How do you socialise at night when you rock/feed to sleep?

[attc]

Hi all,

DS is fed/rocked to sleep each night after a 30 min wind down period in his room . I am the only one that has ever put him to bed (even DH has never put him to bed).

This makes it very difficult for me to attend any evening social events - eg I've had to miss portions of wedding receptions etc to go home and put him to sleep and other times I've just decided to miss dinners etc as its all too difficult with DS's sleeping....

Its even a bit awkward at times to have people at our house as I need to 'disappear' for 30-40mins (or more) to go put DS to bed. I'm always very self conscience of this and am paranoid that people are judging me (thinking I'm a big softy etc - as I know my mother does).

I'm just wondering how other 'comforted sleeping' advocate parents get out and about at night? Is it possible???

[MrsFabuloso]

Honestly, I don't go. The only thing I do go to is work things like staff meetings because I have to attend them. DH has managed to get DS to sleep a few times recently while I have been at a staff meeting, but before a few months ago, he wouldn't sleep even for DH. He would stay awake until I got home and put him to bed. Which is ok if it's just a staff meeting because I am usually home no later than 9pm (his be time is 7pm). So not too much of a big deal. But to go out, I go after I put DS to bed, and only recently (last 6ish mths) have started going out before his bedtime at all because he would wake up alot through the evening and not settle unless it was me putting him back to bed or having booby. He's sleeping better now so it's not so bad. But I don't often go out without DH and the kids, maybe 2 times in the last year or so, so it's not such a big deal for us.

[Astrid]

Just don't tend to go out at night, or at least limit it to very special occasions. At times it can be frustrating and annoying, but at the end of the day it is really only for a short time out of your adult life that you are doing it for. I understand being self concious about it, I used to be, but by my second I just go over it. Most people I know now have kids, so all are quite understanding when it comes to the night time stuff.

[Glamourcide]

I only ever go out VERY rarely, and on those occasions I try to shift DD2's routine forward an hour (or two if I can get away with it!) throughout the day so that I can put her to bed early and go out and enjoy myself. Last time DH and I went out, it was just to a friend's house for some quiet drinks, we said we might be late as we'd be putting DD2 to bed before heading over and they were fine with it - they don't have kids but their housemate does and so they know a lot about the limitations that being a parent puts on one's social life, and as they're looking at starting a family sometime soon they're always asking about how I do things and so they're learning more about gentle parenting methods etc, which they haven't been exposed to before, and they understand that it's not just a matter of 'so let the babysitter/grandparent put them to bed, so what if they cry, big deal' kwim?

I haven't been to a wedding/social function or anything like that since I had the kids, tbh, so I'm sorry I don't know how to handle situations like that... luckily we have our parents nearby so when DH and I want to go out, my parents come over/the kids go over there so they're with someone familiar who I know can get them back to sleep, kwim?

Hope you can work it out But if you can't... it's only for a short time. They grow up so fast and before you know it, your social life will be back and bigger than ever, as bub will become more independent and will go to sleep all on his own!

[allycat06]

DS is BFed to sleep, I don't go out much but on the rare occasion I have DH is pretty good at winding him down (bottle of EBM in dimly lit room and rocked to sleep) he just tries to recreate what I do as much as possible minus the boobs of course

He's never really been put to bed by anyone except us though so we do find ourselves arranging our modest social life around DS's bedtime although he can stay up til midnight without too much fuss so that's handy!

I know what you mean about when people come over and you have to disappear constantly. A few of our friends asked us why we don't just leave him to settle himself or leave him to cry but I just have to take a deep breath (really I just want to yell, 'you don't have any kids so shut up!') and explain that's not how I do things.

I figure the more time I spend with him now feeding, cuddling, rocking etc will pay off and and I'll have a happier, more relaxed child in the long run. It sucks that I miss out on going out and what not, but it's only for a few years. I have 50 more years to go out and have fun, DS will only be a cuddly baby for a few years!

[OceanPrincess]

I figure the more time I spend with him now feeding, cuddling, rocking etc will pay off and and I'll have a happier, more relaxed child in the long run. It sucks that I miss out on going out and what not, but it's only for a few years. I have 50 more years to go out and have fun, DS will only be a cuddly baby for a few years!

That is so true. That's what we try and remember too.

Last night I had a Learning Ladder (books and toys) party at my house and right at the beginning of the demonstration I had to excuse myself for half an hour to go and cuddle my DD, who would not go to sleep. She's not liked being rocked to sleep for the last few months, and generally self-settles, but some nights she still needs our help and last night was one of them.

One of my (late) guests actually arrived while I was with her and I heard them saying "Don't know where she's gone" but too bad, so sad, they are big enough to look after themselves for half an hour... DD's anxiety levels are much too important to me than them wondering where I am.

We are lucky though that my MIL is a fan of rocking to sleep so we can leave DD with her to put to bed and are able to go out.

[CrazyLady]

LOL! I'm boring and don't go out. The one time I have gone out Charlie was with me as it was a friend's house for dinner and her baby is the same age. We had family friends over the other night and they were fine with me needing to disappear a little while as they had a very attached little one too.

Allycat- that logic works. I couldn't even put DD down to go to the loo 4 months ago without her shrieking but now she's happy just to relax on the floor and play because I gave her that security.

[sneakysparkle]

I mainly stay home - but sometimes we are out for dinner or whatever, and I just try and do a rough version of their routine while out - we give them dinner at their normal time, then do bath etc and THEN go out - usually at least one of them is asleep by the time we get there anyway, so then I just do what needs to be done - and socialise when I can!
They are both pretty good with doing this - and I think thats because even though we aren't at home, they know what to expect.

