need help - horrible mistake

[didispunk]

Oh my you poor thing.

I am just letting you know how sad your situation is, I would speak to your hubby to be honest.

Hang in there.. it might not be all bad.

[kate82]

thanks everyone for your thoughts. just to answer a few q's i took the opk at about 12pm tuesday and it was positive i took another one when i got home that night about 7ish and it was still positive. and it was the 1st of may that i slept with the other guy. i really want to keep this baby and i do have a gut feeling that its my husbands but now i guess i just have to decide whether or not im willing to risk keeping it and living my life always wondering, which i really dont think i could do. ive always wanted to be a mummy and my husband and i have talked about it for years (we have been together for 7 years) and i know someone said that at the end of the day it will be 'my' baby but to be honest i dont want a baby if its not with my husband. im trying not to think about it too much coz i just keep uspetting myself. i have 2 dr's appts tomo morning so going to speak to them and see what they say, but pretty much if they are doubtful then i will (as much as i dont want to) get a termination and try again. thanks everyone. will let you know what happens tomo.

[kate82]

and in answer to telling my husband, the situation is quite complicated, this man isnt a stranger he and his fiance are very close friends of ours (i know this is horrible). if it was some guy that my hubby didnt know then i would probably consider telling him about it but this will wreck alot of ppls lives and im not willing to do that for one stupid mistake that we both completely regret!

[*becstar*]

kate im not maried but i was in a similar situation i slept with 4 guys in 16 days ( please dont judge me!!!!) and by "my dates" it should of been the firstguys but it wasnt and three dna test later DS now has a dad but i think you need to be honest with both of the men....termination is an option but if you terminate you are still going to be racked with guilt and will prob end up confessing to DH who will be even madder because you got rid of a baby that "could" of been his..i really wouldnt keep it and just say its DH's because that will eat away at you too...so i think your best option would be to be HONEST...
Hope that all this works well for in the end and im sorryif i was blunt.. good luck hun

I really like Tara's take on this hun, and she does have some experience with not knowing who the father is. Either way you have a big secret to hide....can you live with that? As much as it's going to hurt, I think DH needs to know, if you respect him at all you have to tell him.

Good luck

[Sara69]

Hi Kate,

I think someone else said this before but I think you really need to get some counselling so to make sure whatever decision you take is the one you will feel happy with afterwards. How far along are you? I think you can only terminate once you are 6.5 weeks so there probably is enough time to go to a counsellor.

Take care

Sara

[PinkPalace]

i would say if you didnt tell your DH and he is so close with this man then he will find out from him...
and honestly i think it would be better from you

[*charmalea*]

if it you were posotive you O'd then id be sure its hubbys baby. as i fell pg on the day i O'd . only took one go ! and i just said to DH casually "lets have a baby" lol and we got one !!!!

first of all dont be too hard on your self , you are human and your not the first one to make a mistake of anysort , so relax . streesing wont make it any better , only worse . May i suggest meditation for an hour or so in a warm quiet place and relax soothe your self , invigorate your body and connect with baby , talk to it tell it everything - your thought and fears... and at the end be calm - do it for you.

In re your decision to tell or not to tell ... its up to you and the other man . it would complicate the hell out of things as you said , so i can fully understand if you didnt tell .

im hoping you get some answers that you want from the doctors today . please be totally honest with the doctors , the more honest you were the more likely they can help you with it all ..

are you in qld ?? there are unplanned preg support places that can help .

and lastly if you want to chat , you can email me as , i have had this expeirnce close to my heart (not me but someone very close ) and can tell you the out come and how and who it has affected and just be there to chat ... no judging

[Lulu]

and in answer to telling my husband, the situation is quite complicated, this man isnt a stranger he and his fiance are very close friends of ours (i know this is horrible). if it was some guy that my hubby didnt know then i would probably consider telling him about it but this will wreck alot of ppls lives and im not willing to do that for one stupid mistake that we both completely regret!

Yeah, this is totally your call and it seems you are thinking about everyone here. Good luck!

[alioops]

Does the other man know you are pg? If you can tell him before DH then do so, and suggest that he do a DNA test. I do think that the 2 of you need to work out the best way to tell DH and his DF, because it will only hurt you more to keep a secret like this from the man you love. Yes it will cause a lot of pain in the short term, but long term it could be much worse. Honestly if my DH had slept with someone else I would rather know and then get on with learning to rebuild trust than find out down the track. The sooner you tell him the easier it will be for him to rebuild trust if it is able to be rebuilt. If the trust can't be rebuilt then it is not any better to keep him in the dark about it because it will knaw away at you and may make it hard for you to trust him, even if he has nothing to hide.

