you will never truly know). In addition, after I had dd I was taken off the surgery and not able to get out of bed etc etc. emotionally I foundit really difficult and now I feel like at least i will some of what to expect prior to going in at least.

At the end of the day it's your decision and yes 'the look' is always an interesting one! I now proudly tell people that I am having an elective csection cos I believe at the end of the day how baby comes out does not reflect on how good of a mum I am!

Good luck with your pregnancy and congrats!!!

[Blondie]

MumtoA - thanks for sharing your story. Yikes! 4th degree would have been very uncomfortable. You know how you said that you were taken off to surgery straight away that was the same for me. I remember DH cutting the cord and then me holding DS, I don't really remember much only that I had a few minutes with him and then they realised I tore and whisked me off to surgery. I didn't see him then for ages. Not until I was in recovery...even then I had the shakes so bad that I couldn't hold him I was exhausted for days afterwards and DS & DH were tired too, so I like you can't help but think that it would have been easier to have a csection. I will be taking these things into account when making my decision for this baby.

Best of luck with your birth! Keep me in the loop on how you found it

[chody47]

If the only reason you're doubting yourself is other peoples opinions, then I'd say go straight for the CS. If there are other reasons then perhaps start a pro/con list for each type of birth and then you can add/modify it as your pregnancy progresses and hopefully this will help you come to a decision.

[luna moth]

Listening to your healthcare providers is just one side of the story. You need to find healthcare providers that will listen to YOU. Find someone who you can talk this through with - in Brissy you can get along to Birthtalk's Healing From Birth nights (if you haven't already) and I think you'll find there a great opportunity to talk this out, and work out what you really want.
Don't let this choice belong to anyone but your family.

[Blondie]

Thanks Chody might be a good idea.

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

[Jennifer13]

Blonde, your choice is your own and no one can take that away from you. There is nothing to apologise for or feel guilty about in choosing a c/s.

Having said that, maybe it's worth exploring why it makes you feel bad to be considering c/s this time. Do you feel supported by your care providers and your DH? Do you think there are things that happened in your DS's birth that you need to debrief so that you can feel at peace and able to prepare yourself this time (regardless of your choice)? Do you think maybe you'd like more info before you choose, or to explore all the options a bit more?

Whatever it is that you need to do, do it and you can really own your choice. Then you won't care what anyone you speak to thinks about your decision, you'll be at peace with it.

Think about what you really want from this birth. Research how to get that. Find care providers to support it. You know your body best, so decide what really matters to you in this birth.

FWIW the experience of your first birth does not have to be repeated second time around (I and many other women on here can attest to that). But you can't expect to prepare yourself the same way, go with the same care providers, in the same setting and have a completely different outcome. Something does have to change. Maybe it is the way you plan to give birth (ie elective c/s), maybe it's some of the other things around you. I think you're wise not to go with those you feel let you down. I'm so sorry you weren't respected for your first birth.

Wishing you the best as you get ready to welcome your new baby.

[onthefly]

I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who care for you and who will work with you to make sure you get the best birth possible

[Blondie]

Thanks Jennifer and MadB I think during most first birthing experience you are so vulnerable....you tend to do what they want you to do and not what feels right for you because you have placed complete trust in these people around you...well I know this was the case for me. And I guess for me it's fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me...IYKWIM. This time around I am detirmined to have a good experience what ever it may be. And perhaps debriefing my last labour (as many of you have suggested) before I go into this one would be a wise idea :thinking:

Thank you all so much

[luna moth]

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

One is a doula. Not sure about the other, but they're independent of the hospital system. They have a really popular blog, and their FB page is great too.

[onthefly]

You're not alone there, Blondie. Some mums come out of it intact, some do not. Demand better for yourself and your baby

[blessedatlast]

Unless the person/people in question is offering to be a gestational carrier for your baby they get no say in how it is born. That's up to you, bub and a lesser extent, your healthcare provider.

Im sure you wouldn't dream of telling someone they couldn't birth vaginally, so why should they tell you you can't have a planned c-section?