There have been times when we've had guests over and Ive had to disappear for a while - but so be it!

[allycat06]

It really does CrazyLady! People always comment on how what a chilled out little dude we have and I put it down to that. Gentle parenting rocks

[attc]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I have to say that it feels much better to know that I'm not the only one in the same predicament. It's good to be reminded that it is only for a short period of time (hopefully ) that he'll need me to help him sleep.

Most of the time I don't mind the whole putting to bed scenario. Sure it would be better if it was a quick 15 min job! It starts to bother me a bit when I have to turn down invitations for dinner etc, but even more so when I have to explain why. People think I'm crazy, particularly those with kids who don't comfort their bubs to sleep. I feel their disapproving thoughts!

It would be easier if my mother was more supportive of my approach to parenting too. She no longer makes any comment good or bad...but I know what she is thinking...

[Artechim]

I have only been out once at night in the last 2.5 years - and I had to take the baby with me.

Besides having no one suitable to look after them, it is a struggle at the best of times for us to get DS to bed and DD is fed to sleep so no once else could look after her anyway.

It is a bit frustrating, especially when DH goes out to things and I have to stay home all the time, but I guess it is not forever.

[boomba]

Attc....just remeber he is your son and at the end of the day you will be the one putting him to bed so its no ones business but yours Your doing a great job, babies need cuddlles and love and you will know that you ahve done the best thing for him even if you did miss some dinner parties etc He wqill thank you when he is a secure happy little man.
Keep it up hun cuddle and love away!
ETA I felt the same...like I was missing out...but I think I would have missed out on more if I wasnt wiht my son...he has grown up so quick and I miss all the nighttime cuddles and feeds wiht him....he will be old enough soon and you can go out

[Arcadia]

I have been out plenty of times and each time is different. Sometimes DH has used the sling or pram, sometimes dd just falls asleep on his lap watching tv (I know...men are so chilled about sleep). My DH is great and just says 'go and we will sort it out'. A few times she has been awake when I get home ( as late as ten thirty). But it is only one night, and I figure she is in loving arms...just a pity DH doesn't have boobs!

I too disappear to feed dd to sleep when guests are over..and she usually struggles to switch off because it all sounds so exciting!

It's not forever, and I think it's a priviledge to put my baby to sleep!

[koru]

I haven't been out with DP and no baby as yet (tho planning to give it a go as it's my birthday later this month!) but we've had a spate of weddings this summer and we've just taken DD along in the Ergo - not the best for my outfit but at least she sleeps while the party goes on around her and when wakes everyone remarks what a 'chilled out" baby we have This lasts til about 9.30 / 10pm ish when she gets overtired and we make a sly exit before she cracks it thus perpetuating the perception of our 'chilled' princess!

[Chocaholic]

It starts to bother me a bit when I have to turn down invitations for dinner etc, but even more so when I have to explain why. People think I'm crazy, particularly those with kids who don't comfort their bubs to sleep. I feel their disapproving thoughts!

Who cares what they think? I know it is easier said than done. Do what works for you and your LO.

We don't go out much at night anyway but when we did go out when we co-slept, we just took the kids. At restaurants, the boy would sit on our laps and fall asleep as long as we didn't talk to them (we would answer if they talked to us but didn't iniate any conversations with them). If we were at someones home, we borrowed a bedroom or went into the loungeroom and made a bed on the floor (with stuff we brought like blankets and a small pillow). I actually have had great conversations with people as they realise they have to be quiet so they sit on their couch or the floor while I lie down with the boys. The conversation seemed to settle the boys and it brought me closer to some of my friends as it is a lot easier to discuss personal stuff in that environment.

[Willow]

I'm the same, I rarely go out at night. DS2 actually self settles to sleep but if he wakes while I'm gone, he doesn't settle well for DH. If I am home, I usually feed him back to sleep.

If it's important, I'll take the gamble and go hoping he doesn't wake before I get home. If he does, I figure DH will sort it out somehow.

Like the others have said, it doesn't last forever.

[beckoes]

Im so with you on this, i have been out twice in 19 months, but it doesnt bother me. i meet friends in the day etc and thats easy. Sometimes it can take hours to get DD to sleep so i just tend to find it easier and less stressfull for all if i dont plan to go out at night. I have no idea what im going to do on my wedding day in august.
People judge and shake thier heads and then in the same breath comment on how chilled out and confident she is.....i wish others would see the link between her knowing that im always there for her 100% and her outgoing confident personality.
I wouldnt trust anyone else to put her to sleep (apart from DH, although he never has im sure if he HAD to hed be fine) i dont know anyone else who shares the same ideas as me an i can imagine that the might just give up after half an hour and leave her to cry.....id be devistated!!!!!!!
It is hard but at the end of the day you know your doing the best for your bub and you can walk around with a lovely smug look on your face...who cares if others think your crazy! TBH my opinion on CCing is probably the same as others opinions of my comforted sleeping....someone will always think the other is crazy!!

[Indadhanu]

I rarely go out at night either, I'm like Astrid, it doesn't bother me too much since I only have to do it for such a short amount of time. If I go out, I prefer to go out during the day anyway. My SIL thinks we're crazy, but we make this choice to be gentle parents for us and Jazz, not SIL, so she can think what she wants. It annoys me to have to explain it each time, but i don't let it bother me too much, or make me not want to comfort Jazz to sleep.