[Sara69]

Girls, just a suggestion, Kate has said several times that she does not want to tell DH about it, it's her call only she knows all the details of the situation, therefore I think it is not appropriate to suggest to her ways how to tell DH.

Sara

[kate82]

thanks everyone but im not telling him, its just not an option. i would rather feel guilt for the rest of my life than hurt everyone around us. and no i havent told the other guy im pregnant. i caused this and i just want to fix it myself, not get anyone else involved. have pretty much decided on a termination unless the dr's can tell me that its medically impossible for it to be the other guys, (which i know wont happen). i want to keep this baby but theres too many risks. i just want to forget this ever happened and move on!

[AliBaby]

to you kate

[Smoz]

Hugest of hugs to you.

i am against termination but would support you in your decision to terminate.

There are several things to talk to the Dr about....

There are also so many factors all that leave you with worry and stress on your mind so i think you need to go with the 'least' stressful and hurtful one.

DNA test 'if' you were to go ahead with one....when's the earliest they could do it and how long till the results would come back so you can work out if you still have time to terminate.

If that pans out is there anyway you could speak to the 'other' guy, i dont know but if as you said you both regret it you could maybe approach him and say "I dont want to get into the ins and outs but im pregnant im pretty sure its DH's but i want to be positive can you provide a DNA sample? If it is yours i will terminate and we can move on, if its DH's then what happened doesn't matter (so to speak) and we can still move on" i don't know the other guy so dont know how he would take it but just an idea of how to approach it seeing as he already knows it happened your not really telling anyone.

Also if you continue with a termination will you be able to hide it from hubby? as in the appointment and your feelings afterwards

Lastly as someone else suggested i really think speaking to an outside party like a counsellor would be good for you. Despite the mistake you made you seem to have your head screwed on and are trying to look at this from every angel and talking to someone may help you come to terms with whatever you decide as it wont be easy on you either way. I just don't want your emotions over the turmoil get in the way of a clear decision for you xoxoxo hugest of hugs please feel free to contact me if you want to chat xoxo

[~Saram~]

Kate - hun I completely understnad not telling DH. I'm sorry but I agree I would rather live with the guilt myself then to destroy everything else around both families - I would be making sure the other guy in question is just as adament as you are though. Probably another unpopular choice also but I wouldn't be telling the other guy about the pregnancy. I know he has as much rights etc but it could seriously complicate the situation if he feels strongly about children now or in the future.

Have you got any previous cycle history to go on as for how long after you get your OPK that you ovulate - lutel phase length or anything. I hope your dr can help you but as another poster said ovulation and fertilisation is so unpredictable. My heart goes out to you.

[buliej]

I'm not putting this up to scare you and I totally support your right to choose, but please make sure you talk to your dr's about possible consequences of terminating and give some thought to the various situations that you could end up in. I have 2 friends who terminated pregnancies and then when they were ready to conceive, they had issues. The good news is they both have babies now, but it wasn't easy. And I'm sure it was very, very difficult when they were trying to conceive, went to the dr to find out what the issue is and this resulted in discussing/revealing the actions of their younger days with their current partners...and I don't mean hard because their current partners had any right to judge them, I mean hard because it was bringing up a time in their lives that they would have liked to push as far away as possible and paying an unfair price for a decision that was right for them when it had to be made.

[Lulu]

Im pretty sure you can't dna test in the womb - or at such an early stage.

[SallyJ]

Kate I am 99% sure it is your DH's baby, although some women may ovulate many days after the positive OPK, in my experience (both personally and posting in ttc groups for over 2 years) it is very rare to ovulate more than a day after the positive test. If your positive test was on Tuesday it is more than likely you had O'd before Friday, and you generally have to have DTD before ovulation or on the day to get pg.

I understand the mistake and completely agree with you that you and this guy need to keep it to yourselves. You will get over it. They don't need to know.

Hope you are able to settle down and enjoy your pregnancy!

[Rouge]

I would like to remind everyone that we do not allow flaming or personal attacks. Any further posts seen to be doing this will be removed (as I have already removed a few) and the poster will be infracted without warning.

As they say if you have nothing helpful or nice to say, then simply say nothing. If you find this thread too distressing then stay out of it.