That said, if you did want another vaginal birth, I am sure there are lots of women on BB who could offer advice and information on helping you confront your fears. Either way, wishing you a wonderful, healing birth experience!

This ^^

[peanutter]

I too had a very traumatic birth, with internal tearing and awful repercussions.

This is something I really struggled with, and was quite depressed about with DS2. I felt guilt, I felt shame. I fluctuated from intense fear, to feelings of laziness and unworthiness ...

Ultimately, I saw a specialist to get a risk assessment done, and learned what the risks were of a repeat performance - and to get a professional opinion about the safety of all concerned.

I also spent many sessions with my counsellor discussing the choice, and trying to wrap my head around it.

At the end of the day, this is your body, and the method of entry into the world is only one part of the tapestry that forms your nurturing and care of your child.

If you will be in a state of fear, or if you will suffer injury from the birth, that needs to be weighed up against the emotional and physical toll of a c-section.

For me and my family, while I was absolutely not happy about needing a c-section, I eventually accepted that it was what would be best for my family, in all the circumstances.

And in hindsight, I made the right decision for us personally.

While I was very nervous about what others might say (not because I feel I need to justify my choices, just because I didn't want to have to defend myself, as it's no one else's sodding business!!) I was pleasantly surprised that I had basically no negative comments, and if people seemed a little down-nosed about my choice, a very brief, "DS1's birth went very badly, and so we need to have a c-section this time" was basically the end of the discussion.

You shouldn't have to justify yourself.

But some people will always say things, either from ignorance or curiosity or thinking they know better, or intentions of helping ... take anything that is helpful, and let the rest go. Come onto BB and vent about it, or just ignore it, or tell them that you understand they might have an opinion, but you only need positive and helpful comments, thanks all the same.

Some people do have a fabulous second birth - don't rule anything out at this early stage. Heaps of women here have managed to have safe and empowering vaginal deliveries, despite an awful first delivery. Look around, and chat to them.

Get some professional opinions. Talk it through. Weigh up your options. And then pick.

But having a c-section because you want to avoid a second traumatic birth is nothing to be bashful about. It's not taking the easy way out. It's not harming your child. It is part of a process whereby YOU decide what is going to lead to YOUR child having a safe entry to the world, with a safe and happy mumma.

Good luck with your decision making process xx

[HotI]

Audax - are the people that run these courses midwives? Sounds silly but I was really let down by my midwives in birth so I have some trust issues there, part of the reason I am not going back to the midwifery group practice. Maybe if I do go to a session I could work some of these issues out?

Blondie, i too was let down by hospital 'midwives'. I have met some amazing women working as independent midwives who really are 'with women', and totally diferent to any of the women i encountered in hospital. I have heard good things about Birthtalk. Have a look at their website, and see if it appeals. birthtalk dot org.

[Blondie]

Hi Ladies,

I actually had a really great night last night. I went to bed feeling excited about having my second and all your help has definetly empowered me to make my own decision this time around. For the first time since I fell pregnant I feel like I do have a say in what happens to me and bub....

I have recieved such great support from all of you and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. With all your help, advice and suppotive words it's helped me to realise that no one has the right to tell me how to birth my baby, and at the end of the day it's the decision for me & DH to make for us and for our family. I am also detirmined not to go into this birth scared or unsure of myself and my abilities. I am going to surround myself with supportive people and the others can get stuffed!

This thread has been an absolute lifesaver. I can't thank you all enough

Hoti - I will be sure to check out the website

Audaux - thanks for the clarification. I have just learn't what a doula is thanks to Boomba I hadn't heard of them prior to this thread. They sound like the perfect mix don't they? Supportive and knowledgable!

MadB - thank you lovely. I think demand is a good word....there is no use is in "asking" or "wishing" for something to go my way. I have to stand up and be heard!

Blessed at last - Thanks darl

Peanutter - I'm glad that you were at peace with your decision, for some it's an easy decision but I think I will be like you, needing to explore every avenue before I am comfortbale and at peace with what will happen Your very wise my friend.